I am brand new to this forum, but having been reading books and Dr. Harvey's webpage for 3 days, front to back.<P>Husband informed me January 1 (Happy New Year) that my suspicions were correct, and he was having an affair, and that he was deeply in love. He called her and told her it was off, placating me...and wanting to remain in the marriage. Now today he is at a motel for the night, needing time to sort through feelings, and decide if he wants this marriage or not. Believe me, there's a lot of water under the bridge, this isn't the only catastrophe we've faced. that is his basis for the 'seperation'....he doesnt think things will ever be better. I took him for granted, I was a sh*t to him..over and over and over, and now my heart is breaking into millions of pieces because I fear he is gone forever. I cant imagine life without him...<BR>I feel like I am on autpilot, barely breathing through each minute. I reach out to whoever will listen, and cling to every word.<BR>He vows he does not want to call her or be with her...that he just needs the time to think. How do I react? I am inclined to smother him, but that pushes him away. <BR>Words..advice...shake me into conciousness...anything..! <BR>This first night without him feels like I will die....

<small>[ January 24, 2005, 12:55 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

{{{{{{{{{{{{Danelle}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Welcome to Marriage Builders. And I'm so sorry you have to be here. At the same time, I'm glad you found us.<P>Your first bit of advice from hanora is right on. Calm down and think about what you need to do to take care of yourself. We've taken deep breaths together so many times we can do it in sync.<P>The pain is raw. It will ease. There ARE things you can and should do, but that will come. For now, make sure that you eat and sleep (my big problems back then). And start reading. It will keep you busy and prepare you for what's to come. Re-read the principles. Check out our posts. Have you gotten your copy of Surviving an Affair? If not, pick one up or order it. The information in there will help. Help you with what you need to know and do.<P>And we're here when you need us. To cry, to vent, to listen. So post. Tell us what's going on. Use us as a sounding board. You have found a lot of friends here who will share their experiences with you. And in them you'll find a great deal of love and support and good advice.<P>You're NOT alone. We're here for you. We've been there, Hon, and we do know how you feel. You'll get through this. One day at a time, one moment at a time. And you'll come out strong. <P>Hang in there, and do take care of you. It's more important than you realize.<P>We're listening.<P>Lori

Welcome <B>Danelle</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>You've been looking for 3 days... To really understand all the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>... it will take a little longer!<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! <B>In your situation... you want to start on an immediate <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!</B><P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>See if you can get him out of that motel room...<BR>Bring him back home now...<BR>The best way to work on your marriage is if you can...<BR>1. commit no <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A><BR>2. deposit "love units" into his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, by satisfying his <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!<BR>(i.e. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>) when he is back home!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 05, 2000).]

Danelle,<P>I am so sorry for your situation. Try and take care of yourself during this time. Go to counseling and do something nice for yourself that you enjoy. It's a hard time and I hate waiting. <P>Also, don't blame yourself totally. It takes two people to make it or break it. I'm sure if you looked long and hard you'd see it's not all your fault. What you can do now is make yourself better and heal for you and him. <P>Give him time. It's terrible to wait but that is your only option right now. You can't control what he is doing but you can control how you react to him. <P>Hang in there. I know your wound is fresh and very painful. Keep posting here for support. I felt really silly at first and paranoid about who was reading my story but I don't care anymore. IT helps to talk to other people who are going through the same thing. <P>

Hi Danelle,<BR>The first thing I got from my H was also that I had taken him for granted, and then some...<BR>It is important that you try to calm down as much as you can.<BR>I found that in my case, no pressure, worked better, together with being quite calm everytime we talked, and rationalize things before open mymouth.<BR>My H also kept telling me that the reason he wanted to leave had nothing to do with the ow - but that seems quite the norm.<BR>Look back into your marriage, find things that might not be working that well and fix them if you can. Give him the chance to make his own choices ( although I found it o.k. if in a non obvious way you help him I found out I was quite good at getting him to do what I wanted while thinking all the time it was his idea in the first place, but be carefull with this one, it can backfire or not work at all , it worked with me because his brain was closed for repairs )<BR>AT the same time, make sure that you are doing things for yourself. THings that you enjoy and help you get trough your day. For me, reading, painting, playing music helped. Going out, get new clothes, a new hairstyle, it helped too.<BR>Whatever you find works for you and helps you relax if just for a bit.<BR>AS with many of us in this board, my marriage was very close to turn into the big D, nevertheless we were able to make it, and have been doing great for over one year.<BR>Keep your goals in mind.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

*sigh<BR>After some "motel-time" soul searching on his part...he is home. Comitted to the marriage so he says. He met with HER yesterday, she got angry, and finished by telling him to "call her when he makes up his mind". He says he will miss her...but wants us to meet each others needs....<P>He is distant somewhat...but the sex is great (?) what does that mean?!<P>When he talks to me he is reserved, albeit truthful. We revealed all our skeletons last night during 5 hours at Denny's (Did you know they stop serving you coffee after 3 hours?)<BR>There was more in the past...but we are ready to move on....<P>I am afraid of what is in store. I feel like I have put up barbed wire around my heart in protection of him, yet have to start building a renewed relationship. I'm afraid to let him leave my side, but now that wont keep him either. I am so afraid this is not the end. I pray it is, but who knows? And now, he is susceptible to this happening again...<P>Thanks for the kind welcome....keep talking, Im listening<BR>Danelle

Danelle,<P>I know exactly what you are feeling. I have felt those same things. The empty, lost dieing inside feelings that you think will never go away. I have been there and although I can't say that I am entirely better I do feel somewhat more 'me' in the last couple of weeks.(Disclosure of my husband's affair was Oct.7th).<BR>Everybody here is here for one reason and one reason only, rebuilding marriages. You will here a lot about Plan A for the next little while. You may have even been reading about it.<BR>I will let you in on a little secret. Plan A has very little to do with your spouse. It has everything to do with YOU. It is becoming a better, stronger, more loving Danelle. It has taken me some time to realize this. <BR>You can do nothing to change your husband or fix the things in your marriage that he hasn't fufilled. All you can do is look at you and your part in your marriage. I am not saying that anything you did or didn't do is what caused the affair, often times an affair has more to do with something inside the betrayer and little to do with the spouse or even the marriage itself. But everyone has room for improvment.<BR>I guess what I am trying to say is that in a nutshell Plan A is Plan danelle(a very wise friend of mine let me in on that secret recently. Thanks Lori). The sooner you come to terms with that the sooner you can start healing YOU and your marriage can start on the road to recovery.<BR>Pay close attention to the advice of some of my dear friends on this forum, lostva, Faith Hope Love, nbeggining, NSR just to name a few. They have a lot of wisdom and support to offer.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited January 06, 2000).]