My in-laws arrive on the 19th for their customary 3-month vacation & C… is very nervous about how she's going to tell her mother. On Sunday I assured her that everything will be OK; today I asked her why she's so worried, if she has not made a decision then there's nothing to tell her mom; or –I asked- have you made a decision? She nodded and said, "this can't go on like this (is she breaking up?). The point is, she keeps asking me not to push her to decide (I no longer do it- in the contrary I insist that she SHOULD NOT make decisions in her current state of mind), but I am sure OP is pushing her and encouraging her to make decisions & to be "brave" or whatever. So she IS making decisions + still going back to OP every night & I'm almost positive also during the day.<P>I think this is maybe over- if she tells her mom I know there's no turning back, just because the way they conduct their relationship: if W says so, then it is so. Her mom is very close minded, she won't accept OP in my W's life, not because of her strong beliefs & because of my D. I know she'll side with me but also know that if she does it will only make things worse. Even if this eventually helps me to keep the house (in-laws helped to buy it & M in L's name is still in the title as co-owner) I don't want my W to be isolated with only one person in the world left for her (you guessed it): OP. I've been feeling isolated myself & it's a terrible feeling, don't want this for my W and specially I wouldn't want her mother to drop her off her life, which could happen.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Oh, Alex, I'm sorry. But remember, it ain't over 'til it's over.<P>And even if she makes that decision, don't take it as written in stone, no matter what she does or who she tells. It doesn't really matter WHAT she has always been like w/ MIL. She's not that person right now.<P>Almost 6 months ago my H moved out. Moved in w/ PT. He told EVERYONE our marriage was over, he was getting a divorce after the NY. Changed his address (forgot to take most of his things, but hey, who's nit-picking? LOL)<P>Two days ago. He adamantly states to MIL that divorce is the LAST thing in the world he wants to do. Had been giving serious thought to coming home, believes we can work it out, knows he loves me. Now, I am NOT jumping up and down. The first of much waffling to come, I'm sure. But, you see, it all changes. That's the ONLY thing you can be sure of.<P>Just hang in there and keep up your good work. Wait it out. There's nothing to do but work on YOU and wait it out. <P>Thinking about you.<P>Lori

Alex,<P>Lori is right...<P>My W moved out a little over 4 months ago...<BR>And while little things are progressing on the divorce front... (this Friday)...<BR>The Big stuff is months away...<P>One day at a time! <BR>With lots of prayers coming your way... <P>Jim

Alex,<P>I'm w/Lori and Jim, it's not over yet.<P><B>EVERY</B> success story I have read the wayward was through w/ the marriage.<P>Thr fantacy will wear off, and EMR will disolve. You need to be in a position where your W will want to return home. I explained my idea better in my positive post. Checck out RMAs lattest post and go back to your second post andGenie29s reply.<P>Make an appointment w/Steve Harley. He can help.<P>Don't give up!!!!<P><BR>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hey Alex,<P>I saw on a different thread that you made reference to my earlier post. The one where I'm not sure that I want her back now that it is within reach. I hope I didn't instill any doubt in your mind because of my situation. I don't want to sabotage anyone elses marriage.<P>We transport a patient that lost her leg in a motorcycle accident and she has phantom pains in the lost extremity. I sometimes wonder if I'm having the same feelings. Val is gone and every once in a while I feel pain over the loss. I believe that I will not be able to get over the betrayal issue. I was brought up with the "old school" values. <P>I love and care for her to this day. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her. Of course the OM can slide under a gas truck and taste his own blood. I'm just not "in love" with her.<P>I got a reminder notice from the dental office that it's been 6 months since I had my teeth cleaned. This is the same office where Val works. I called back and requested an appointment when she would not be working. They all know what is going on with the marriage. It probably seems petty but I would rather not see her or her sister. Yep, twin sister works there too. Time to find another dentist.<P>Sorry to be rambling. Started early today with the self medication.<P>If you don't want this to be over, then don't let it be. Sit back and don't pressure. Things have a way of working themselves out. <P>Don't know if this helps or I'm just taking up space on the board.<P>Take care Bud,<P>Tim<BR>

Lori, Jim, Bill, Tim,<P>You're always here when I need someone the most. Thank you!<P>There is an issue that I've been trying to ignore all along- the issue that OP is a woman & that’s what she’s afraid to tell her mom, not so much that the marriage is ending or even about an affair (which although hard, could be swallowed by M in L).<P>The point is I could probably handle it better if there was OM, but OW? If W decides to live the "gay" lifestyle there will be not much room for me- she says all the time that she loves me & cares for me but not in the way I want or need, that I’d be better off with somebody else. Then she lent me these lesbian books (romance & erotica) that she has bought using her maiden name, but (am I blind or something?) all I can see are regular love stories & girls basically doing lots of what we call foreplay). God knows!!!<P>Tim, you didn’t influence me- that day I was feeling NOTHING, I was numb & it was OK for a day or two, in fact it was a good break. BUT I insist that YOU should work on your feelings, I mean, you don’t feel deserving because you cheated on your first wife & were sort of a jerk with Val? You must forgive yourself for your own sake and the sake of any relationship that you may have in the future.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Alex,<P>This is a tough one...sorry you are going through this.<P>The ont thing I can say for certain is this...don't necessarily believe everything your W says to you - good or bad. My H is still sending mixed messages and it has been 10 months! He has said he wanted a divorce and then come back the very next day and said no - no divorce. It can drive you totally crazy!! It HAS driven me almost totally crazy!<P>I think you are doing good to not pressure her. I did that to my H in the beginning. But, really what good does it do??? You just force someone to make a decision they are not ready to make and won't stick to. <P>I will be waiting to hear what she tells her M, if anything. She might just say nothing at all about any of this. If she doesn't, you should try not to either.<P>Praying for you...<P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Alex,<BR>Like everyone else has said. IT AIN'T OVER UNTIL IT IS OFFICIALLY OVER!<P>Besides she could be referring to the OM staying in her life. It is best to focus on the little positive things rather than the negatives. It helps keep the spirits up which I feel have a big bearing on how you come across to her.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P><BR>

Roll Me Away & Rob,<P>I know "it ain't over til the fat lady sings" but sometimes I feel soooooooo tired that I just want to pack my bags and take the first flight out of town, but then I see my D & remember all these years that no, weren't perfect, but weren't not that bad either, in fact were pretty good in many aspects- even W says so!!<P>This morning I got an e-mail from this guy from VA asking me to go check on this property in Costa Rica & I'm tickled with the idea of going away for a few days- but then I would be freeing more space for OP (who takes as much territory as possible, everytime it's possible).<P>We'll see what happens (Grrrrr!!!!!).<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn