Discovery of H's 2year affair was in August. He begged me to stay and work it out. "All contact with OW will stopped and it will not be hard" Went to therapy....found out from OW that H started seeing her again in Sept after a few weeks of discovery, during our counseling. He again begged me to not believe her and not let her split us up. Then later admitted that she was telling the truth. My husband is trying very hard to not lose us, "his family" He feels like I should be able to move on and make this marriage work, just put his mistake aside and let him prove to me that he can be a "good husband". Will someone please tell me how? The trust issue is so hard expecially since he was begging for forgiveness and pleading for me not to leave him and to trust him and seeing her again at the same time. Now I don't know how to get over this, how do I know he is not lying again? I feel like such a fool for believing him the second time and he wants he to believe in him again? After the fear wears off...how do I know he won't contact her again. She is only 24, he and I are 36 he was dealing with a baby...God knows I am trying but I have no clue how to get rid of the visions of him and her having sex, or that he if he is happier with the affair than me, or if he is lying again and again. When I check his pager or bring anything up he tells me that I am driving him away. He says he is trying so hard, and I am just starting trouble for us. He says that he will never ever do that to he again and to please believe him. I can't, I am trying to but the resentment, fear, anger and lack of trust is sometimes too much for me to handle.

Hi, <BR>welcome to the MB forum. <BR>We do have a welcome wagon that will be here shortly <BR>I am running late but I just want to tell you that all those emotions are quite normal in a situation like this, and also that things can get better.<BR>Did you read Dr. Harley's articles? That's a start. It will give you a general idea of what's happening at this point and what your options are.<BR>My H's affair went on an off for about 4/5 months. this was back in 1998, for over a year now, we are enjoying an stronger an happier marriage, and yes my trust is back - in a different way, but back.<BR>Sorry, I wouldlike to tell you more, but I do have to leave, I'll be back later.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

KWAS:<P>The two of you need to put a plan together that will help you build trust, but not at the expense of "driving him away".<P>This can be difficult, especially if your husband believes that he has a "right" to privacy in a marriage (which isn't healthy for a marriage, IMO).<P>I think you would benefit from talking with either Steve Harley in a couple counseling sessions (888-639-1639), or perhaps calling Dr. Harley on his radio show at (888-332-5169), between 2-3 pm CST (in an hour or so...). Although I've talked to Dr. Harley and "enjoyed" the radio show, it doesn't substitute for real counseling (which I did with Steve for over a year).

Funny, it seems most men would like us to forget about it and go on as usual. But you don't. You start over following the 4 rules Harley has. You want to recover, but it is conditional, in fact love in marriage is always conditional according to Harley. So you read Recovering from an Affair, and see there is hope for a great marriage, but you both agree to follow the rules. I don't know if Harley would agree with this, but I told my h if he crosses the line again, it is over. I'm not going through this again. But first there has to be a clean break with the OW, a joint letter from both of you. Sorry, I have to run, but read my reply to ConfusedWife. There is hope if he will do his part, he has to be completely honest. I was fortunate that he understood these principles and was willing to answer all my questions about the affair. It has made it easier to trust him again, although that is still the biggest issue.

KWAS....Trust can return, but your H is going to have to earn it back. It is not going to happen overnight. It is going to take time, patience and a lot of work.<P>That means, no secrets, totally being honest, accounting for time, open & easy access to his e-mail accounts, voice mail, pager, cell phone, etc. etc. etc.<P>I also stress that he write the "No Contact" letter to OW.<P>If you haven't already got the book, "Surviving An Affair," I suggest that you & your H read it. It will explain the dynamics of affairs and how to recover from it.<P>An affair is devastating and an ultimate betrayal to a spouse. I don't think that your H yet understands this. However, the book will explain that. Perhaps he can come on this forum to read and post. Maybe he will gain some insight on what you & him are going through.<BR>