Since I found out my wife of 15 years had an affair two months ago, she has treated me very coldly...and with distinct, but uncommunicated anger. Before the affair, our marriage was Ozzie and Harriett-like. We were very friendly, courteous and respectful to each other...and hardly ever argued. Since the affair, I have done everything in my power to remain nice and loving to her, but she responds only with anger and coldness. It's almost as if I were the one who betrayed her...not the other way around. Is this common? She used to be so wonderful to me...and now, it's as if a different, unlikeable person has inhabited her body. What can I do, if anything, to find that person I married nearly 16 years ago? Is that person dead? Why is she angry at me? Or is she angry with herself...and just misplacing that anger? Any advice?

yes my good friend Searching...<P>Oh.... sooooooo.... common!<BR>At least you have "uncommunicated" anger...<BR>I have <B>clearly, directly communicated</B> anger... from my W!<P>This experience we here at the forum (semi-comically)refer to as "the aliens coming an taking over our spouses bodies"... It really feels that way...<P>What can you do...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!... as perfectly as you can!<P>Give up and burn away all of your "bad feelings"(your anger, hate etc.)... release them... and throw them away as fast as you get them! If you're a christian... leave them at the foot of the cross...<P>She is not as much angry at you, as she is angry that you are killing her fantasy... It's not <B>you</B> my friend... it's <B>her</B> failing!<P>Advice... sure... love her a little more... <P>Check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>!<P>Love to you... <P>Jim

It's very common.<P>She "loved" the OM. And the affair is over and she's going through a withdrawal similar to someone who's withdrawing from a chemical substance. And guess who get's the blame...<P>Your main focus should be on eliminating lovebusters, and meeting her emotional needs that she's willing to let you meet, in the way that she wants them met. Fair???---no. But it is effective; it'll help her get through withdrawal.<P>I'd suggest that you buy the book "Surviving an Affair" here on the website. It'll give you a lot of insight to what's happening, and how you can help. And counseling here with Steve Harley (over the phone) is excellent as well.

My H ended the affair on his own before I even knew about it. I thought everything was okay in our marriage, or atleast nothing had changed until the time he ended the affair.<P>He treated me terrible. He was hateful and disrespectful. I finally confronted him and asked him if he was having an affair. I was surprised to find out that the anger was because he had ended it, not the cause of him starting it.<P>He still shows anger toward me when he starts worrying that our marriage won't work. This is frustrating, but I try real hard to perceive it as guilt directed at himself, not anger directed at me, it doesn't work alot of times though.

In the early days after discovery my H stalked around glaring at me even though he said it was over (kind of), was sorry it happened and wanted our marriage (or at least our family at the time).<P>I was in Plan A mode before I discovered this site and had been very supportive, very nice and very strong.<P>After a few weeks of his glares I pointed out his anger and asked him if there was anything more I could be doing to be supportive. He said no. I asked him if there was anything "wrong with this picture" that he was the angry one.<P>Even he had to chuckle a bit. Just acknowledgeing his anger as being misdirected and getting it out in the open helped a bit. He still had his glaring moments, but if I would ask again if there is anything I had done or was doing to flare up his anger, he usually backed right down, seeing it for what it was...whatever exactly that is.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks to all for replying. It is so very frustrating to see the anger in her...and not know the source of it. She has yet to communicate to me exactly what emotional needs I wasn't meeting for her...saying only that "it isn't there any more." She says she ended the affair immediately after I found out about it two months ago (actually it was our 14-year-old daughter who found out...but that's another story). How long does the withdrawl phase last? How long should I give her before moving on, myself? Again thanks for the help!

I got the same "treatment" and had trouble understanding. SO did a lot of people in our circumstances. It seems to be a sort of defense mechanism in their part. If they're angry with us, the affair is justified or something.<BR>The only thing I can say is that it will take a while, and we have to deal with it, if our goal is rebuilding. The least reasons they can find to justifiy their anger, the angrier they get, until they have no alternative but realise it's not real, and it's not directed at us but at themselves. From them on it gets better.<BR>Kat<P>P.S. By the way, before the affair, our 16 year marriage also seemed just great, and we never had fights or even argue.During the affair, and after it ended while in withdrawl my H had a bad case of amnesia and couldn't recall one single happy moment in our marriage although he certanly could recall vividly any bad moment even the ones that never happened or not the way he was rememebering. Go figure! <BR>We're now over one year in recovery and our marriage feels stronger and happier, so beliieve me it can be done.<BR>Take care<BR>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.<p>[This message has been edited by Kat1 (edited January 05, 2000).]

Kat1...thank you for your reply. Sounds like we have a lot in common...and it's great to hear there is hope...as long as I can have the patience you have. I'm glad you and your husband appear to be doing well now.