It just seems like all that I believed in had died. My h affair was with one of my best friends. I talked to this woman quite often about most everything. She had a very good pulse on my marriage and would ask questions about how much I would ask for child support if we got divorced. I always wondered who was planning on getting divorced. I told her I would take him to the cleaners so she knew he would not be able to come close to supporting her! Our families were so intertwined. She and I were friends, my h and her h were good friends, our kids were best friends, we did things together almost every weekend. Lets just say there is not much left of life as I knew it!<P>Like most betrayed, I love my H and want to work things out. We are doing fairly well. Right now I hate the ow. I would like to rip her eyes out. How do I get beyond this. I need to forgive, not for her but for me. Fortunately, she moved away -- which I am thankful for -- so I don't have to look at her constantly or worry about running into her on the street. People ask me if I have heard from her since she moved and it about makes me sick! I am just very tired and want to get over this but my mind just replays all the betrayals and the stupid questions she would ask. How many times did she ask me if H had a vasectomy? Supposedly they never slept together but I'm sure they would have soon with that question coming up. I don't know. If anyone has any advice on how to get over all of the hatred for the op I would appreciate your input!<P>Thanks!

Derby<BR>I had to laugh when I read your post. The OW in my H life was a friend of mine, but not a close friend, still in all, I absolutely dispise her, and I always said:SHe is going to have to learn BRAIL, because I am going to scratch her eyes out!<BR>I know that is a terrible thing to say, and I know that my H is 50% responsible (if not more)but my hatred for her is definetly unhealthy for me also.I am sorry I have no answers/solutions for you, but just know you are not alone.

Derby<BR>I had to laugh when I read your post. The OW in my H life was a friend of mine, but not a close friend, still in all, I absolutely dispise her, and I always said:SHe is going to have to learn BRAIL, because I am going to scratch her eyes out!<BR>I know that is a terrible thing to say, and I know that my H is 50% responsible (if not more)but my hatred for her is definetly unhealthy for me also.I am sorry I have no answers/solutions for you, but just know you are not alone.

Hi Derby-<P>Are you me? Am I you? Boy do our stories sound alot alike. The only difference is that my H always told me he didn't care for the OW's H. <P>I too want to rip out someones eyes-but only after I let her have it-from all sides. I am so far from being a vicious peson but I have to confess that I would love to hurt her half as bad as she hurt me. She too knew everything about our lives. I mean, I would say " Oh H is stopping by the store after swing to grab milk on sale at such and such a store" and guess what? She would jsut happen to be there-same time same place. She used me so bad-and it hurts. I didn't know that friends could be so cruel.. Maybe I was her friend but she wasn't mine. I really don't know. She also called my H at his two places of work-which is something that I have never felt comfortable doing in our 11 yrs together. Of course.............I know for a fact that he must have given her one of the phone numbers since it is unlisted and even I had to write it downa nd keep it in a place where I would never lose it. But the little sleaze bag would hear from me that H was working the other job and call him there-meet him there-that sort of stuff. am I mad-heck yes. It was one mile from our old house. She had an awful lot of courage to figure she was safe doing those things. Now I would love to plant my little foot right where the sun don't shine. I despise her!!!<BR>Sorry-I am getting all worked up again.<BR>what I wanted to say to you waas that a good male friend of mine told me that my pain is only self destructing-I will hurt me and me only by holding in all my anger. But I can't let it go on anyone so I need to let it just go. Easier said than done but focus and it will happen. Then he asked me if I believe in "what goes around comes around". I said sure I do. He said be patient-her time will come. so I just sit and hope it comes soon <P>Guess what happened today. H and I went to tan at a haircut place we frequent. And who was there but the OW. I didn't know what to do-I was shaking from head to toe. But one thing I wasn't going to do was give her the impression that she could intimidate me. So I went in and tanned for 20 min. and come out so H can go in-there she still is. Hehehehehe-she was getting a perm. she is also in the chair closest to the tanning area. I figured I would sit right there for 20 minutes and wait for H-make her squirm!! I must say-i was so shaky I am sure she could see my magazine moving-but I know she was uncomfortable and thats all that counts. H apologized to me when we were finally out of there-and yes I was upset-but he has no interest in her and I am sure that he means it. I want to be bold enough to go anywhere in this tiny little town and not have to worry about even shaking when I run into her one day. I want her to shake!!!<P>Anyhow-I guess what I wanted to say was yes-I was a friend of the OW-but she sure wasn't a friend of mine <P>Hugs-you and H will heal I am sure!!

Thanks, it is nice to know that I am not the only one who was betrayed by a "friend". My counselor says that is a double whammy. But you are right. I do need to move on and let go of all of my thoughts. I am pretty good when my h is around but when he is gone my mind does run amuck! I once talked to her about rumors going around town, our town only has 1200 people, and she looked at me with tears in her eyes wondering how people could think "she" would have an affair! The nerve. Now I do need to move beyond this. H is here with me, not with her and that is what I need to concentrate on. Thanks for letting me know that I am not the only one.

When you think about it, I think most of our mates did end up with a best friend. Reading all the literature on the different sites, it makes sense why that would be the case. With the exception of one night stands, they are the ones who work their way into our homes, and into our confidences. They seem to find the weak link in our marriages, and then jump in for the kill. Too bad we hadn't had the same insight into our marital problems, eh? Like you, I also confided in a "friend" (my sister) so it was a hard pill to swallow, when I realized what had gone on. That was a year ago, almost to the day, when I discovered the affair. At that point, it was over, for them at least, but not for me. I put myself through so much unnecessary misery. I have come a long way since then. Hate her? You bet!! As far as I'm concerned, she is no longer family of mine. But, to be realistic, I could also look at it from another perspective. Yes, she is blood, and she crossed a major line. Then again, we don't pick our family, do we? We do pick our mates, so from that angle, my husband was more wrong than she was. I do believe that what goes around, comes around, and avoiding her was the wrong thing to do. I found myself skipping out of family gatherings, etc. early, if she showed up, and then one day I realized that I had done nothing wrong, so why should I miss out on a day with my family, because of them. Also, it was more enjoyable to see them squirm when we had to be in the same room for the entire day. Then, she was the one who started to leave early. The strangest twist to all of this is that not too many in the family (we have a really large one, sisters, nieces, cousins, etc. 100+) know what went on, so at a wedding etc. all of us are always seated at the same table. It used to make me uncomfortable, but now, I rather enjoy sitting back, and watching the seat squirming, and the avoiding. We have another wedding in 2 weeks, which sister and her new boyfriend will be attending. Another sister and I will be going alone, and that should prove interesting. I would love to make a remark to her, that seeing as I was there "manless" she would have to share with me for the evening. After all, I shared mine with her for 6 months, or so!! When I think back to the many weddings, New Years Eve's, anniversary parties, etc. that I would push my husband to dance with her because she was alone (her and her H separated about 6 years ago) I could just kick myself! I have actually started to be civil to her, somewhat, and I find that it is much more confusing to her. At least when I didn't speak at all, she knew what was going on, but now, with me being a little nicer, neither her nor my husband can figure out what I am "up to" so it keeps them on their toes. Waiting for the bomb to drop, so to speak. She has gotten on with her life, so now it is my turn to get on with mine. <P>------------------<BR><P><BR>

The OW was a casual friend, but since my H denies any affair, and I have no proof, I have never breathed a word to her---other than whatever pointed general-type remarks I can make where she can hear. <BR> In fact, I'm sweet as all get-out to her. Since I figure that H has told her all about my suspicions, she is bound to be wondering why I'm so nice to her and also wondering when I'm finally gonna let her have it.<BR> I will say this for her, though. Other than the few remarks she made right after I confronted H (which gave her identity away), I don't think she's really tried to pursue the relationship with my H. I think that it just really p***** her off that my H apparently chose our marriage over her.<BR>I don't flatter myself that he chose our marriage because of me. I figure he chose our marriage because: 1. He figured that I would take him to the cleaners. 2. Our kids and his family would never forgive him.<BR>(Yes! His family loves me!! )<BR> But, one of these days...........I will deal with OW!!! And, it won't be pretty!!!!

Why Me: Yikes, you have alot of courage to be civil to your sister. That would be a real hard pill to swallow having to go to family dinners with her, but you are right--you did nothing wrong so sit back and enjoy the day and watching her squirm. As my "friend" aka ow was moving her advice to another friend was be careful who you confide your marital problems to. Best advice I have ever received second hand!<P>Sweet Pea: I think your name is a little misleading but I think dealing with the ow would be alot of fun! Right now I need to learn to forgive (not forget) for my sake because all of the negative thought are bad for ME! Negative in--negative out. It is nice to know that I do have company and that my feelings are very real and normal! If any of you come up with any good method of moving on make sure you post for the rest of us!!

Yes, the ow was supposedly a friend....a friend at church no less! Obviously she was no friend to either of us. She is twice divorced and it is very clear that she was looking for husband #3 and realized my husband's vulnerability during a bad time in our marriage. This doesn't relieve him of any responsibility at all, but I do hold her a little more responsible that I do him. She even admitted to me that she is due a little more blame than he is! <P>Anyway...a good book for learning to deal with the anger is Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve by Les Carter. I got it through Amazon.com....it is a fairly short read and I think worth your time.<P>I believe in forgiveness....both as a logical thing and because I am a Christian and believe that I am called to forgive. But I don't believe that forgiving the ow means I have to like her or have her in my life. It means that I work to reach a point where she has no impact on me....where I don't waste time wishing bad things upon her. I don't believe that forgiving the ow means I have to trust her or have her in my life in any way. We finally heard God's call and realized He was telling us He had another church for us to go to.....a place where we could heal and not have her presence as a constant reminder of something that was very painful to both of us. <P>I can't say that I have totally forgiven her....it has been 18 months now and I still occasionally struggle with wanting to know that she is suffering for what she did. But I continue to pray for God to help me move past that. I believe it will happen with trust in Him and effort on my part.<P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

HG:<BR>Thanks. I know that Christ is the ultimate forgiver and I need to remember that what little I am called to forgive is so small compared to His sacrifice. I too place more of the blame on OW since she had had a previous affair. She should have set up some type of boundaries to not end up in this situation again. We'll just say she swept my H right off his feet and he is still very attached to her. If he could say that he no longer loves her but loves me I think it would be easier to forgive. I really need to work on unconditional forgiveness. The Lord has been gracious in that she has moved far away. I will look for that book. Thanks again

Yes, the OW was someone I considered my best friend at the time (stupid me!!) The sad thing is, after I got over wanting to see her run over by a truck, I'm not even angry at her. I actually miss her friendship! I guess I'm sicker than I thought!!!

Betrayed,<BR>Often we spend as much time or more with our friends so when we lose them as well as have a huge hole in our relationship with our h it leaves a huge hole. There have been many times when I catch myself thinking "I wonder what ow would have thought of that" would have been a good laugh So much is lost through an affair.

DERBY-<P>If you are online can you and I talk? I am desperate here I am also afraid to send my e mail addy-any ideas? Please?

Quick correction here....<BR>I think I might have been wrong on the author of Forgive and Forget.....double check it because I can't find my copy right now. Les Carter wrote Getting the Best of Your Anger which is also very good.