i don't know why i am down, i should have knew that she would be in a hurry to get to work this morning since she hasn't talked to OM since Wed. but it just bugs me. But i don't think that is why im down they are addicted to each other right now. <BR>The problem i'm dealing with right now is trying to talk with her but her not talking. She seems so distant and depressed. How can i get closer to her if she doesn't want to talk? I want to be the person she talks to but i'm not right now and if i push the talking i feel that it is a lovebuster. If she doesn't want to talk about her feelings how can we become closer. <BR>Now he is calling her and going to see her more at the bank again after he told me he wouldn't but i guess that is the addiction and if she doesnt want to stop, i just have to suck it up and deal with it, without delivering love busters.<P>Derek

Derek, I know it is difficult to talk to someone and to try to feel a love bank that refuses - or seems to refuse - any deposits, but I can promise you that although it seems to go unnoticed, what you are doing is staying there, quite hidden but it's there. She's noticing it without wanting to, but she is.<BR>My H used to refuse any love deposits from me at the begining. Actually if he had no alternative but toaccept them he would get angry like it was a big effort to accept them. AFter things got better, we talked about it, and he told me that although he was fighting it, he couldn't help but notice what I was doing, it was just that he didn't want to feel good about anything that I was doing, he wanted to find faults in me, not nice things.<BR>So keep your goal in mind, and keep depositing those love units even though they don't seem to be accepted right now.<BR>Take care, <BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Derek,<P>Touch her arm...<BR>Brush her cheeks...<BR>Make her breakfast...<P>Get the book <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/155927185X" TARGET=_blank><B>Light Her Fire</B></A> by Ellen Kreidman!<P>Talk will come...<BR>Don't rush it...<P>A little bit of Plan P (Prayer) goes a long way while your waiting.<P>Jim

Kat1: thanks for your encouragement, i will continue to keep it up and keep focused on my goal, I decided to stop counseling tonight until we both go, i hope this is the right thing to do. your situation sounds like what i'm going through, how long does this take. I am in it for the long haul. <P>Jim <BR>Thanks for your encouragement! I will look to get the book. She seems so depressed and not the same woman, i just want to help her.<P>Derek

Derek, it might take a while unfortunately.<BR>My H's affair started June 98, was on and off untill September/October 98. During that time, we talked to exaustion, seemed to start making progress, went back to square one, planned for the future together, got back to the point where he decided he wanted to leave.... you get the idea. EVen when it ended it didn't get better right away. There was still some sort of contact between then ( and there was until Feb99, although they weren't meeting each other. I got my first real "I love you" only on December 98, and this only after at a wedding where I finally met his friends from work, when he realized that he had forgotten that other men might still find me attractive ( that helped, bless their little "lusty" souls ), and after having the same friends asking him what the h**ll was he trying to do with ow when he had me home.<BR>Ever since January99 things have been about perfect and our marriage is really stonger, but it was quite difficult to go trough the first stages and the rollercoaster days. <BR>I didn't know about this site then, and had to use trial and error until I could find things that were working.<BR>What worked for me, was basically no pressure ( at least not the obvious kind ), an honest look back at our marriage and the will to fix some of the things that weren't working that well before, and enough patience and ease making things at home relaxing and non threatning, added to more recreational time and "couple" time - never before did we leave the kids with a babysitter or with family for a weekend -, an agreement to improve communication, and a serious effort to really understand each other and our feelings.<BR>Good luck to you, my friend, you have hard work in front of you, but bellieve me, it is worth in the end.<BR>If there's anything else that you think I can help you with you can either post it here or e-mail me at lwnd@hotmail.com.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<BR>P.S. By the way, H also worked with ow, and in a way still is, although in a different department with different hours.<P>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited January 04, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited January 05, 2000).]