This is long but it may inspire hope <P>Since our real recovery began in November, we've struggled with what is going out for a drink with the same sex friend(s) and then coming home to your family and what is going out. (Just before November, he met up with some female friends that he began going out with once a week, after work...coming home at 2ish in the morning) This actually was a good thing in disguise because it was the straw that broke the camels back.<P>Everytime he did this we had issues...but...it gave me an opportunity to begin clearly defining what would be acceptable and what would not. (that's the beauty of staying in the home together...I will never kick ya out but there will be a few rules that we both will live by)<P>anyway...last week I was out to lunch with our mutual friend (male) having a grand ole lunch, several merlots and lots of laughting. Well, he caught up with me by page and he was soo peeved it created a rift between us that lasted for days.<P>He simply cut me off, no affection, no special looks and reallllly didn't even talk to me. My head says "idiot" and my heart breaks in two. I tried everything, continued affection, fun, SEX and nothing worked... Finally after trying to talk for days...I totally BADGER him into saying what is bugging him. <P>Well, it seems I GOT A CHANCE TO GO OUT WITHOUT ANYONE WONDERING WHEN I WAS COMING HOME YET HE ALWAYS HAS THE STOPWATCH ON AT NIGHT.<P>So... we talked through the rules...I'm simply not confortable with him out with single women period. I can't accept you building emotional connections with women. I'm it...or I'm not. It's not so much the time but the company. He says he trusts me and I should do the same for him.... Obviously were still not past this... but we end it there.<P>Another couple of day....it's damn cold in our home !<P>Two days before the Rose Bowl (we're 1/2 hour from Pasadena) he says "What would I think of him going to the game with the guys".<P>I'm frosted...he wants me to watch the kids all day long (give a lot) yet he can't even touch me or look at me or talk to me. I don't use my words wisely....I play it off as it's really a day for family. He's even more pissed because he knows he should NOT go yet really wants to.<P>INTERMISSION<P>Rosebowl day....one of our kids friends calls and wants a play date. I ask the hub...he says sure and we line it up. The hub and I sit down for breakfast in the dining room and the kids are in the den eating.<P>The good part: He jokingly says...I guess it's really not family day is it ? I'm so pissed...I have to catch myself so that I can talk UNEMOTIONALLY...I say:<P>You always accuse me of stirring the pot.and being my own worst enemy....well that's what YOU are doing now and have done for the past many days.<P>The reason I had trouble with you going was "because I'm on-call and if something happens the kids need to be with someone...but it's also...emotional....you appear to hate me again and just want to be with others as the new year begins." <P>Unfortunately, because you haven't tried TO work this through, MEETING ME HALFWAY and you are being stubborn, purposely holding back your affection, I'm now back in SQUARE 1, NOT FEELING SECURE THAT WE'RE OK. Not feeling secure that we're the family you want to come home to or I'm the wife that you want to come home to. You say you don't want a stepford wife and you only want to do things when you feel them....well it's time to feel again and be a participant. <P><BR> The more secure I feel ....the less questions I will ask and the more I'm going to want to support WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. YOU SAY i WORRY TO MUCH...WELLL....AFTER A WEEK OF BEING DISCONNECTED...WHERE I'VE TRIED TO RECONNECT SEVERAL TIMES, EACH DAY. <P>You have only yourself to blame for why I'm feeling this way and why you are not going to the game. Does that make any sense ?<P>He says YES, it does. <P>Obviously this was the inspiration for our resolutions. Each day....we both promise affection...and we pick good times to try to resolve issues.....feelings most-often follow actions. We also talke about the 4 stages that are most common in a marriage.<P>1. I'm in love with you<BR>2. I love you and i care for you and wouldn't want to be with someone else<BR>3. I'm so off (whether annoyed, angry or whatever) you but I still want to be your spouse.<BR>4. I don't want to be your spouse.<P>I assured him that he would never feel that I was feeling #4 but neither did I want to feel that way as well.<P>and guess what...he played footsy as he was getting up and things have been great again.<P>We're along way from perfectland....but we're doing a much better job resolving conflict. In the old days....this would have turned into a monthlong stalemate...cuz he'd have worked it thru only to find out ....i'd then turned him off.<P>Lor, don't let a day go by...that you KNOW you are not connecting and building something different. You absolutely know how lonely I was during a couple of those days ....and I'm not going to accept living like that again.<P>This has not been easy but the rewards I've experienced lately have been better than I could ever have imagined. This may or may not help your particular situation but it may give you another angle for your next discussion or something to mull about. <P>-Tina

Thanks Tina.<P>I do try to connect everyday. And if I'm having a bad day (PMS, forgot MY anti-deps for a couple days...) I try to alert him so that he doesn't feel responsible for my bad mood. I ask for things that I want/need, and he'll comply...sometimes.<P>At this point I don't know whether to continue being patient or give up. 2 years in limbo is a long time.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Gee Lor,<BR>2 years sounds like alot but I have to say me and the hubs were pretty disconnected for over 2 years as well....then the in*&%^.<P>What was it like when you two were a team? What kinds of things were happening between you guys and what kinds of things were ya doing for each other ? What's up with counseling (and I'm thinking of a behavioral counselor like Harley who can give each of you specific things to practice which may lead back to connectivity) ??<P>If money is an issue or you can't find the right person, what about reading some of the books others have found useful together or getting Harley's workbook and working that together ? <P>I guess my biggest fear is "acceptance". You obviously have a good sense of when it's working and when it's not, I'd hate to see ya give up or become complacent because "old ways" keep cropping up. <P>Honestly, after this whole mess....because of sheer terror, I don't think I'll ever become complacent but I do see that tendancy in my hub. I think that's because he wasn't shaken to the roots, he always knew our marriage rested in his hands.<P>My thoughts are with ya !<BR>-Tina<P>