some time ago I had an affair...I have never spoken to my H about it because I didn't want to hurt him and I know it would be devastated. I have put some distance between myself and former friend. Now, I am going through the withdrawal phase. Although H and I are on the road to recovery and he is being very kind and patient, I still feel guity over it. I know I should fess up but I know what would happen.<BR>Please let me know what u think.<P>------------------<BR>

Oh boy...the question you are asking is...is it better to tell adn hurt them or saty quiet adn hurt them. Not a easy question. I ahev asked many times if it would of been easier to just let my H cheat adn never know. In my case my H was pulling away becasue of his lies...her rationialized why it was bettr to keep lieing. I guess my only advice is this. Your hubby will find out someday. You need to deal with this now. My H never thought i would find out but i did and the lies keep coming. Honesty is a top 5 in my needs...is it in yours?<BR>confusedwife

nevertobehappy,<P>Please read "inamess's" post titled affairs. She just went through the same thing and confessed this weekend. I believe you will find the comments to her apply to you as well. If you don't tell your H you will never really be close again, because you will have to hide not just the affair but many other things to keep the affair hiden. <P>As I told "inamess" he will never know why you are down. He won't be able to help you during withdrawl. And finally, he cannot change to make the marrige better, because you won't be able to really tell him what is wrong.<P>Finally, the guilt is already eating you up. Will that help your marriage?<P>Please read this other thread.<P>Good Luck and God Bless You<P>JL

Thanks so much for your advice. I know you are right. The thing is, years ago (about 15) I had two affairs and I told H about both of them. He was not happy but we managed to get through them. It took awhile for him to regain his trust in me but he did. This is really going to hurt. To say the least, our marriage has seen some rocky roads but we have managed to survive. We have both had a lot of growing up to do, but I believe I have some serious issues that I am hopeful counselling can address.Now that I am depressed, H is being kind and considerate but when things are okay, H tends to get comfortable and take me for granted.H says I require too much attention, and even suggested that perhaps I should seek someone else who can give me those things.That is what I enjoyed in the affair, all the attention that was showered over me. I know this is not going to be easy but I still believe my marriage can be saved.<P>------------------<BR>

Three affairs? Wow.<P>My guess is if your husband doesn't know something is up already, he will soon. He may be waiting for you to tell him. After all, it's not really his business to keep you honest, that's your business.<P>Either way, this is not the sort of thing where you should be taking advice. The consequences of telling him and also of not telling him are probably going to be pretty big. Therefore you better trust your own decision.<BR>

I've decided to take it one day at a time. Today is a very good day for me. H went in to work late so we were able to talk. I will be going back to work next week and I think itwill be a good thing for me. I am determined to make this work, and I know that determination (plus prayer) goes a long way. I am sure I will sit down and tell H what has been up and I am equally sure it will be no surprise to him. I am hoping that he will feel that the suffering I have been through has more than paid for my sin but one never knows. Counselling is definitely important. I need to get to the root of the issues that have plagued me all these years. H and I have agreed I am deflinitely high maintenance, and he is definitely low maintenance. Sometimes I think my desire to keep the fire going in my marriage all the time is a little unrealistic. I don't know. But I do know with God all things are possible.