After my husband has had an emotional affair with the OW, I have told him that I still love him and want to work on our marriage. Granted things weren't great before the "affair" but no one is perfect. I am willing to forgive him for what he has done and I thought he would try and forgive me for what I have done (not an affair, just other lovebusting behavior I guess you would call it). He said he doesn't believe in going to tell someone all of your "dirt". I am still in love with him and he says he still cares about me. I think we need the counseling to get our marriage back on track but how do I convince him of this. I have been trying very hard on my end but he seems to think it would be easier to just throw the towel in and call it quits. I don't want to give up. Any thoughts. I am getting to the point where I can't stand the pain and hurt of it all.

bc,<P>My husband won't go to counseling either. I betrayed him though. But he thinks all counselors are idiots and all you do is just vent there. I think that women need to talk things out while men just go into their cave (Men are from Mars). Are you separated? In time, he will see what he is giving up vs. this ow. Do you have children? <P>Time heals .... I hope. Give him time and he will realize the good things in your marriage that he is sacrificing. In the mean time, go to counseling alone. It will help you sort out your feelings and get through this difficult time.<BR>

No we are not separated. I did file for divorce to try and wake him up and now I am afraid I did the wrong thing even though a divorce is not what I want. I am going to counseling alone but the counselor said that I can't stay in the situation forever and may have to be the one to make a decision. I was thinking on the way to work this morning of retracting the petition for divorce. I have just kept hoping he would come around. He doesn't seem to be in a hurry for a divorce either seeing he was suppose to file his net worth statement last month and hasn't even worked on it since he got it. I know I have done things in the past that have hurt him but not on purpose and he never said anything. I see that now. But i never betrayed him like he has me.

My H refused to go to counseling too. At first he said ok, but when the day came to go to our session...he didn't show. It was hard going to marriage counseling on my own. After that he told me the same.....that he couldn't fix my pain so it would be easier to leave and start a new life. What happened to the man that told me he would fight for me no matter the cost. He too told me it was just an emotional affair and that he did nothing with her but talk on the phone and meet her a few times for drinks. YUK But he also told me that to make it through this that I needed to assume the worse. (possibly a physical affair?) That really hurt...because boy did my mind go astray. I could think of a lot of stuff.<BR>Nancy

My H probably wouldn't have gone to counseling. Since I knew him and we live in a small town and would have had quite a drive anyway, I never brought it up. My H hates to talk about intimate emotional issues. He hates to ask someone elses opinion. <P>We are now a year into recovery and doing great. What did I do?<P>Although I fortunate his affair was short, over for the most part after discovery and he was committed to our family, he was still in a bad place.<P>I bought a bunch of books and read them. Together we read Love Life for Every Married Couple by Dr. Wheat and Surviving and Affair by Harley and What if I Married the Wrong Person? forget the author.<P>I realized that I would have to take the emotional lead in our relationship and I did. Although I did need to know "what happened" and that took some probing, I didn't push him to discuss things other than restating his commitment to us.<P>Although I thought we had a good marriage, and we did, I learned a great deal about myself and about relationships. We both avoided conflict at almost any cost. Now we don't. Well he still would, but I can usually see the signs and coax the problem into the open. <P>Just because your H's do not want counseling, don't think they don't want the relationship. Go to counseling yourself if it helps. Read all you can. Let your words and actions show your commitment. There is a great book thread if you search for it. In your case, Susan Page's How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together, may be good.<P>Remember you can not control another person. Big lesson for me. You can choose your own behaviors....and within a relationship if one changes, it has an impact on the other and an impact on the relationship. Best of luck.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FHL,<P>You mention a lot of good books...<P>For those interested... I have a post out here on many of the recommended books that the forum folks suggest.... click on...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Jim

bc,<P>To hammer home the points that FHL makes; you can only change yourself (directly). So I'd suggest that you go to work on changing your behaviors for the benefit of the marriage. If you are successful, the love your husband has for you will grow. In addition, the example that you will set will be contagious, and he may learn the appropriate marriage skills by your example. He may even be willing to commit to counseling at a point down the road.<P>I worked on marriage counseling pretty much by myself, during my wife's affair. I did it with Steve Harley here at MarriageBuilders (over the phone: 888-639-1639). Steve is a great counselor, and he can have you quickly working on building a good set of marital behaviors and skills. <P>In addition to books already suggested, I'd suggest that you pick up Lovebusters, and Give and Take (both written by Dr. Harley). Your main efforts should focus on eliminating lovebusters first!

Thanks for all the input. I am trying very hard with the Lovebusters but have an occasional relapse. Like last night. I had gone to get something for dinner and when I got back a bunch of my H's friends had stopped by for a few beers. Well I felt bad that my H couldn't sit down and have dinner with me and he got upset because I called out to the garage to see how long he would be. He gets angry when I as he calls it "make a scene in front of his friends". He told me that many times in the past I would find him out in a bar and stop in and act rude and his friends would ask why he would put up with a bi***. Well part of my problem is that he spends too much time in the bars and we feed of each other. He stays out I get angry. So he knows I am really trying but he isn't sure it will ever change as he says. How does he know if he won't even try.

Hi bc. <BR> <BR>You've gotten some great replies from some of MB's finest!<P>Been the marriage counseling route - and it wasn't our best source of help. Our best source is: #1, Prayer. #2,Me controlling the lovebusters and staying focused on the goal, not the process. #3, Learning new ways to communicate. #4, Learning when NOT to try and talk.<P>The most important revelation that I've had in this entire ordeal, is the power to change the situation that I hold in my own hands. My behavior. <P>His behavior changes when my behavior changes. <P>Stay absolutely out of lovebusters, and find a way to deal with what life dishes out. You can only change you. If your changes in yourself affect him, then it IS WORKING, and you can gain the motivation to keep on from the small little changes you see in him as a result.<P>Hang in there, and don't make any demands, including counseling. Demands get you farther behind in the race to restore your marriage.<P>tnt

PS.<P>You are the consumer. Why are you going to a counselor that doesn't believe in marriage or is not helping you in your goal? I don't get that at all.<P>If you wanted to buy a red car, and the dealer is delivering a blue one, you would tell them that isn't what you wanted. It is the same thing in counseling, you tell your counselor that the job is to RESTORE your marriage, and it they don't want to work on that, then get another counselor. Don't throw your money and emotions toward a goal that you don't want.<P>tnt

bc,<BR>It sounds like your H does have his own problems. Do you have kids?<P>Anyway, success will come from drawing him to you...basically Plan A.<P>Realize at the present time, there is no point of trying to educate your H or attempt to change him in any way. <P>The OW sounds like she may self destruct herself. But for now she is probably telling your H he is perfect and giving him unconditional acceptance. That can only last so long before her true colors come out. But for now, if you lovebust it will work against you big time.<P>Work on yourself, work on your half of the relationship and wait.<P>Forget having any direct influence on H right now. You can't make him change. You can't make him want to change.<P>The fact that he says he still loves you and he is still in your home says a lot. You have something to work with.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

We don't have any kids. I don't know whether that is good or bad. By the sounds of it maybe I should just lay off the counseling for him and work on no Lovebusting. It is just that I want to make up for lost time and the things I have done in the past and unfortunately it isn't going to happen over night. Then I find myself lovebusting and he gets upset. Maybe I should try taping my mouth shut.

bc,<P>Do you need a referral to a MB doctor that will sew your mouth shut, and set your stomach up for introvenous feedings?<P>LOL<P>No, seriously I think this is my problem too. It is the hardest lesson to learn, to shut up.<P>But probably the best thing I can do to save my marriage. Seriously.<P>God Bless,<BR>tnt

My H had trouble with counseling too. He actually tried and we went for about 4 or 5 sessions, but he quit. I was expecting it, he has a lot of trouble opening up to other people when it comes to his feelings and emotions.<BR>Nevertheless we made it.<BR>FHL gave you good advice,as all the others. I find counseling is important only if both bellieve it is important. Forcing counseling on someone who doesn't feel at ease with it, probably won't work, the person is fighting it from the begining.<BR>But as you see, it can be done even without counseling.<BR>Read, follow your commom sense, come here, and work on yourself for yourself.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.