I think we are beginning to make progress - in our relationship! <P>I can't say I've done NO lovebusters, but I back off real fast when I catch myself. The stepdaughters have been in CA, and it has been so much more relaxed and predictable - it helps us focus and work harder on us.<P>Husband has been backing off of lovebusters, also (without knowing that is what he is doing...) He'll say something, I'll state my defense and walk away, and then he'll walk away, and eventually come to apologize. That is HUGE! I should learn to shut up more! We are back to agreeing to disagree within hours, and not holding the conflict as a power thing to keep arguing about.... I really think having the stepdaughters gone is helping us tremendously.<P>The other day, he came home with a typed out "to do list" for me. I had no problem with request no. 1 or 2, but #3 bothered me. Request #3 was to find a real estate agent to help him buy a second house in a city I don't want to move to.<P>I said "WHAT? Are you crazy? There you go again, making decisions without my input...." I got my keys and left for about 30 minutes. We resumed our friendly interaction, without discussing the house deal.<P>Next night, he came home, and we were friendly... Then he started talking about investing money. So I halted him in his conversation - and he got that worried look on his face - like I was going to bring up the house deal and lovebust.<P>Instead I told him that I wanted him to know why I was reacting that way, what my fears were. I told him that I feared having a second house - even for investment, would mean that he would leave when things got bad again. <P>He said he wanted a win win, he didn't want me to feel like that, he couldn't guarantee that he wouldn't leave if things got bad, and he just wants to find a way to make some money.<P>Then he said this is how we need to communicate. I agreed. He hugged me, and we went on to a perfect evening.<P>Little signs of progress.<P>Now the stepdaughters are coming home..... ugghhh.... <P>I wonder if the progress will hold us over. I don't want to relive the last 3 months again in the next 3 months.<P>tnt<BR>

Connie,<BR>Sounds WONDERFUL!!! However, I think the SDs being away has helped. From all your other posts I think they are a large part of the problem. Winning them over would probably go a long way.<P>I have a slight success story also: she prepared my plate and ate dinner at the table with the boys and me. I look for the silver lining in every moment.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P><BR>

TnT, that's great progress!!!!!! <BR>I'm proud of both of you, it seems to be getting there!<BR>I do agree with professorg though, having them away probably helped, maybe you should make up a plan or something to help you deal with them, maybe either distance yourself if you see conflict coming, or find things were you guys can agree with and stick to those.<BR>For the rest let him deal with it.<BR>I don't know, but it sounds so good, I wouldn't want it to go back.<BR>A big Hug<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Glad to hear you are making progress.<P>Stay safe!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Rob, that might not seem like a success story to some, but for us that are praying and working so hard - we measure in those tiny increments!!! And it is motivating when we see this, huh?<P>That is really great. <P>PTL for tiny little motivations that keep us going, like "chuga chuga toot toot!!!"<P>Blessings,<BR>Connie

Kat1 and FHL, we were posting at the same time!<P>FHL, I want to stay safe.... If I can learn this "shut up and pray" deal, I will be much better off!!!<P>Kat1, you are right - I'm a little nervous about the SD issues - I am really praying about this. I wish I could help them, but neither of them want anything to do with me, and are not satisfied with me simply existing. So, it isn't a good deal. I hope I can learn the shut up and pray routine concerning the issues with SD's too.<P>

"Shut up and pray"--I'd let that one slip my mind.<P>Last month H & I were having a horrible fight and he told me to just "shut up and save our marriage". I could only do it for about 4 minutes and as soon as I started talking again he said "You can't even stop talking if it will save our marriage."<P>I think about that a lot, even though our marriage didn't end that night, but my H has kept it (and the reasons for the fight) as a black mark against me. <P>TNT, I'm glad you've had some less volatile time and made some connections with your H. I worry about you...oh, I should shut up and pray...? <P>Sending prayers and good thoughts your way<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

TnT, I know this has probably been discussed already but is it possible that they push it harder because they know they get a reaction from you, that they are getting to you in any way?<BR>Did you try showing no reaction whatsoever about anything they do? Just let him deal with it if he catches up to it and not even inform him of what's going on if he doesn't know? I know this sounds difficult, but it is a way, you know. They're not small kids, they don't accept any form of guidance or friendship from you, so treat them as adults instead. Be friendly towards them but don't offer any help or suggestions, if they try to confront you about something, find something else to do somewhere else, don't give them the time of the day if they don't do it to you. Specially don't complain to H about them in any way he will get defensive.<BR>If they are nice to you, be nice to them, if they ignore you, ignore them, if they are rude find a good book and sit in the washroom for a while. COncentrate on H and you not them. WHo knows, if you react differently enough it might even shock them into being more considerate.<BR>By the way, if you're about to explode use the washroom tirck as well, it seems to work.<BR>I don't know you were probably told to try this before, but if you weren't give it a try, it worked before - I work with kids and teenagers, some of them with serious behavioural and emotional problems, so I'm given you a tested and tried thing <BR>take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Thanks Lor, and Kat.<P>Lor, that was a profound statement husband made, I guess we need to do a little more self control, huh? It is probably the hardest lesson of all.<P>Kat, I know you are right. I would say that 29 days out of the month I behave this way with the stepdaughters. The oldest is downright outspoken and mean, and munipulative. The youngest is more passive/aggressive. The oldest is living around the corner with BIL, and resents it very much. I've already called the police on her for ripping the phone off the wall while I was talking on it. She stays there because she knows she will be violent with me (she's done it before) and I will have her arrested. She does things now just to start trouble between me and husband and our son. Says things .... does things.... <P>The youngest is just plain defiant, and quietly devious. Last year at this time, before she got back into drugs - I had to make a rule that there was no koolaid in our house because the kids (her included - she's 16) were spilling it all over the house, and not limiting it to the kitchen. <P>She went out and bought koolaid, mixed it up and took it upstairs to her room. Since then she has made several koolaid spots in her room, put holes in the wall by hanging up pictures and posters with tenpenny nails and a hammer (instead of pushpins which are available to her).... She has torn out the stuffing in her mattress to hide stuff, I found cigarette burns in the new carpeting upstairs and cigarette burns on the window sills, the dresser and the mattress. <P>I am convinced she does this because she knows that I want things nice..... It is irritating, but I think - well, we will just remodal when she moves out. <P>She helps herself to anything she wants that is mine. I have no privacy, cannot keep nylons, eyeliner, etc.... <P>She lies, takes my things, destroys my stuff, and does it ON PURPOSE. This she does and claims she didn't, that someone else did. habitual liar. claims she is innocent. <P>I pretty much let her get away with her act of innocense, because it doesn't do any good to try and resolve anything. Her and I basically don't get into any fights, but once in a while I will put my foot down and then my husband intervenes violently.<P>The other one, the older one, is outright physically and verbally abusive and intent on doing what ever she can to cause my husband and I trouble. Calling him at work and dreaming something up is not above her. She actually told my sister a week before she left that she was coming out here to have a relationship with her father, and she would do whatever it took to me to make sure that will happen.<P>She unfortunately believes that I am the reason for her and her father being distant from one another, and for him and her mother divorcing. She always finds me as a scapegoat for many of her problems. She doesn't want help, and doesn't want to change, and wants to continue to find other people to blame for everything.<P>Husband feels guilty, is easily munipulated by his daughters, and I'm pretty handicapped at making any kind of difference in their lives. <P>I can only shut up and pray.<BR>tnt

speaking of buying houses.....<BR>H has decided to buy this huge mansion with his stock options in addition to a huge mortgage that we can't afford.<BR>we are supposed to move around 2-1, and i am so depressed about it, thinking it wont go through, and how will we afford it....<BR>tnt, dont let those SD's get to you. hang in there and bask in the warmth of your progress.

TNT,<P>Hi there sweetie. Was pleased with your reported progress.<P>Not feeling well here so can't really respond much.<P>Know though that you are in my heart and prayers.<P>Sending big hugs your way.<P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<P>

hi tnt, this is so nice to read from you!! <BR>What about looking into other ways to invest the money? Some happy medium where he would see the approx same rate of return, but it is not available for him when things get rough? He did ask you to find a realtor, so how bout finding an investment instead. Raw land is good, office building, or ??? <BR>How is your son? I hope he had peaceful christmas without the girls. <BR>Whew, they are not getting better liked i hoped. In fact, they seem even more belligerant, abusive, out of control. Maybe the best we could hope for would be early marriage?! <BR>(((hugs))) cl

29 days in the month is not bad at all .I guess she does want to be noticed, fight for attention can get real complicated.<BR>I agree with cl early marriage would help ( well at least to your marriage, probably not for her) do your best to do exactly the opposite of what they're expecting from you.<BR>cl's suggestion is also good regarding investing differently, I wonder if you should talk about that with him, he migth agree.<BR>Hugs<BR>Kat<BR>

Connie~<BR>Do you think that maybe this time alone together has helped to form a bond that will strengthen the stuff your marriage is made of? I pray it is so but maybe before they come back I would ask him if he enjoyed the time alone with you and if he thought that your life would be better communication wise if you didn't allow the SD's into the overall picture of your marriage? I would ask this in a non-lovebusting way, and I know you can do this, and be sensitive to his emotions. These are his children and you wouldn't love him if he was any different from what he is, you need to be aware that you see his love for his children as a positive thing as well as dealing with the blind love he does have for them. <BR>I made the committement to our marriage to put my H before my children only because eventually my children will be grown up and gone but my H and I will be together forever, maybe if he saw this it would help him examine what they are doing to the two of you. God Bless! I am so glad you are doing better now but will continue to pray for you!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

Well, I have a little more to update, but first I want to reply to you all.<P>LWB - I can relate to your feelings of debt... I know debt can add stress to a marriage, and I think I'm with you on the timing for this move isn't a good one. I'm doing my best as far as "shutting my mouth" with SD. so far - so good (It's been less than a day!)<P>Sam, I know I can always count on you. Hope you are better, as well as your daughter and grandson. <P>CL, I like your idea on investment that doesn't give him "options to leave"... He knows how to fix and sell - he is a contractor, but unfortunately his hands on experience has been in housing... As far as our son, I got him just what he wanted for Christmas, the main thing he requested was look alike bathrobes for him and his dad. I took him to Wally world, we picked out the fabric - and I made them to order. He was really happy to give and receive. It was nice not having the SD's here for sure. I don't care if it is early marriage or drug rehab! Anything I'll take!<P>Kat, I'm sure most of what I am experiencing with them is a fight for attention. You should see how the youngest one dresses... I'm sure that is part of the entire scope. She was nearly molested around 8 years old - and I'm sure this is some of the aftermath. Her dad and her would not consider opening that can of worms. Sweep it under the carpet is the philosophy... <P>Bren, actually today he asked me if life with him never got better than it was for the last two weeks, would I be content.... I said I could live contently for the rest of my life, although I would still hope for improvement in our communication and the one-ness in bed that is missing ever since the separation and infidelity in 96. He agreed. <P><BR>Today, he got into this lengthy discussion about commitment and marriage. I posted on Bozo's Deb's thread about a comment he made. He said "I want to stay married forever, but....", and I told him that in my opinion marriage never has a but. It was a really good discussion, in which he got on his knees twice, and said that he loved me and wanted me to believe that he wants to stay married forever. <P>I told him that I am committed, that I walk on one side of the fence all of the time, and he is usually on the fence. I told him I could not control - only work with what was there - I cannot fix this or change his commitment level. I told him that I could trust, but I wasn't responsible for his trustworthiness. I think he even understood what I was saying.<P>The anti-depressants are really helping me tremendously, or at least I think they are and am acting accordingly. <P>After this lengthy discussion, my husband told me that he received a raise 6 weeks ago, and his company is giving him cash every week. He showed me the cash. He said I should be thrilled for him, and that I should be grateful that he told me, because he never intended to tell me, and was stashing that money.<P>I immediately went to "dates". His disclosure (finally) was Dec 9th. Okay, so he got this raise before he decided to be honest. But when he decided to be honest, he decided to be particular about what he would be honest about. I thought about all of this, and I had a million thoughts going through my head. <P>I wasn't responding, trying to control facial expressions.... And he could tell that I was deeply disappointed that he lied to me. He blew up again. Didn't touch me.<P>I left. I prayed. I got in the car and praised the Lord for answering my prayers for honesty from my husband, as I've been praying for his mind and thoughts. I am grateful for honesty, but my gratefulness is to the Lord. I am still disappointed that my husband's integrity is further degraded. But, I have decided that is HIS problem, and not mine. <P>He owns his character and integrity, not me. I own mine. If he chooses to care more for his padded pockets, and other areas instead of caring about his own character and integrity, well - that is something I cannot change. Ultimately, his character and integrity are the only thing that matters. <P>I know the Lord will look out for me, and I don't need to worry about things I cannot control. I know the Lord knows about all the gaps that I don't know. I know the Lord has begun a good work here, and will be faithful to complete it. I know that my integrity and character are something that I value, and when I allow myself to go down to the level of superior/inferior modes - my own character and integrity will suffer. Ultimately, this is what I have also. No one can take this from me, and it is a self love thing - I am my own judge - besides God, and even there i am covered because I am forgiven.<P>My husband, however, can choose to continue to be the person he has been in the recent past, or he can choose to improve. Regardless, I will love him, continually work on forgiveness, because that is what I am called to do, and continue to pray that the Lord completes the work he began in our marriage and in my husband.<P>I think I am getting better. Whew! That feels good.<P>tnt

I am absolutely sure that this is the road of recovery (though difficult)for you. It is difficult to get there, but smoother since it is paved in Victory!!! Whether or not h. chooses this path is also not in your control. But I am so happy for you, sis!

TNT,<BR> GREAT JOB!! Only one little word bothered me you said, "I told him that I feared having a second house - even for investment, would mean that he would leave when things got bad again."<BR> Lose the "When" in that sentence.<BR> One other thing. When you CAN'T shut up (like us all sometimes) Remember this (Great lesson I learned)<BR> "The first one that talks LOSES!!" Try it it may work. GOOD LUCK AND PRAYERS FRANK<BR>

tnt - this sounds so good!!<P> <P>Lori

Thanks, sis. I think it is - a road to recovery. I think those anti-depressants help. Just have trouble falling asleep at night, and then I have to get up in the morning and I am exhausted. Going to have to learn how to manage that part.<P>Frank, you are right - need to lose the statement "when". You are correct correct correct. <P>Lori, I hope that 2000 brings us all new hope and a fresh start, and that the pain in 1999 becomes a faded memory fast.<P>***<BR>Remember that little baby we all prayed for 5 months ago? The one that defied the odds the doctors gave her? Well she needs more prayer. She has a lymph gland that is really swollen under her ear, and it isn't mumps. They have her hospitalized, and they thought they would do surgery yesterday to remove the lymph gland or drain the absess. But, then they decided to continue to watch her - as it isn't getting any bigger (Thank God.) Well that little baby is my grandneice, and my sister's grandaughter. (My sister is BAP4.) Her Name is Alexis, and will you all keep her in your prayers?<P>This morning I woke up angry... But, I shut my mouth and prayed. I keep praying - Lord let me handle my anger correctly, and behave the way you want me to behave. You know all my thoughts and my anger, but I am also called to righteousness - so please give me extra strength to shut my mouth.... Well, my husband was planning on working again in the house today. He decided to leave and go to work! YES! That means I don't have to worry about shooting him dirty looks and I don't have to worry about shutting up! Whew.<P>And, I am going to a conference today, so I won't have to worry about this until tomorrow night when I get home. Oh, I am so happy that there is prayer to get me through this.<P>I can't rely on my own understanding, but on the Lord. <P>You guys are really great, and keep those prayers going for Alexis.<BR>tnt

Connie~<BR>I just wish the day would come where you didn't feel the need to leave in a confrontation, that you would feel safe enough with yourself and with him to work this out and talk it out logically. I pray that both of you find this in the upcoming year. I am glad he is being very honest with you even though that may be painful for him, he is searching for the way to earn your trust and have you accept that he's lied and trying to come clean. It's hard, very hard for both of you to deal with that kind of pain. You go, he goes into a rage, a never ending circle, is there any way to break out of this cycle?<BR>I pray for you! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>