Hello,<P>I'm not sure how many of you are interested but I find it therapy just to type this sh*t out. H wrote about Our Daughter acting out in daycare. Yesterday was the first day back to a normal schedual after the hoidays and Gillian (3 years old) has alot of trouble dealing with very little issues. She slamed a door when told no one wanted to play her game and Yelled "fine". She ahs never had a temper. Could this be a normal stage of developement or a result of teh tension in the household? Thsi all makes me wonder if trying is only going to ahrm my baby. H's constant protection of OW feeligns is pissing me off. Not a singler person has ever thought of me or my D. When H left me on X-mas saying "I pick OW" he was effectively telling em her picked her over Me and Our D. How can a H rationalize leaving a whole family for thire feelings. All I ever hear about is his feelings and his confusion. Why does the victum have to be the only one to TRY. Why can the cheater always just use the excuse of being confused to justify all thire actions? All a cheater needs to do is return home and they are forgiven? Seems like the only person who needs to change is me and how i see a ideal marriage. My ideal was a husband who cared more about his family then some "yummy" feeling with a useless Sl*t. I'm sick of acting like this home wreaker is a good person. She is not and proves it by her threats to harm us. <BR>Give me a good reason to trust and try...becaue right now i think maybe My D and I are better alone. Then with a H who still thinks the OW is wonderful and perfect.<BR>Confusedwife BTW we see a social worker tonight for therapy...its the best we can do on short funds and he is willing to see us on a lower scale. 40 bucks instead of 85

confused, I will try to help, if you want it. I have felt just like you did, and my h was with her many nights, even waking up next to her.<P>No, it isn't fair, but what is best for you and your D?? I have a 4 and a 2 year old. If you could have (I said if, I know it seems impossible) a really great marriage with your h, would you want it?? If that is possible, it really seems like the only good option. I was angry about that too, that I had to choose to love him or raise my kids alone.<P>The Harleys whole system is based on this, that you can have a great marriage. First, you both need some hope that this can be done, and it is worth it. Only two months since I found out, we are seeing our love for each other growing stronger than it has been for years. But he has to break all contact with the OW. It makes it harder that she moved to where you are. Read Harley's book on Recovering from an Affair if you haven't.<P>It is an addiction, which confuses the betrayer. I sat with my h while he cried about missing her, etc. It was awful, but he seems to be totally over her, and focused on me. My h is a really good man despite what he did, and I don't believe this sin defines who he is.<P>Withdrawal begins again after a new contact. Harley has a joint letter you should send if you haven't. Then be prepared for about 6 weeks of withdrawal before he really starts to focus on you. I know it sucks, but for me it's been worth it. I have my h back the way he used to be and he's a better father than ever. Please reply if you're still on.<BR>

Schizzo,<P>Thank you for your quick reply. H's is trying to brea off all contact with OW. But if you read the other posts she called with threats and now we are int he position of having to take her calls to know if we are in danger. I do want my marriage. If I didn't I would not of hung around while he went to OW everynight to feel "yummy" and "happy". I sat ehre alone while he got his happy feeling fullfilled. I know I appear very bitter....I actually am bitter. WE had a huge lovebuster Sunday night where he said I'm Dwelling on this. So in one breath he is giving me time and the next he is implying Hurry up and get over it. I can't be forced to just swallow my feelings. I know its wonderful he finally picked me. I know I have to decide if he is worth it. A marriage is worth it but is my H? He is NOT at all the person i want anymore. He is a liar and a cheater and i always didn't want that for myself. I do not want to alwasy watch my back for the next affair. I do not want to always perform well so he doesn't feel sad or bad and go lookign for anotehr "happy" feeling with another woman again. TRUST big ISSUE. <BR>The past BIG Issue....he says he is ready to be a home man not a guy who needs to party without me. But I know his true self now. he needs to be king of the world and get the thrill of being popular and in teh IN crowd I give him none of that. I represent resoinibilty and family. Despite him saying that is voer and he wants me....i still believe he wants the thrills. I can't provide them. H is 29 and never went out doing typical guy stuff till he was 26....when we had our D. For 3 years he left me home alone with a baby while he went dancing and had fun. This lead to negative feeligns on my part which lead to him getting the OW since i was a drag. How will we prevent that again...how do you stop a party animal for getting his fix of fun?<BR>Confusedwife...more issues then just a affair

I don't think it's a coincidence that he started when you had your D. My h did not make the adjustment to fatherhood. They are tough times and he wanted to get our instead of helping. The only difference was that my h partied while on business trips. He was always home when in town until the affairs.<P>Parenting is very difficult, and men are less ready for it. You didn't say if you've read the book I mentioned. Besides honesty, you must spend "dating" time away from the kids. I can't dance salsa and my h is a good dancer, but it might be something you would enjoy or there might be other things you both enjoy. I still hope I can find someone to teach me to dance. If he wants this marriage he should give up the idea of having fun without you, that is lost time you could spend together.<P>

hi cw, <BR>for some strange reason i feel drawn to reply to you often! What is that? Maybe because a year ago i had some of those same feelings? Hate, anger, totally bitter, resentful, etc.<BR>Tips to remember....<BR>Quit trying to figure out the 'why'. You will not and it will make you crazy. Just accept the fact that it occurred.<BR>BUT, it is over, done, and force it into the past.<BR>They always want us to hurry and get over it. Take the time you need. Hurrying will make you more resentful. You need to take time to process the feelings associated with the affair. If you do not process all of it, it will come back and bite you in the butt-hard.<BR>PRAY. And ask for help in the prayer group when you need it. Personally I am not real good at this, but am learning. There are some wonderful people here that can help you with that.<BR>Consider changing your phone number, unlisted. That should take her calls out of the picture. Sometimes they just simply do not understand NO-it is over. <BR>Keep your family together. You will draw strength from this act. This means that you are going to have to put the affair stuff in a nice quiet secure place in your own head when dealing with family activities. You will have to get some control, put it away til it is safe to bring it all out. Preferably when d is in bed or at school and when h and you can talk.<BR>Follow the plan!! No, nothing about it seems fair, but you are the strong one, and you can do this. <BR>Have faith in your own abilities and listen to yourself. You have to get quiet to hear yourself...so make time for that. Make time for you. <BR>(((hugs))) cl<P>

Cl and Schizzo, <BR>Thank you so much. Schizzo no i have not read the book you mentioned. Other then the stuff on this web site i have had no time to do anything. Bad excuse I know but the truth none the less. I'm in vigorus study for my State board nursing licence. In fact My other big fear is failure there. I was validictorian till this sh*t happened. I droped to salutiorian but that is ok. I still feel as if all that knowledge has left me. My brain only exists to save my marriage.<BR>I just Met H for a lunch break. I had already eaten but i met him anyway. We talked best to do it without D around. And he ended up walking away. GOT to love that. I told him I want to be honest too. So when asked i told him this is 50/50 now. I could not say I will stay no matter what. BUT Thats not fair to him or me. <BR>I'am trying to make sence of it all. Probably where my frustration is coming into play. I just don't see it like he does. And just thinking it "happened move on" isn't a answer for me this minute. I willt take my time but I do feel rushed to HURRY up and decide. Mainly from H since Me draging this out is seen as torture to him...like I'm doing this for fun and revenge. Cl.....I see your genuine want to help same with you schizzo (BTW love the nickname) And I thank you with all my heart. I know it is hard to help others sometimes becasue it reminds you of your pain. I appreciate everyone in this BB. It seems like i will write everyday till this crisis period is over. <BR>Do I feel better after having lunch with H? NO...calmer yes. But him walking out on me doesn't say much for him being able to handle me and how I need to work through this. My H is the only person I have to talk this over with adn I need him so much. But he puts up walls...and his walking out makes me hurt again. Why do i put up with him slaming doors in my face (figuratively we were in a douncin donuts) By walking out he shows he is not really willing to deal with me and the reminder that this DID happen. This is getting long sorry. Its just so helpful to talk. I hope you can tell from thsi letter that I'm in a bit of a better spot mentaly then earlier today. NOW I ahev to get serious and so my Paper for class tonight. Wish me luck...pray It all comes back to me in class tonight. <BR>Confusedwife BTW thanks for putting up with my bad typing...i have no excuse of that...wish there was a spell checker on this thing

Good luck on your test. Relaxing might do more good now, than cramming. I know what you mean that you can only think about the marriage, exactly what has happened to me. But it's getting better.<P>After your tests, find time to read the books, read with him. Sorry he walked out. I wasn't there, but I wondered is it the facts he can't deal with, or were you lovebusting? That gets easier too, but if you are calmly expressing how you feel, he needs to be your friend and listen. We went on a cruise together. It helps so much if you can get away and focus on helping each other through this. Is he willing to break all contact???