My wife of 15 years had a three-week affair several months ago with another man. She strongly insists she ended the relationship immediately after I found out about it...and, call me dumb, but I believe her. I've made it clear that I will do everything in my power to rebuild our marriage. However, she does not know if she wants to do that. When pressed about it, she says "it's just not there any more," it meaning romantic love for me. She refuses to elaborate. She's also humiliated because my father broke a sacred trust with me by telling everyone in my family about the affair, even after he gave me his word he wouldn't. We have a very large, close family...and almost every Sunday afternoon, we all get together to see brothers and sisters, nieces, nephews, etc. My wife hasn't attended one of these family functions in nearly three months, as she is so embarrassed...and believes everyone is talking about her. She hasn't attended church in that time frame either. I can't say I blame her for feeling that way. I'm very upset at my father for breaking a confidence. But I also don't want her anxiety about re-entry into the family to be a major stumbling block to rebuilding our marriage. I've told her that she comes before my parents, brothers and sisters...but she says she can't ask me to neglect my extended family for her. Any advice for getting her over this reluctance to re-enter my family? They all promise their full acceptance of her...but she still balks. My two daughters love our weekly family get-togethers...but are heartbroken that their mother never takes part any more. Christmas was agonizing for them. Is time and patience the only answer? Should my family members do anything to reach out to her? They've tried sending letters and emails...but that hasn't worked. Think she'll eventually come around? Has anyone else dealt with this issue before?

You're hearing and experiencing things that are very common in affairs: the loss of romantic feelings for you, guilt, distancing of friends, family, church. <P>If your family have sent emails, letters, & the invitation is always there, it isn't their fault. Your wife is the one keeping the distance. Yes, it is humiliating for other's to find out you've had an affair. But your wife chose that action and now will have to deal with the natural consequences. People often do find out. She has done a bad thing. But life goes on. Time, patience & a round of forgiveness all around are healing factors.<P>Read the materials on this site, especially SURVIVING THE AFFAIR. Go to Plan A, no lovebusters. If the affair was truly over several months ago, her withdrawal should be easing.<P>Best wishes,<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Thanks Lor. I checked your profile...and we have much in common. I, too, have been with my spouse for 16 years...and also have two children ages 11 and 14. I haven't been trying to recover from my wife's affair as long as you have...so you have my sympathy and my admiration. It floors me when offending spouses don't think about the potential consequences to their children. You gave me some sound advice. I'll be patient. Your patience is an inspiration to me.