Dear Bill..Thanks for the reply..Yes I am familiar with the Concepts of Dr Harley.<BR>I am stll unsure of how to give an oscar winning performance when he shall tell me he has a "trip"to go on to soon ..or how can I manage my anger and frustration as he goes about his life as "normally" as possible and expects the same of me while he deals with this affair.<BR>He has assured me that it has nothing to do with me nor is it my fault.I have always been the openly loving ,affectionate side, while he is more reserved .He has told me again and again this is his problem and he intends to resolve it.Meanwhile he wants me to be my usual cheerful.loving self.<BR>Is this about his ego?is it a mid life crisis(He is 45 I am 35)??Is it temptation and the basic instinct of mating?Is monogomy a myth?He has asked Isn't it possible that a person can simultaneously love two persons at the same time??Although he has opposed the idea of me doing the same....<BR>Can someone help to deal with this in the most effective manner?He has told me not to pressure him into leaving her..and I know it'll never work..But how How How do I carry on this ostrich act?????

nabilqad,<P>I'm not Bill, my name is Jim, but I'll try to give some advice.<P>I too, like Bill, am in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. Everyone's situation is slightly different though. With your H's OW being overseas, you may actually have a slight advantage over the rest of us.<P>You say you are familiar with Dr. Harley's principles... and that is good. You must clearly be in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> then, and like the rest of us there, you're having a somewhat helpless feeling. I posted a while back on some of the details of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>.<P>Your H is not willing to give up the OW... and wants to "be in love" with both of you! i.e. he wants his cake and eat it too. He must be told that is unacceptable.<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> doesn't mean you have to hide your feelings. You can and should express how his continuing the affair is gauging a deep hole in your love for him... and if the affair continues it could/will cause irreparable harm to the marriage. You should tell him you feelings of what a monogomous relationship means to you.<P>For him to tell you "not to pressure him..." is to disrespect your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>! If that continues unabated... it will certainly hurt your marriage... and drain your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>.<P>I'm not sure how much "instruction" you can give your H. Most people say that while the affair is going on... no amount of "instruction" is taken seriously by the wayward. But... I would suggest counseling. If at all possible either with Steve Harley... or a MB suggested therapist. Ideally if you can convince your H about the seriousness of the affair's impact on your marriage... both of you should go. If you can't convince him otherwise... go yourself. For your own sanity, this may be necessary. If you H sees you going to the extent of counseling... he may "think" your next step is to see an attorney... and that might shake him up! Be honest with your H though... try to apply <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>! Of course ideally this would apply to your H to... but in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> you have to start first! If he has any ounce of character... to get beyond this affair(addiction)... he will turn to honesty too (this is a hope!)<P>In other words... don't make it an ostrich act... Let him know!!! His <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> are not the only ones that count... Your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> are just as important!!! Get into counseling!!!<P>Don't try to save your marriage on your own...<BR>First and foremost... come here for support... without it... I know I would have crashed and burned... badly!<P>Prayers... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 04, 2000).]