From my post the other day this is the letter I am thinking of sending to our friends where my wife is staying.<P>Dear Friends,<BR>First of all I wish to thank you very much for letting wife stay with you while we are going through this crisis. If there is anything she needs or that I can do to help you please let me know as she may not. You have been her best friend for many years and I appreciate that.<BR>You have said that you don't wish to take sides in this and I thank you for that, but I wish to voice my concern and this letter seems the best way right now. For many years (10-15?) you two have done many things with wife and OM as a pair of couples. I have voiced my concern to wife many times as I have felt very threatened by this, but she always assured me you were all just friends and always did things as a group. Obviously at some point that changed. She told me the other night that you all stopped together for dinner after bowling. To me that is the type of activity that is an acceptance and validation of their relationship by you. She is still my wife, and I love her very much. I am not asking you not to be her friend, or not to be OM's friend, but to think about my position and perspective as your friend also and maybe not at this time enjoy their company as a couple in recreational activities. If at some point wife and I divorce, there will be plenty of time for that, but for now my focus is on reconciliation and letting her know how much I love her. If that means letting the candle flame of their affair burn out naturally, then I shall wait for that time.<BR>I truly wish she would go away somewhere to clear her mind. Both her sister and I have told her that, but for now this will have to do. Again, thank you for being her friend and for being my friend as well. I have always enjoyed our times together. My focus now is waiting for my wife to come back as I now feel we have the tools to make our marriage stronger and more loving than it has been for many years. I would appreciate it if you would not share this letter with her at this time just I have not asked you about her thoughts. Please let me know if I can help in any way.<P> Thank you for listening,<BR> Your Friend<BR> G<P><BR> Should I send?

No.<P>Cardinal rule here---you can control your behavior, no one else's. This letter has "LOVEBUSTER" all over it, from your wife's perspective.<P>Don't.<P>Remember, there should be no secrets between you and your wife. If you're uncomfortable sharing these thoughts with her as well as these friends, then don't share them with anyone else.

gale,<P>The letter sounds like you hold your friends "responsible" in a way for the affair, becuase their actions seem to "condone" the illicit relationship. I know their reacftion has no doubt disappointed you, and that is certainly understandable!<P>It is not their fault - only your W is responsible for her own actions - not your friends. Their "acceptance" or "non-acceptance" won't make her give up the OM if she doesn't want to. <P>I agree with K, don't send the letter.<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

I agree with the above.....I know how bad you want to send it. I talked with my H best friend and he agreed with everything I said...but it changed nothing. He told me that he is sorry but that he thinks of my H as a brother and would never "tell" him what to do or not to do. That my H was a big boy, so he would stand behind any decision he made. He even told me that I should be pissed as hell at him for what he did. He told me that he would leave his wife...no questions asked....no matter how much he loved her. Of course that is easier said than done when they have never been in the situation. But I don't feel it will help. My H was very mad that I talked with his friend and even told his attorney that he didn't appreciate me doing so. Instead of making me feel better, it just hurt me more to know that someone that I considered my "friend" to wouldn't even talk to him or help in the slightest way. I think that it would just hurt you even more than you are hurting now.<BR>Nancy