Today is our anniversary. I called my H and he said that he wasn't planning on calling me. I feel like he has just been waiting for an excuse to get out of the marriage. He travels all the time which I think helped contribute to the affair. Now he has his own apt and can do what he wants. He says he is probably going to start dating again soon. I know that I made the mistake but I truly have been desperately trying to save our relationship. I am remorseful of my actions and want to vomit when I think of what I've done. <P>When I read the other postings I feel alone because most of you guys have spouses that are still involved w/ the OP and don't want to work it out yet. I do! <P>Should I just quit calling him and telling him how much I love him. He doesn't respond and says that he doesn't want to lead me on.<P>Please advise friends!!!

Oh Ann,<BR>You are allowed to make a mistake without it being the end of the world. Even though we represent the other, I do feel for you. It is so refreshing to hear the betrayer feel remorse and want to make things work out. I pray that he will be able to forgive you and know that you are not perfect. But perfect enough for him to see the beauty in you and know that life without you will be a living he##. Give him time....He will realize this. Your in my prayers.<BR>Nancy

Hi Annie,<P>I'm on the flip side, still waiting for my H to emerge from LaLa land. I don't think I can be of much help. I did read, though, as unfair as it is, it's usually harder for men to get over an affair than women. You may want to consider giving the Harley's a call. Many on this board have raved about their advise.

Thank you so much Nancy. I really needed to hear that tonight. I feel so guilty and awful.... like I've screwed up my entire life. I have. But I have to believe that he knows how sorry I am. We have two children together and I want my family back together but the more he pushes me away the more I think there may be more to this. I know that he could never have the home that he has here w/ us and a wife that is willing to do anything to make things right. I'm not the kind of person who does this (everyone says that I know). I see now how easily it can happen but I also see the devastation it brings. I hope that all the other spouses see that soon too.<BR>

What are the charges to call Dr. Harley? Does anyone know?

AnnR,<P>It's hard for me to give a lot of advice...<P>One suggestion while you're posting... Make your subject identify that you want advice from "waywards"! And, the kind of help you want..."unresponsive betrayed"...<P>You'll get replies from people in you situation.<P>As far as Dr. Harley's fees and schedules... see... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi715_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>fees</A>... and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>scheduling</A>...<P>I hope you can benefit from Dr. Harley.<P>Jim<BR>

Ann<BR> I know exactly how you feel. It's a terrrible feeling. Is your husband related to mine? Anyways, try to be encouraged. It's a long road, but if you want it to work, you got to stick to it. My husband can file for divorce this April and I'm shacking in my boots. He always seems to confuse me. And sometimes I think he is confused as well. Give your H time. And hopefully his heart will turn back to you. We can't rush them and I know you are not trying to do that. But one thing they don't need is to feel pressured and hounded. After saying that, he still has no right to treat you like trash, because just like you, I felt like trash and unworthy of being with my H after knowing how much I hurt him. It will take sometime to forgive yourself, you are also wounded. To me alot of issues need to be corrected in our marriage, even before the affair. You are human. I believe your H loves you, but he needs to sort out his feeling. Hold on for as long as you can. As far as Dr. Harley's fees, It's 85 dollars a session. There is a icon on the bottom of the screen of Dr. Harley's history that explains everything. Be strong. You're doing fine!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>

Ann,<P>I admire your courage. I wish my W was like you. I'd sweep her off her feet so fast she wouldn't know what hit her.<P>In every book I read they all say that the strong spouce has to do all the work.<P>Call Steve Harley, he should be able to give you a workable plan. I think it's $85.00 per hour.<P>Your H doesn't know what hes giving up.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

AnnR what you are feeling now is what your husband has been feeling after discovering that you were having an affair. He is still angry and hurt. At this point you need to be patient and continue to let him know that you are remorseful for what you did but that you will always love him. You must understand that his self esteem has been shattered by the knowledge that you desired another man sexually and emotionally over him. His masculinity has been wounded. You may not like it but he may need to see whether he has the sexual appeal to attract other women. If you want him back you will need to put your jealosy aside. Show him that you understand what he is going through and that regardless what happens you want to be his friend. Use Harley's Plan A to show him a positive picture of you. Best wishes...max

AnnR,<P>I don't think your H was or is waiting for an excuse to get out of the marriage. You are feeling rejected because right now he is rejecting you. Sounds obvious doesn't it? <BR>But the problem is your deciding on why he is rejecting you and you don't know. Of course the answer may not be him always wanting out of the marriage, but him being too devestated by the affair. As Max said and many have already said; he is very damaged right now. How will he heal?<P>He could run from the pain, hurt, etc by divorcing you.<P>He could continue to process what has happened and decide that deep down he does love you and decide to try and make things work. <P>He could address the pain, hurt, etc. and decide that he cannot forgive you and move on as much as it hurts you and him.<P>The only thing you can address is how he remembers you. Here is where the Harley methods are found to be good and workable. They provide an approach to what will appear to be a hopeless situation. Let me give you an example.<P>You H is very hurt and knows that he cannot trust you. He travels and therefore provides ample opportunity for you to have another affair. How do prove to him you are trustworthy? You two aren't living together and he doesn't know whether you are contacting OM or have found another OM. He cannot trust and you cannot prove that you are trustworthy. Your assurances alone will not work, and he had to discover the affair to bring it to light (no honesty from your side at that point).<P>The Harley methods suggest that time is the crucial ingredient coupled with consistent meeting of needs and no LB. It also suggests that you change to meet needs or correct things that may have not been as good as they could have been. This doesn't build trust per se but it shows that you want to make things better. Note, just saying you will do anything is not the same as doing something.<P>I keep asking can you talk with your H and you never reply. If you can talk with him, not necessarily about the affair but about things. As Max said, become his friend again. You ARE NOT his friend now. You are the person that inflicted tremendous pain. That is his current image of you. This must be changed.<P>Please call Steve Harley or someone very experienced in this area and get some really solid advice. All is not lost but your H is very lost within himself. <P>Have you read Byrnn's post asking what the betrayed felt like? If not do so. You need to understand abit about how he is thinking so that you can begin to make positive changes in his current image of you.<P>AnnR, please get some advice from a professional. All is not lost. But your H is very lost right now. He doesn't up from down and certainly is questioning everything from you to all aspects of himself. You will do both of you a tremendous amount of good if you will get help.<P>God Bless You and Your Family<P>JL

Wonderful advice Just Learning. Thank you so much!!!