when it comes to the moment when you are plagued by the thought that your precious h or w actually did it with someone else, what do you do? how do you bear it? <BR> i pray. i posted this on the women's bible study topic, but i thought i'd ask here and see what you all say.

Hi neen,<P>I like many others here try an leave it with the Lord.<P>No matter what is said about <B>it</B>... <B>it</B> is a forgiveable sin... all sins are!<P>I continuously remind myself that my W is sick... the affair is a <B>very, very</B> sick addiction. An addiction as bad as drugs, excessive drinking or any other addiction.<P>Would the Lord want me to walk out on my spouse if he/she was a drug addict?...<P>We bite our tounges... We say prayers... <BR>I too have asked the forum folks for prayers... the response from them is/was phenominal... <BR>We come to the forum for support... rarely are we not comforted... (watch out for weekends... they do tend to be slow on this forum!)<P>I'm thniking of you... <BR>And saying a prayer too! <P>Jim

I feel very unqualified here, because I have had such trouble with this same issue.<P>Try not to think about it, no. 1. I know, that's impossible, try again.<P>Try not to think about it in connection with your "precious husband", and try to understand that the affair was a terrible mistake that he got caught up in. There are no good reasons, there are no excuses, there was just a lapse in his "preciousness". <P>Try not to dwell on this, because it will fester and become a major obstacle.<P>My H is trying so hard to be a good husband now. He is reading the books, going to counselling, trying everything he can to fill me with love constantly. <P>My thoughts about what he did just make all those efforts fruitless. This is very frustrating to him and he will probably give up eventually if I don't get my act together.<P>It isn't fair to me either. I have the opportunity to experience the love and adoration I always wished I had from him and instead of enjoying it I am making myself miserable.<P>Another piece of advice, replace those thoughts and pictures with new ones of you and him together. It works a little, sometimes, it depends on whether your an optimist or pessimist.

neen, i try not to think about it. actually obsess about it. <BR>It happened, its over, its her mistake, what was my part in "allowing" that to happen, etc......<P>When i find myself thinking of that too much- or at all- its to write about it and then burn it. forgive it, get it out, the more we hold on, the sicker it gets.

After shock, numbness, depression and now anti-depressants..... I am back to giving it to the Lord.<P>I remember what we were going through when it happened, and remember that at that time I was really praying hard for our marriage and my husband. I think the Lord intervened and saved our marriage - and I know the Lord doesn't start something without finishing it.... So, my strength is coming from the Lord, and knowing his promises.<P>I maybe cannot believe in my husband, right now, but I do believe in the Lord, who has my husband in his hand.<P>tnt

Neen, because I see you are a pastor's wife, I'm going to share something.<P>The most obvious thing, and what I got from my counselor was to distract myself and think about his good traits whenever I found I was starting to "loop" about the affairs.<P>But I think as Christians we find it harder to deal with because we've accepted the idea that Christians (especially our great mates) don't do those things. And this in spite of all the evidence to the contrary. My h had a history a mile long of sexual sin before we married and yet I honestly believed that was automatically changed when he converted. It's just not true. Whatever Paul means about us becoming new creatures, it doesn't mean that we are less prone to sin, especially the ones we have always struggled with.<P>I was just telling my h that if this had happened a few years ago before I learned that Christians are just as prone to sin as anyone, I would have wanted to write him off as unfixable. But it's my understanding of Scripture that was wrong. And my h has told me he really believes that without me to help him he would spiral into a hedonistic lifestyle. So, our precious spouses are more than capable of all kinds of things, for that matter so are we, though I am more prone to other sins. I don't think I could have an affair knowing the pain it causes. But this is all in retrospect; hindsight is 20-20.<P>

i so appreciate hearing all of your "hints", the best part is knowing that i am not the only "sick" one. i laughed when i read about how we bite our tongues, and also how we make ourselves miserable! how true! and yes, it is a loop, i read that forgiveness is the process of chemically altering our brain synapses. choosing not to allow thoughts to follow that rut....easier said then done....and easier, knowing that others suffer this way too. (misery loves company?)

neen,<P>Just another site on the forgiveness issue...<BR>You may have seen it already... or know about it... but here it is anyway...<A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A>!<P> <P>Jim

Neen,<P>Ten months later and it still gets to me. I try to push it away. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.<P>It also seems to come at the most inopprotune times. Like while being intimate. <P>I think for me it will get better when I know he no longer is in love with her or thinks he is. <P>On the bright side we are doing much better. My feelings are still hurt and I don't think there has been one day I don't cry. I guess that is all part of the growing and learning.<P>Giving it to the Lord is the best thing. I have had a hard time with that. Maybe that is the lesson I still have to learn then all will be okay.<P>You and your spouse will get through this. God is on your side.<P>We will all support you here and hold your cyberhand every step of the way. You are in good company here.<P><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<P>

You certainly are not the only "sick" one. My H's affair was not sexual, but it lasted for several months and did not end by his choice. It kills me to think of their exchanged loving looks literally right behind my back, their secret plans to get rid of me; their verbal exchanges of endearment; and of their other shared intimacies. I never realized what an incredible invasion of privacy and securtiy an affair of any kind amounts to! It will slowly get better with time.

neen. I honestly never let my self thnk too much about it.And luckily I didn't either. I think the only time I thought ( or had a dream rather ) about them was right at the begining, at a time when I was exausted and fell asleep for a few minutes while waiting at the doctor's office.<BR>Other than that some sort of defense mechanism always censored any thoughts or images, so I didn't have to fight that hard.<BR>But sometimes it did come to mind. SOme of the things I did was to have a book handy - it doesn't work with everybody, but when I'm reading nothing else matters, I'm not there anymore -, write down a list of the positive things happening read it and update it regularly - it worked quite well too - , banging on the piano keys ( it worked for me and for the guy who came to tune it, I'm not sure about the neighbours on the block though ), go out with the kids, I guess I'm easily distracted because that wasn't the worse part of the whole thing. Now dealing with the emotinal part of the affair was a bit more difficult, as well as trying to understand how he suddenly was so cold and uncaring.<BR>Kat<BR><P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.