Hi. Has anyone had experience similar to mine? Please advise. My wife initiated a "temporary separation" late July 1999. I was OK with it at first, we had had many problems. We have been together 9 years and have two children 4 & 7. I took an employee dorm room at work with "Joe" to give her some space. Soon I was not OK with it and wanted to work it out but she didn't. Turns out, she had started sleeping with Joe that first day. Now I was rooming with OM without even knowing it! She told me two weeks later, unapologetically(sp). I was devistated, tried to reason with her, but she was cold and aloof. I moved back in at home and she was looking for a new place. After a few weeks of going crazy, I asked her to leave. She spent nights with OM in the woods while I stayed home with kids. No relations between us since before that first day. We were seeing a counsiler who didn't help. Then she moved into a new place five miles away, and soon he moved in. We share the kids, switching every three or four days.<P>I wanted to use plan A, but she wouldn't give me the chance. I have sort of used plan B, although I have slipped many times and also we see each other and communicate regularly for the kids.<P>I have taken this all very hard, yet I also have heard the wake-up call and have been very serious about taking responcibility for and changing my problems. I have writen her a few from the heart letters which seem to have impacted her very little.<P>I love her very much and want to be a family again. On the one hand, she has been very solid about her decisions(this is her nature), and seems to be doing well with OM. On the other she is partying alot (pot and alcohol) and is in some ways more distant from the kids.<P>I believe that ending a nine year relationship by starting a new one is avoiding honestly dealing with feelings from the original relationship. My hope lies in that this "unreal" world of hers won't sustain her.<P>I have become very close to my kids, and have grown and developed a great deal. Yer I love and miss her so much. I know things were realy screwed up in our relationship before (looking back I can't believe I let things get so bad). But I believe in my heart that if given half a chance we could make it and be very happy. I'm ready to do the work!<P>She says she no longer loves me, that she has been letting go for a long time. I believe this, yet I also believe her feelings are masked by the affair and new lover. She said she coun't have done this without Joe. <P>Is there any hope?

Left Loving,<P>There's always hope. There was a reason she was attracted to you in the first place and the two of you feel in love and had children. Get Harley's book on "Surviving an Affair" and it will help to shed light on the situation and her reasons for the affair.<P>I know you must be in a lot of pain. Try and heal yourself and take care of yourself. Go to counseling alone if she won't go. It will help you. <P>The grass is not greener. Sounds like she is living in a fantasy world w/ all of the partying. She will wake up. Life is not like that. Plus I'm sure she loves her children and will soon realize this is not the kind of mother they deserve. In the mean time, get yourself together ... for you and the children.<P>It's a long hard road for both of you but there is hope. Keep posting here. It really helps.<P>

I have read the books and I am in cousiling. I recognize the unmet emotional needs. I sence that in some way I need to let her go, before I can get her back. Maybe if I did this I could be better about lovebusters and love deposits because I wouldn't be on such a rollercoaster. Thanks for your incouragement, especially reminding me of the intial attraction factor.

Welcome <B>Left Loving</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Our situations are very similar. Read my post on positive thinking. I'll bring it back to the top. There is hope, however the path is very narrow. Get to know us and you will see where your marriage <B>can</B> be healed.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OP/OW/OM).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A><P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <P>Text Provided By NSR<P><BR>Keep coming back,<P><BR>Bill<P>"commit to the Lord what ever you do, and your plans will succeed" Proverbs16:3<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

left loving,<P>Just to expand on what Bill has replied with... <P>There are a few things that stick out in my mind from your post... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I love her very much and want to be a family again.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>...and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But I believe in my heart that if given half a chance we could make it and be very happy. I'm ready to do the work!<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Based on these statements and the similarity between your situation and mine... I'd suggest going back to and working harder on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>She says she no longer loves me, that she has been letting go for a long time.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> are likewise words I've heard for many months now... You're absolutely right... "her feelings are masked by the affair"!<P>You clearly love your W and your <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A> for her is still in good condition. I have had 2 counseling sessions with Steve Harley and he helped me understand that I wasn't doing as good a job in <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> as I thought.<P>A "purer" <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> would strongly eliminate all <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> <B>and</B> whenever possible try to satisfy some of her <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>! It's this satisfying of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> that most <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>-ers don't quite grasp (your's truly included... when I first join MB and tried to follow the concepts)... Do take an look at, and fillout (from your W's perspective) the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4110_emndsq.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs Questionnaire</A>. Try an gauge where your weaknesses are!<P>Your situation wreaks of potential opportunity...<BR>You see your W weekly as to share the children...<P>Patience is the <B>key</B> here... Her partying and new lifestyle hopefully will wane. It can take a very long period of time... 6 months, 1 year, 2 years or more...<P>This infidelity is an incredible addiction... perhaps leading to other addictions. You may have to wait out for a period of time when she hits rock bottom. <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> is the best starting point. It is hard because <B>you</B> are doing all the giving (trying to meet em)... and getting <B>none</B> of the receiving! When you reach a point... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is the next step in a seamless transition.<P>I have made 2 posts that some (who understand the basics) have found usefull... check them out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A>. Flip-flopping between the 2 plans confues everyone... Stay with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>I really don't think you are at the stage of a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>... If this is something you really are questioning yourself about, I would recommend that you have 2 <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>I hope all of this helped...<BR>I don't want to overwhelm you with ideas or facts... but I remember... there were times I wanted to gobble up every bit of info <B>anyone</B> was willing to offer!<P>Prayers... (the perennial <B>Plan P</B>)... going your way... <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 05, 2000).]

Bill& Jim left little to say so just keep you head held high, keep praying. (if that’s what you do.) The big thing is to keep positive it is very hard some days but that is why we all are here, all of us wont be having a bad day at the same time so come and vent away. <BR>Take Care and God Bless<BR>Lesa<BR> <P>------------------<BR>maybe someday<P>