I am having trouble coping with finding out that my H actually went looking for "someone to talk to" via internet personals. I can sort of understand how people could start off as coworkers/friends and end up getting involved, but this involved planning on both their parts. I know my H was depressed and angry, and apparently blamed me for not having gone back to work improve our financial situation. Silly me, I never guessed he wanted me to, since he had never said anything and since years ago when I was working he had told me that he really didn't like the idea of the kids being in daycare. I am feeling so disillusioned all over again. I am angry at him, but I am even more angry at the OW, for purposely answering a personal ad from a MM, for purposely getting involved with someone with 6 children. I wonder what her excuse is. I have to wonder if she is doing this out of revenge against her H or against womankind. Sometimes I wonder if she is just waiting for him to get a divorce so she can dump him. <P>My H has told me that he views his relationship with her as permanent, but obviously if either of them had half a brain they would know that at the first sign of conflict one or the other is likely to run to the internet to "find someone to talk to".

Nellie,<P>Do you think your husband has had an affair before this one?<P>Connie

When your H said he views the relationship with the OW as "permanent", what did you say?<BR>What came to my mind was,"OK...I take that to mean you have viewed OUR relationship as "temporary", even after making 6 children with me?" I guarantee your H considered your marriage "permanent" at one time. This relationship he's choosing over his family is doomed. "Permanent" my hind end! <P>I'm so sorry for what I can only imagine you're going through. I only have two pair of innocent eyes looking up at me wondering what's wrong with Mommy & Daddy. Hang in there!<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>

I highly doubt his relationship with OW is permanent. <P>ROFLMAO - "curfew" Ha ha<P>Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if this relationship went on for about 2 years and then ends because she had an affair. A conflict avoider in a relationship like this, built on a foundation like that, with 6 kids of YOURS is bound to be causing conflict at some stage of the game. He won't be able to meet her needs, and her expectations at some point - she'll probably start advertising on the net or answer some ads again. <P>If you WANT to hang in there, it may be a while, but you may have a husband back on your doorstep after reality really sets in. I know my x was back on my doorstep, but it was too late. I had moved on.

trustntruth,<BR>I never suspected my H of infidelity before this, but I am no longer absolutely sure of anything. About a year before we were married, he started complaining about wanting time to go hang out with his brother, and that I was being too nosy about his activities. I only remember him actually being gone one day without my knowing exactly where he was.That was shortly before he moved out for a few hours, but shortly after he came back, he completely stopped those complaints, and for the next 20 years he never said anything similar. Before we were married I found out that he had a secret P.O. box where he was receiving pornography, and about 8 years ago I found out he had rented a P.O. box again - I assumed that it was for pornography also, but now I am not positive. He has never before during our marriage had any unexplained absences, so if there had been another affair, it couldn't have been very involved. I always knew where he was, he was always pretty reachable at work, and he never went in on weekends and rarely worked late. <P>Kyra, <BR>When he said he viewed it as permanent, I let that remark slide right by. He probably does - he tends to be pretty impulsive, though scared of actually getting married. He started talking about us moving in together after only six weeks - I thought he was nuts, though I didn't tell him so. He told me later that he had been disappointed the day I met him when he found out that I was about to move, because he thought I might not want to move again any time soon. <P>I am trying to figure out why a divorced, wealthy woman would answer a personal ad from a MM. It is certainly not the best source if she were looking for a LTR. I suppose she could have been looking for something casual, and got more involved than intended. But sometimes I wonder if she was looking for a challenge, or it was some kind of revenge - against her ex, or men in general, or women in general. Is she planning on manipulating him into getting a divorce, and then dumping him afterwards?

Nellie1,<P>I have to tell you what my H was saying to me a couple of months ago: "I should have told you, but I wanted to be married to a professional woman and have children later in life."<P>Yeah, he should have mentioned that when he gave me the book of baby names for our first Christmas and asked me to start picking some out. And when he insisted that NO ONE other than he or I was allowed to babysit our daughter for at least the first year or two. And when he asked me to have another baby. And when HE chose to be the one to look for a full-time job because one of us needed to work and one of us needed to raise our children (because HIS children don't go to daycare) and he didn't like being at home all day. MAYBE HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME.<P>Well, my point is, he didn't mean those things. He was lost in Fantasy Land. To admit that HE wanted these things too meant that he was responsible for how unhappy he was.<BR>

OW came to my house last year, and she and H "had to" break up, and they were both going on about "i'll never find anyone else, this is it for me" oh gross. She went on to sleep with another married man they worked with...<P>"Permanent relationship"? whatever! i think she might get sick of him not really having any money "successful" women generally look for MORE successful men, and he is always gonna be strapped from child support. with five minors and a college student, he won't be buying her a red convertible any time soon!

Nellie,<P>Re: 18 year old<P>Is this the child that husband would not give birthday money to? Is he requiring the kids to agree with him in order to have a relationship with them? How does he behave when people oppose his views - outside of the affair? Does he always have to be right?<P>It does sound as if your husband was secretive for a long time, I mean - renting a PO box says he has something to hide. His internet infidelity turned real is really sickening. He sure isn't a very honest person?<P>Are you sure you want to work it out with this idiot? Do you feel like your entire life was turned upside down because of him? Maybe you need to try and re-define your identity - so what he does doesn't affect your self esteem so much?<P>If my husband and I would divorce, I still know that I am somebody. How I live my life would definitely change, but lots and lots of the parts of my life wouldn't. It is kind of comforting to know this. I don't define myself as "his wife". I know that I have value with or without him. Maybe this is something you can discover?

Nellie,<P>I don't want to put doubts in your mind, but just want to share a bit with you.<P>I ALWAYS knew where my H was. He ALWAYS told me. In a million years, I would never have suspected him of an affair. When he went out to the bar, he told me. I knew he was meeting his friends there, I just never realized he was also meeting OW there. When he told me he was going to shampoo some girl's carpets from work, I never thought anything of it. He was in the maintence department and had access to their shampooer, and he's always been one to help out other people. Just didn't realize it was more than helping out. When he told me that he had gone with a friend to some girls house to watch movies, I assumed it was a girl his friend was interested in. I did not know it was my H spending the night in her bed.<P>I am not saying he did or didn't do this before, but he didn't have to lie and have unaccountable time inorder to have an affair. I would have to say that I don't think my H ever lied to me during that time.<P>------------------<BR>Shoni<P><BR>

My husband has also told me that his feelings for the OW will never change. The relationship with her is not permanent, but the feelings for her are. Dr. H. made a point of this phenominom (sp?) in his book. The betrayer has no reason to make withdrawal from the love back he has for the OW, and since there is no more Interaction between the two (supposedly) then that bank account becomes a savings account. Savored Memories. A special place in the heart. etc. But it is a savings account that gets no "interest payments. Hard as this is to accept, I believe it to be true. The good part is that if the OP is out of the picture, no more love units are deposited for him/her. And the spouse has the chance to make more and more deposits in his/her account.<BR>My H wanted me to write the cover letter to the OW when the pictures and love letters were mailed back to her. In it, I acknowledged that he (my h) would always treasure the memories of the times they spent together and if she ever REALLY needed to talk to him I was sure he would want to talk to her, but that it would be against my wishes and that I would really prefer that she get on with her own life and leave us alone to get on with ours. There was more that I said, but basically, I acknowledged the "real" feelings that had existed between them without judgement, but stated my feelings as well. He no longer had a need for the relationship with her and wished the best for her. I think this was something that really surprised my H. <BR>I truthfully cannot say that they have not communicated by phone or letter since that time, but I honestly feel that my nonjudgemental attitude made my H all the more appreciative of our status as friends. and as such, less willing to hurt me and more willing to work on our marriage. Well, that is what I chose to believe, anyway. I pray that I am not wrong. The OW told me on several occasions that she did not want to have anything else to do with my H, in fact already had another boy friend. And H has not been to her state in 6 months.<P>What is my point? you ask.....<P>I'm not real sure. but maybe if you tell your husband that you understand his feelings about her, that he will be less defensive and will realize that you are a better friend than she is. After all, he talks to her about his problems with you. Switch the roles and listen to him talk about her with out showing the pain or anger. Easier said than done, but isn't that what Dr. H means when he stresses that we NOT love bust.<P>I may be all screwed up these ideas, but may as well consider all options. Reverse Psy, and all.<P>Good luck.<P>PW

Nellie1,<P>Join my club. My spouse did the same thing as your husband. He went to the internet and found someone. I don’t really understand how he could this. I have the same problems with this as you. My spouse didn’t share his feelings or wants with me either. I could understand better if it was a co-worker or someone he already new. But he made plans with the other person to have lunch. Then went out again and you know what happened. It was like he planned to have an affair. That hurts the most. It wasn’t an accident it was on purpose.<P>Dealing with it all and getting through it…but not real happy about it yet….although to look at me you wouldn’t know.<P>TxOnline<BR>

Just to let you know too, that my H met his ow online also. For me I couldn't understand how he could possibly consider a stranger over his wife and children of 14yrs. I heard it all "they were meant to be together"...but the whole time they are both lying. Needless to say it has all come to an end and the ow is still online....we can see her pop up on our list (but she has no idea what our new log on is). It is very hurtful, but there is the chance to make it. We did, and are very happy today. But we have totally new rule on the internet, a must for both of us to trust again. Good luck!

Lizbeth,<BR>I wish I knew when or if my H was going to come out of his fantasyland. He told me a couple of years ago that he would have liked to have had more than 6 kids, if we could have afforded it, but when I mentioned it shortly after he left, he had forgotten ever saying that. Family used to be so important to him. A friend of mine actually asked me if I thought he might have multiple personalities.<BR>love was blind,<BR>I can't imagine what she sees in him. Before he left, he spent virtually no money on her, but one of the first things that made me suspicious was that his new and supposedly male friend had bought him an novel.<BR>trustntruth,<BR>No, this is her older sister, who is still speaking to him, though barely. In general, I thought he was an fairly honest person, although he resorted to secrecy a few times to avoid conflict. Up until the affair started, I can't think of more than maybe one occasion when he lied to me, and after discovery, he has seemed to try his best to avoid outright lying, not that lying by omission is much better. He is fairly opinionated, but in general he is not incapable of admitting when he was incorrect.<BR>He was certainly never perfect, but he hasn't always been the idiot he is now. He used to be a completely different person.<BR>Shoni,<BR>I guess my H could have had an affair previously, but his behavior changed so radically as soon as this affair started. All of a sudden there were unaccounted for absences and lies.<BR>Pilot's wife,<BR>He doesn't talk to me at all about the OW, and if I bring her up at all he gets extremely upset and irrational.<BR>TxOnline and gladimadeit,<BR>I never worried about his internet use. Our computers are right in the middle of our living area, and he hardly ever got on the internet. He was so busy at work that I have no idea how he even had time to find this woman.<BR>

Nellie1,<BR> I won't try to get your hopes up,but I thought you might find this interesting.I ran into an old friend today.His W had an affair about 3 years ago,at which time they got divorced.She told him she was never coming back.Well,guess who's been coming around bugging him now,and talking about going to counseling,and getting back together??<BR> --Murph

Nellie1, <P>There is hope! Last night my H told me something that amazed me. He said that he had noticed the past few months that the things that interested him were FAMILY-RELATED. What commercials caught his attention on tv, what activities he was interested in, etc. He realized that FAMILY is really important to him, after all. <P>He decided that if he was going to have a family with someone, it should be me. (sheeesh, aren't I lucky! LOL) It's like he's a completely different man. I know what you mean about the multiple personalities. I've wondered that about my H for years. It's the fantasy they're living in, I'm convinced.

murph and Lizbeth,<BR>Thanks for the encouragement. Something is causing my H to want to spend less and less time with the children, especially away from the OW. I hope eventually he misses them, and doesn't just keep withdrawing from them. He doesn't seem to be close to her kids.