Are you lurking out there? We haven't heard from you this year!!! Time for an update please.....at least let us hear from you.

Hi Susan,<P>Well, I'm only lurking nowadays. Firstly, I'm pretty busy with work. Secondly, I don't have anything at all constructive to say to anyone. I would've only been destructive in any of the responses I wanted to make lately, so I hold back. I'm no help at all to anyone right now.<P>Last week, my wife had to have an emergency appendectomy, so it kinda put a damper on our Millennium plans. She's still recuperating. Other than that... nothing really to update.<P>thanks for asking,<BR>--andy

Airheart,<P>Good to hear from you anyway. I share the same feelings and don't post much either. If I could just get past this d@@# withdrawal. I fell off the wagon a few days before Christmas and talked with the OM. The the day before New Year's Eve I told him I was going back to the "no contact" rule. I just wish I could get these thoughts and feelings out of my head constantly. I try to focus on all the bad things on the relationship, but then I end up feeling bad because I blame myself for not doing something about it sooner. <P>Let us help you if we can. Don't worry about not having anything constructive to say. That is what we are here for.<P>Chin up.

Susan, do you have an email address?

yep, sure do <P><BR>SlmD143@hotmail.com (this doesn't work all the time)<P>[This message has been edited by Susan (edited January 05, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by Susan (edited January 05, 2000).]

Hello Susan and Airhead,<P>Not to bust in your little private world but I have been really wondering something and maybe you can shead some light.<P>Have you ever thought that once you finaly decide that you really do love you S that they may decide that you are not worth it? No I mean really have you ever thought that this might happen to you?<P>I find myself in this position. I had to go to the Doctor today. Tomorrow I have to get a lot of blood work done. Tony called me at work to make sure everything went well. I just did not care if he knew what was going on or not. I had a great Christmas...never seen so many gifts from him in the past. He is even super cleaning around the house. But for two years he emotionaly abused me. I really believe this. I was abused from the very beginnning with his affairs. I know believe he has finally decided that he will love me. I am the basic same person why now and not in the beginning. Oh yes because of his affairs I now cry at a drop of a hat and have to be on Paxil because St Johns wart was not doing a very good job but still the same person.<P>I am thinking that I deserve more than him. Now that he wants me I find that I am not sure I want him. I really mean it I do not think I love him. I have been trying to prepaire him for the fact that we might really break up. I am tired of all this and I am tired of dealing with the stress of worrying when he will cheat again. <P>Tony was a selfish jerk for almost three years now and I am to assume that he has changed his ways over night. I find that hard to believe. I would like input from you guys in why you think that your S will not leave you? Maybe it will help me understand why Tony thinks that I might not say I have had enough You are so out the door. I just do not understand this idea of Tony that I would never leave him. Can you give me some insight into this?

Sorry Paha... don't know how much I can help. For me, if my wife finally decided that she didn't love me, I'd accept her decision. You are certainly correct that you deserve to be happy and you deserve to love someone and be loved back by that person. Maybe you really <B>do</B> deserve someone better than Tony.<P>I'm really not in a position to answer your question personally I guess... sorry I can't help.<P>BTW, my name's air<B>heart</B>, not air<B>head</B>... little bit of difference... LOL!!! <P>--andy

Airheart,<P>I am sorry about the mix up. I was at work and not all together. Hey that is the story of my life at this moment.<P>I guess I am really trying to understand why someone can cheat and not really care about hurting the other person. Did you ever think about your wife? I am not trying to be mean or cruel at all. I hope you do not think that...I am just trying to understand. I have tried to talk to Tony about this but he is not sure why. He just said he was a selfish jerk and that he now knows that it is wrong. But what if he does do it again?<P>Hey how are you doing? I have been following your story and I know it is hard. Sorry you have to go through this too. Thanks a lot.

Hey Susan --<P>I'm here, but lurking much like airheart these days. I, too, don't think I have much constructive advice to offer these days. The holidays were full of very emotional times -- one moment really positive and encouraging, the next moment inches away from calling the whole marriage a "goner". I've never felt so much the outsider.<P>I'm not ready to talk yet. I'm kinda still sorting through my feelings these days. I'm also closer to moving on with my life without my W than ever, since I cannot seem to get through to her my hopes and feelings. She hears her side and hers only.<BR>It also got rough on my youngest child. I swore that I would not let give them a negative impression that forever tarnished their Christmas or Millenium/New Year periods. So, I bit my tongue -- a lot.<P>Sorry to hear that you broke the "no contact" rule. I'm sure it's hard. I know my wife claims to have done it. Still resents me for making her have to do it. And, she doesn't understand why it's important, since she "didn't have an affair", only a "friendship".<P>Guess I'm talking more than I was ready for.<P>Take care for now, and I'll check back in a day or too.<P>Glad to see your keeping the "chin up" signature alive!<P>-- keystone

Paha,<P>When someone is in the midst of the affair they don't really think about their spouses. Or rather, they <B>do</B> think about the spouse, but have an amazing knack for rationalizing everything. Alot of the time they know it will hurt the spouse, but don't realize just <B>how much</B>. Also, maybe they think they can keep it secret and the spouse will never know. Or maybe they make the spouse out to be the bad-guy and they have it coming.<P>For me, I felt terrible all through the affair cuz I knew that it would hurt my wife horribly. I was depressed, but I still couldn't help loving the OW.<P>It seems encouraging to me that your husband acknowledges that he was a selfish jerk and is willing to change. Has he read the information on this website? Or any of the Harley books? An important concept put forth is that the changes he makes are for a life time, not just until everything blows over...<P>The other thing I should point out is that you have just as much responsibility to keep your marriage affair-proof as he does. You must continue to fulfill his emotional needs, and you both must continually communicate your needs to each other to make sure they're always being met.<P>take care,<BR>--andy<P>P.S. to keystone -- hey, sorry you had such a tough time during the holidays. It's too bad that your wife doesn't see the destruction her "friendship" caused in your marriage... <sigh!>

Hey Andy,<P>Yes you are right I am lucky that he is trying to fix things. I also know that I am lucky that he understands the damage done. I just am not happy that I have to go through it at all. When we commited to each other I asked him not to cheat on me. I was cheated on in the past. He did it to me in two groupings. Not to mention all the selfish crap added onto the affairs.<P>This is my problem. I just can not get over all that. I am trying and we have gone to therapy for all this. He has a long way to go to get over his selfish mode and I have a long way to go to get over all the hurt and pain. But I have been thinking of late that everything he has put me through is not really worth it. I can live on my own. The more I think about our life together and what I would give up I would miss stuff but I just do not care to get abused any more. It gets harder every day to place myself out there for the potential pain. <P>Tony and I have the posability to have a long future together. What happens when he goes through his mid-life crisis in 25 years. He starts sleeping with a co-worker or something? I can not go through one more affair. I just can not place myself in that pain again. How can Tony promise me that will not happen. With each affair and other woman my self has been chipped away.<P>I am sorry I think I am depressing people.

Hi Keystone,<P>Know how you feel. Try and hang in there. I kind of made a promise to myself that I would not make any major decisions till about a year after Tony's last group of affairs. This way I would have a chance to get back to a sense of balance and give him a chance to prove himself. <P>I have till April 2000. I guess I just try and take it one day at a time. I am also hoping I made the right decision to get placed on Paxil. I have to kick this depression somehow. <P>Oh I feel bad I am really trying very hard not to depress anyone. Sorry. Baby steps that is all we can do.