I have a friend who has recently met somebody that she says she is in love with. She has 3 kids and has been married for 9 years.<BR>This is her story:<P>She met her husband when they were 14. They dated during hight school and after. When he went away to university they still kept in touch. The both became Christians on the same weekend in different parts of the country without knowing what the other was doing. You would have thought they were 'soul mates'.<BR>Her marriage to him has basically been HE!L. He has been addicted to one thing or another throughout the entire 9 years. Sex, food, drugs, religion, affairs-they have been on going(from one night stands to long term relationships). They started a business that basically went up his nose if you know what I mean. He is now in the psyche ward of the hospital. She is filing for divorce and has placed a restraining order on him at his his own request.<BR>She met this OM over coffee at her favorite hangout and things blossomed from there. She says she is in love.<BR>The thing she truly looks at peace. Her kids, who have been timid have really opened up since their dad is gone. Her eldest is in my daughters class has had his first good report card and is getting along well with others in the class now.<BR>I guess my question here is are affairs justified sometimes. Her marriage was truly miserable. Her children's lives were miserable. Being catholic she felt trapped.(she doesn't now, she sees that she should have gotten out earlier).<BR>I guess she should have gotten a divorce before she met somebody but I can't help feeling for her.<BR>Anyway, that is the story of my friend.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited January 04, 2000).]

There is NEVER an excuse to have an affair.<P>There are reasons to leave a marriage & there are reasons to fall in love with someone however both combined are trouble.<P>If you are in a relationship which is bad, as the one you described, and either or both parties have tried what they can to get things straightened out then get a divorce. But DO NOT get involved with someone else until you have settled the issues you brought to the original relationship.<P>She has found someone who mis meeting plenty of the needs she did not receive from her h. But are they her real needs or does he just make her feel good about herself? She would probably sya, "it's perfect." but whilst in an affair, nothing is wrong!<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Nicole,<BR>What I am going to say is going to sound legalistic. I don't mean it to be that way.<P>If she hasn't been unfaithful and he has then she is okay to divorce. I am sure that the Catholic Church shouldn't have any problem with that. She is covered by scripture provided she has been fatithful. Even if she hasn't the decision is still hers. <P>It just gets ugly when we go down the wrong path. She should pray for God to give her the answer. The only way to get it is to study the word. That is how He communicates with us directly. He does talk to us indirectly but most of the time we choose to ignor Him as we do each other the prime reason we all are here. Though sometimes the ignoring is purely unintentional.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P>

Infidelity is <B>NEVER</B> justified. If you are unhappy in the marriage, then leave. Your "friend" is committing a greater sin by having an affair than ever she would by divorcing, at least in the eyes of the Catholic church... The Roman Catholic church has granted many divorces based upon adultery and in general a "bad" marriage, so she shouldn't feel "trapped" at all...<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

I know what you are all saying is true. I want to be able to help her. I don't think that this man she has met is really the answer to all her problems. He probably isn't even that great of a guy. I am not really sure how to approach her with this. I met her OM yesterday, and am not really sure what to think of him. <BR>Her marriage was bad. That is not even a question in my mind. I am pretty sure she is still in the "fantasy' stage, where this man is so much better than her husband. <BR>I don't want her to make another huge mistake and live with this guy or even marry him before she really looks at herself and finds out what she wants in a relationship.<BR>How can I approach this with her without sounding like I am trying to preach to her. She knows of my situation at home(Arik's affair and that we are working on things). I just hope she doesn't do anything that will hurt her even more.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

ELixer<P>I am not really sure but I think you may suspect that the friend I am refering to is not a friend but me. This is not true. I have never been unfaithful to my husband. I have never even placed myself in a situation that would allow that to happen. This is a close friend of mine that I have known for many years. I know her husband well, his mother was my spiritual director for many years. I really want to help my friend. I want her to have happiness. I also feel her husband needs a lot of help. He is sick and needs professional help, that is why he is the hospital. He has recent been diagnosed schzophrenic(spelling).<BR>My prayers have been with both of them.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

PL, no, I didn't think your "friend" was you. I just am doubtful that anybody capable of betraying such a sacred institution could also be capable (or desireable as) a friend. I think the concepts of loyalty, trust, respect, and honour are foreign (or at the very least ignored) by betrayers. I know that personally I would never keep a betrayer as a friend, and if I discovered one of my friends were betraying I'd drop them faster than you could blink. If they'd betray the person they stood before God and vowed to become one with, then they sure as heck wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing to me...<P>If I were you I'd at the very least steer your "friend" (I put it into paranthesis because I doubt any betrayer truly understands the true meaning and responsibilities of friendship) toward this site... Perhaps then she can realise her error...<P>Infidelity is <B>NEVER</B> justified!!!<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Elixer,<P>Sorry about the misunderstanding. I understand where you are coming from now.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Nicole,<BR>The best thing for her to do is wait until she is divorced should she decide that is what she definitely wants to do. Then she shuld let the dust settle before jumping into another relationship. I have had only two long term relationships where I was committed to the other person. When my exgirlfriend broke up with me, I had vowed never to be married. God told me He wanted me to get married. He gave me 2.5 years to heal. I wuld suggest that she heal before going into another relationship. It helps a great deal and will afford her to get over any distrust she may harbor from her current relationship.<P>Just thoughts from someone who has been deeply hurt twice.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P>

Nicole:<P>Gotta chime in here and agree with everyone else. At the risk of sounding like a lawyer (Hey . . . I <I>am</I> a lawyer ), I'm going to propose that you break this down into its respective parts.<P>Let's suppose two hypotheticals:<P>1) Your friend was unfaithful to her husband, and he had never done ANY of the bad things you described.<P>2) Your friend's husband was unfaithful to HER, and SHE had never done anything wrong to him.<P>Would you agree that in EITHER of these situations the betrayer made a morally WRONG choice when they decided to cheat?<P>If so, how does that change things if you combine the two hypotheticals? Does the fact that one person acts like an a$$ somehow make it "okay" for the other one to have an affair?<P>Logically speaking, the answer is an unqualified "NO."<P>It's great that your friend has found happiness after such an ordeal of a life. However, she is <B>still</B> morally wrong if she has an extramarital relationship with this man <I>before</I> her divorce is final.<P>It may seem overly technical, but there is ALWAYS the chance that something might turn around and she could end up staying with her H. I know that is unlikely, but it's <I>possible</I>.<P>If what she has with OM is really worth it, it will survive a delay of a few months while she wraps up the details of her divorce.<P>It's THAT simple.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<p>[This message has been edited by Lone Star (edited January 04, 2000).]

Thanks for ALL the input guys, I just am not relly sure how to approach her with the info. I don't want to seem pushy or judgemental. I think she may be rushing things a bit. Like I said before, I would like to help her if I can.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

just brining this up to the top. I need advice on how to talk to my friend or if I even should.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Nicole,<P>If you are truly her fiend and visa versa. Give it to straight and uncut, tell her what you think honestlt.<P>Let her make the choices, you will have done your part as a friend.<P>If my W friends would have done this in all likelyhood my but wouldn't be posting here.<P>You know first hand exactly how destructive infidelity is explain that to her.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Nicole,<BR> I work at a large company,and see a lot of affairs.They never last,and usually end in a lot of pain for someone.Unfortunatly,there are a lot of men out there who will prey on women who are unhappy in their marriage,and are vulnerable.Perhaps some men feel that they are doing them a favor in"rescuing"them from a bad marriage.But some men take advantage of the situation just to get in their pants,if you know what I mean.Your friend doesn't need additional pain on top of her marriage by possibly getting used by some slimeball.She could end up being a real basketcase.She really needs to step back,give herself some time and space,before jumping into another relationship.Perhaps become more self-sufficient,and just concentrate on taking care of herself and her kids.I'd just hate to see her get hurt even more right now.If she's already filed for divorce,she should wait until that goes through,and recover from that tramatic event first.Then take it really slow and easy.Anyway,that's my two-cents worth.<BR>--Murph