...<p>[This message has been edited by arleen (edited January 05, 2000).]

Hi Arleen,<P>My therapist said that honesty is essential in recovery. If you ask your H a question, and he answers you honestly....regardless of how much the answer hurts or is painful...you have to just stay calm and thank him for being honest with you.<P>Sometimes the truth sucks and hurts us, but we have to make our betraying spouses feel safe enough to be honest with us. If we yell at them after hearing their honest answer, then they will be afraid to be honest with us, fearing another blow up.<P>If you feel the anger boiling up in you after his answer, vent where he can't see your anger....post on MB board, go outside and walk a few times around the block, etc.<P>I know this is hard to do but if you want honesty, this is the best way to do it.

Arleen, I reread your other post.<P>Exactly what are you trying to trust?<P>That they didn't have an affair? That they aren't having an affair? That they won't have an affair?<P>Even if your H is absolutely telling the truth and it is not sexual, the relationship can still be threatening your marriage.<P>Before you can trust, I think you and your H both have to define what the relationship is and what it means to your marriage. This will be far from easy because there are many shades of grey and many perspectives on what is acceptable.<P>Even if they are "just friends" their friendship could catch on fire. Do they talk about intimate details of their life? If your H confides in her about your marriage or other personal issues...not good.<P>If he is giving emotionally to her what should be kept within your own relationship, then the relationship with her spells trouble, sexual or not. He probibly won't agree.<P>I don't think the root of your problem is one of trust. I think your problem needs to be defined before you can work on solutions.<P>What No Trust replied about honesty is absolutely true. You can make your H feel safe by how you respond to his honesty.<P>If you, your marriage and your family is more important to him than this one relationship, friendship, whatever, with this woman, then you have a good chance of turning things around. But it won't happen overnight...and it won't happen with accusations and ultimatums. <P>Non inflamatory questions, rewarding honesty and basically making your relationship safe and warm will go a long way.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

..<p>[This message has been edited by arleen (edited January 05, 2000).]

What I really hate is when the betraying spouse only gives half-truths....or you get the truth in bits & pieces over the course of several months. My H should get an award for that. He drew out the lousy process for almost a year, even though the stupid 2 month affair was over for 9 months!<P>Has your H's affair turned sexual yet? If it hasn't, I bet he doesn't consider his relationship with her "an affair," just because they haven't slept together.<P>His relationship with her is inappropriate. I don't think he understands that yet.<P>Do you have the book "Surviving An Affair?" There is an example about these 2 people whose friendship became an emotional affair, and was about ready to turn sexual. However, the H stopped it before it got to that point.<P>If you can get your H to read the book, then he can gain some insight on what is really going on here. It sounds like he is oblivious to what he is doing, or is in deep denial.

[This message has been edited by arleen (edited January 04, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by arleen (edited January 05, 2000).]

You will probably find it is near impossible to "make" him understand anything. That's where all the Plan A comes in.<P>If things have been frosty between the two of you and then there is this adoring albeit dangerous woman hanging on his every word...he is going to resist terminating his relationship with her. Let's assume it is still "just friends".<P>He will say that there is nothing going on...that's where the SAA book is good if he can read it himself...although he will agrue his is somehow different.<P>If he has kept it at "just friends" he will feel he is being valient and you are picking on him when he is so trustworthy.<P>Although the OW is anything but innocent in this, I bet she has set herself up to look like it. I bet she doesn't pressure, disagree or in anyway let your H think he is anything but Mr. Wonderful. <P>He will either see it as not necessary to give her up or he will resist hurting her by cutting her out of his life. He probably acts like her Knight...giving her advise and comfort.<P>He is playing with fire and although we are even giving him the benefit of the doubt, he maybe doesn't even know what he is dealing with.<P>But you just telling him will not help much.<P>Make your relationship warm and loving by following Plan A. Listen to him and make him feel heard. Drawing him to you will be more beneficial than trying to pull him away from her.<P>Good luck, but it can be done.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13