Ok, my last, and first, post gave my background and what was happening in my life.<P>Time for an update. <P>Christmas was such a dissapointment. Why? Well, seeing as Christmas is actually a two day celebration and H only was able to squeeze us in for a mere 5 hours out of 48. He told me OW was demanding he spend the majority of it with her. <P>It was the first time EVER our kids and I spent Xmas Eve without him. <P>He waited until the 22nd to inform me he would not be spending Christmas Eve with us but with the OW at his families celebration. Then he let me know he would be over at 7:00 AM Christmas morning to assemble a ping pong table and exercise bike our kids were getting. But he would only be able to stay a few hours as he had plans for the rest of the day, I could have just died when he told me this. Well he showed up late and I ended up just wrapping the bike in it's box and carrying in and assembeling the 250 lb table alone. He overslept. Or so he claimed.<P>The time he spent with us was great, though. He gave me a new 35mm camera and a gold pin shaped into my fave Disney Character. He even pulled our youngest aside and told her he and Mom have been getting along so well that he was planing on moving back home. He also said he wanted to take me and our youngest child to the airport the next moring. I had told him the weekend before I was going 1700 miles away to look for a new home to relocate to and naturally he said there was no need for that as he was coming home. But I didn't let that stop me from going. He was told to be there at 6:00 am to drive us. He asked me to come up with an excuse to give the OW as to where he was going that early. He didn't want her to know I was going away as she would then know he was paying for it. Beside he has told me he lies to her all the time. She thinks he never even comes into our house! She thinks he just picks up the kids and never even sees me! What a joke. He spends 90% of his time here with me, not the kids.<P>Well the next morning he doesn't show up! I had a backup ride in place and called them to pick us up. I did call his cell phone, as he asked me to if he wasn't there bt 6:15, but he didn't answer. So I left. When I got to the airport I checked my voice mail at home and he left a message crying and telling me he over slept.<P>I didn't call him back. Got on the plane and set about my objective of finding a suitable area to move to.<P>The week I was gone I recieved 3 or 4 messages *a day* on my cell phone from him telling me how much he loves me and can't live without me. I did talk to him and he just wanted me to come home. I told him I couldn't untill the day I had reservations for my return. He insisted on picking me up from the airport and I let him. Low and behold he actually showed up. I thought it was funny how he told me he had told OW he was taking the kids to the show that night to cover up what he was really doing. He kissed me so passionatly when he first saw me I was almost embaressed.<P>We have only been back 4 days now. The first two days he was here each night kissing me holding me etc. Now yesterday he doesn't bother to even call me! What the heck is that all about! He is dieing inside when I am gone can't stay a way the first two days and then dissappears the third day? I feel like a yoyo! <P>So what do I do now? He is in the process of starting his own bussiness and I know he needs to have that in place before he leaves her, but I just don't don't know if I can believe any thing he has told me. <P>He acted like he'd die whithout me when I was gone and right after I returned then he can't even find 2 minutes to call me 3 days later? <P>So what do you all think I should do? Should I just go ahead with my plans to move? Do I believe him and make plans for his return? I am so confused and I just want to get off this roller coaster.<P>FC<P>

If you want to see FC's first post, here it is:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010976.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010976.html</A> <P>Dear FC,<P>You've been dealing with this affair business for quite a while. How have the lovebusters been in the past? Do you have a pretty good track record of plan A?<P>Given the longevity of the affair, and your husband's attitude of OW being almost legitimate, and his family's attitude of her being almost legitimate, then I think I would go to plan B. - PROVIDING, that you have done a good plan A.<P>The key here is the seamless transition of no lovebusters in plan A to no lovebusters in plan B. <P>I think it would be great if you opened the door to your inlaws, and tried to mend the fence. Forgive them, I'm sure that they are just flowing with your husband's whims - and could be not so personal as it is a family trait - seems your husband has that trait too.<P>You hang in there, I still see lots of hope for your marriage. No man would make that much effort to stay in contact with you, and ask you to reconcile with the inlaws unless he was thinking that it wasn't over. The affair is an addiction, kind of like drugs are to a drug addict. It is hard to get over. <P>Keep reading and posting.<P>Did you get a copy of SAA? I hope so.<P>God Bless, and don't forget to pray!<BR>tnt

Look... he has to make a commitment to leave her at some time? Is he at that point now?<P>I'm hearing mixed signals...<BR>He started(or rebuilding) his own business... does that mean he's moving away from OM (workplace-wise)?<BR>Is he still living with her?...<BR>Do you guys have any couseling going?<BR>Are you working on <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>? <P>Last time I replied... (I think I was the only one) at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010976.html" TARGET=_blank>Delurking With My Story and In Need of Advice</A> I did suggest to stick to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>! and not to move to <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>.<P>Have you thought about these things?<P>A bit more background would be good to have in your profile "My Story"...<P>Tell us more... <BR>Did you get the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> yet?... or any other books?<P>When you post...<BR>post to a specific audience ("wayward", "betrayed" etc.)<BR>on a more specific topic (Plan A, Workplace, tec.)<BR>and make sure your profile "My Story" is updated!<P>I put out a couple of post on both Plan A and B... check them out...<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011323.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A - 101</A>...and...<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/011046.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B - 101</A><P><BR>Jim... <BR>you remember... the welcome wagon guy...

Thanks for your reply!<P>I didn't mention it but I did extend an olive branch to his mother the Monday before Christmas. I took her a poinsettia and pictures of our children. We talked for over an hour. Some of the things that stood out in our conversation are how she wishes our childrem would want to see thier dad happy (in other words they ought to accept the OW) and how I shouldn't sit around waisting my life (in other words I need to give up my stay at home mom status and get a job). She wasn't rude but certainly not interested in being supportive of me or our children. <P>His niece showed up about half way through our conversation and asked me if I had brought a poisonious plant to kill them all, I just laughed it off. Then she told me a plant might sway his mother but not the rest of the family. After all *I* did to them! What a joke! The only thing I ever did to them besides be their doormat was refuse to raise my children the way thet wanted me to as oppossed to the way I thought best. It is his niece and the rest of his family that have hurt me. I mean isn't it pretty darn rotten for them to all know about his affair for so many years and lie and decieve me while being oh so sweet to me face?<P>But the real slap in the face was when I was leaving thier house I slipped on ice in their driveway and no one even bothered to come out of the house to see if I was OK. As it turned out I ripped the cartiledge in my right knee and spent the next week in an imobilizer! What a bunch of nice folks, huh?<P><BR>As far a Dr. Harely's book.. no I haven't been able to find it! I have check every book store in my area! I won't order it online as I am very wary of the net and credit card numbers. Any suggetsions as to where I can purchase it?<P>TIA<BR>FC<BR>

Hi Again Jim! And thanks again for being such a lovely welcome wagon. <P>He has told me as soon as his business is up and running he will leave her and return to me. He seems to be getting the business rolling but I have no way of knowing how involved she is in the new business. He has told me if he leaves her now she knows way too much about the bussiness dealings from his current job and could cause him major legal hassels up to and including federal authorites.<P>He says he wants to be home with us. But I really see nothing changing, just a lot of lip service. <P>I know what you mean about mixed messages! That is how I feel all the time! <P>Yes he is still living with her. But he is teling me how he is lieing to her about a lot of things.<P>Yes I have been doing the plan A as much as I understand it without having actually read the book. I am certainly not love busting!<P>Plan B may be the way I need to go now. I guess after going through this for over 2 and half years now I need to move the last ditch effort. But untill I read the book I won't do that.<P>I asked earlier where I might be able to find a copy of SAA. Could you point me to a book store that carries it?<P>TIA<P>FC

Fingers Crossed...<P>I hate to say it...<BR>but maybe you need to check you H's story out a bit. If she has her finger on him (with legalities now)... without you moving... what is going to change in 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years. Maybe selling the business now... moving and setting up a new would be a better alternative? No? (Again I don't know all the details)<P>This is a very tough situation...<P>About the book <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>...<BR>Virtually all of the larger book store chains should have it on their shelves... Barnes and Nobles, and Borders just to mention a few.<P>Some people get the book from the Library!<P>Jim

Jim<P>First of all I have started writting my profile. I will have to do it over a few days as it is just too long and painfull to write it all at one sitting. But you are welcome to read what I have up so far.<P>I know what you mean about not understanding what a few weeks, months years will matter if she has dirt on him now. The way he explained it to me is she could cause him to loose his current job but once he is gone from there nothing she has will be able to hurt him. I don't really get it myself but there isn't any way for me to really check it out. <P>I had checked Barnes and Nobel, Boarders, Crown and a few smaller book stores before the holidays. I will go back and order one if they are still out of it.<P>In the mean time I just don't know what to do. I do know I don't believe much of what he tells me. I guess I just keep hoping there is a shread of truth to what he is telling me.<P>FC<P>

Fingers Crossed,<P>I really don't want to be the bearer of bad news...<BR>(I got a load of it myself today... it'll be on a later post)<P>But... With the negative things your H is coming out with (i.e. lying to OW)... you must maintain perspective...<P>One quote that comes directly from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"(SAA)</A> book is... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Wayward spouses do not necessarily have a history of lying, but their affair turns them into masters of deception. (page 40 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>... this usualy is lying to the "betrayed"... how much it is lying to OW... how much to you... you have to judge!<P>He may not be lying to you...<P>But it has been the experience of every betrayed here... there is a substantial amount of lying (to the betrayed) during the affair...<P>Lying is a clear indication of addiction... and... <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>An affair is a very powerful addiction. (page 56 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.<P>I don't want you to throw in the towel... just proceed with eyes open... <P>And most importantly come here for support! <P>Jim

One way to find out what's really going on is by communicating with the OW. <P>A good tool to use when you do talk with the OW, if you choose to do this, is not deleting the messages he leaves for you on your voice mail. If I were you, I'd then obligingly play all those loving messages from your H to you, for the OW to hear... If she's as much as a control/jealousy freak as he tells you that he is, and if he's lying to you as he claims he is, this information will probably crack their "relationship" completely apart.<P>Perhaps filing an "alienation of affection" lawsuit against the bimbo OW may also have the desired effect...<P>It's up to you to take control. Demonstrate to your H and the OW that you cannot and will not be lied to, deceived, manipulated, or abused ANYMORE. Now it's your turn to hold the reins!!!<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Elixir<P>Thanks for your suggestions!<P>I have infact saved *every* voicemail I have recieved from my H since he originally left over two years ago. Including the ones he sent me while I was away the week after Xmas. And some of those were very intimate to say the least! I'm sure she'd explode if she heard them! I don't think this is the right time to play them to her. However you can bet the farm that she will hear them, regardless of the out come of the situation! I am bidding my time, waiting to see exactly what my H does. If he comes home I will make sure her hearing them is a part of the ending of the affair. If he decides he just can't live with out the bimbo and chooses to stay with her I will make sure she hears what the man she *thinks* loves her *so very much* has been saying to his wife while he has been living with her. <P>As far as filling an Alienation of Affections suit..... I have every intention of doing so if he doesn't return to me. I already informed my attornies about my evidence and they have an attorney ready to take my case. They have cautioned me that it isn't an easy suit to win but they feel with the amo I have it I certainly have a better than average chance of victory. They especially love the BD card he gave me last year telling me how much he loves me and how he will spend the rest of his life making up to me what has happened. Of course he left to go back to her 9 months after he gave me that card. That with the countless voicemails pretty much proves his love for me. Then with her paying for most of his veichles of deception and his attornies retainer when he did file when he first left me along with her drastic change in appearance and their coworkers testimony that she was constantly hanging all over him when they did work together I pretty much have a really soild case. Of course I hope I never have to actually file, but it is nice to know I do have the option if I need it. <P>I do infact feel as if I am beginning to get a hold of the reins! He called yesterday and told me he has left his old company and it is the first step in his plan to leave her and return home. I didn't say much and he got concerned I wasn't believeing him. He again assured me we are now a step closer to being together. Of course he also said he'd be over later that night to see me and he didn't show up. I'm sure he knows it really hurt me, so I will not be available today when he calls to give me some crapolla reason as to why he didn't come over or at least call to let me know he wasn't coming. That always gets him nervous when he can't get a hold of me.<P>One last thing... my oldest daughter told me last night that when he came over Sunday before he picked me and our youngest up from the airport he asked to see a newpaper. When she asked him what for, he told her he needed to see what was playing at the show so he could tell the bimbo (my word not his) he was at the show with the kids as the trolop (my word not his) wouldn't like it too much if she knew he was picking us up from the airport. Not that I feel it's right for him to involve our daughter in his web of lies, but I thought it was interesting he was telling his own daughter he was lying to his mistress.<P>Thanks again for your support<P>FC<P>