Yesterday was the firt time I posted on this forum. My finding out about my H's affair is fairly until this afterday I was very confused about what to do. Now I don't want my marriage of 13 years. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself, but I don't feel that I deserve this. I understand that I played a part in my husband having an affair but I don't understand why I should be understanding in light of what has occurred. I just had our fourth child 2 months ago, had a tubal ligation 2 weeks ago and to be honest my emotions are already skrewed. To find out that my husband is in love with my next door neighbor after only spending 2 months with her and 17 years with me is too much to deal with right now.<P>Since finding out about the affair I have since learned that in that short time they have managed to destroy every memory of every intimate time we shared together. My husband spent most of his time with the "OW" going to all the places that we had been on special occasion. He spent his time trying to rekindle with her flames that we have lit in the past. I don't want to understand. It's not fair. We both have shortcommings and there have been many times that I too have wanted to walk away because of the hard times, but I have always remained true. Why should I excuse his weakness because I am not perfect. I was trying to forgive him and wanted my marriage when I thought there was something left to hold on to, but now I feel I have nothing left. It hurts too bad. Help!!!!<P>------------------<BR>

You are right. It is devastating. I am one who believes if the betrayed wants to walk away, then that is their right.<P>But pause first. You are emotionally drained. You are post partum. Remember this man is the father of your children and remember the good times. Give it a rest, then make you decision when you can evaluate what you want with a bit more clarity of thought. You need to do what is best for you AND your children. <P>Just give it some thought. I know the pain is unbearable, but ending it does not stop the pain. Give yourself some time.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

FaithHopeLove,<P>Thank you for your reply I am so glad that there are people out there who understand. I will take your advice. <P>------------------<BR>

The one thing I've learned is to take my time and not make decisions when I'm an emotional basketcase. It's hard, it hurts and the whole thing stinks. But I hear in your post many of the same feelings I've had since discovery, and at first those feelings come one after another, like ocean waves crashing on the beach, but with time they (at least in my case) come less often.<P>What helped me was to focus (at first when it's so intense) on my kids. Then later I found I could focus on them and me. And then on my marriage. Perhaps this isn't the best way, but it helped me through the worse of it.<P>I still come back to that "why am I staying here" frame of mind......and slowly, I'm exploring the whys and why nots.<P>The key is time. It won't give you answers, but it will let you see things more clearly. I think the pain is just as bad whether you stay or go, at least at first....<P>Take care

Sometimes I think they are trying to rekindle the flames, that what they really want is the relationship with their spouse all over again, only new and exciting, with none of the problems. My H's OW shares my first name, and lives in the same town where he and I first rented an apartment, 24 years ago, and it is hard to believe that these are both coincidences. <P>I am so sorry that this is happening to you, especially right after childbirth. So many affairs start right after some major life event.

AM, I am sorry you are feeling so bummed today. Most of us have been in your shoes emotionally, and we have all made it. I know I can probally speak for most and say we are all better, and stronger people now. I do believe that we play a part in the breakdown of our marriage, along with the other spouse. HOWEVER, I feel very strongly, that we play NO part in the affair. You were never asked to be part of that. I thought it was all my fault that my H had an affair, but it wasn't. That was his choice, he could of come to me with the issues but he didn't. I can not be blamed for that. Neither can you. Take this time enjoying your baby and the others of course, give your heart a little time to heal. I know that this pain is something you have never experienced before, but it will get easier.

AM -- Take this slow. You are still battling hormones as well as your life situation. I set a time limit to see if our relationship could be turned around. On the surface everything seemed better, but when it would come down to actual conversations, he wasnt' feeling any better. So, when the time I had set came I knew it wasn't healthy for my state of mind to stay. So I moved as planned.<P>I thought I was ready to leave and felt strong and confident about it. I can take care of myself financially, etc. BUT TODAY I AM AT AN ALL TIME LOW. TAKE YOUR TIME AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE READY TO TAKE THIS ON ALONE BEFORE YOU TAKE ANY KIND OF ACTION.<BR>

AM,<P>Good advice in the last posts....remember that your hormones are still prob. out of whack, and this kind of news really rocks your world. But as some here can tell you, it does get easier to get through the days as time goes by. The point here is that you should not make any jump decisions now. You want to take care of yourself physically, and get your thoughts together before making any decisions that are not well thought out. I can tell you that after the last time my H renewed his affair, and I took the few months to think, I now can react in a mature fashion. <P>------------------<BR>Susan

AMHARRISON<BR>You are in a state of shock right now....your body is not only dealing with the effects of pregnancy and childbirth, it is dealing with real physiological effects of the trauma you have been dealt.<P>Slow down....take a deep breath....don't make any decisions about your marriage while you are in this condition. I know how much it hurts. I didn't eat for two days after the revelation and then only ate very small amounts for over two weeks. I cried every single day for several weeks and fairly often for a few months. I couldn't concentrate and suffered from anxiety attacks. What you are experiencing is a normal reaction to a terrible betrayal. <P>I would like to make some concrete suggestions beside just slowing down. There is a list of the effects of the revelation of an affair on the wounded spouse in the book After the Affair by Janis Spring. I remember reading it and realizing that I wasn't going crazy after all.....what a blessed relief that was, to know I was normal in my grief. I also highly recommend the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder. You don't really say what your husband's state of mind is in this post....if he has ended the affair and wants to heal your marriage. This book is, in my opinion, the best one available for couples working to rebuild after an affair. <P>And I can't leave out the books that healed my spirit....Experiencing God Day by Day and The One Year Bible. God used both in very clear and specific ways to touch my heart, comfort me, and to send me messages about hope, forgiveness and healing. He wants to work a miracle in your marriage if you and your husband will let Him.<P>I remember the pain and I remember the confusion. I remember wondering if I would ever feel normal again....wondering what normal really was. I can tell you with absolute certainty that you can feel normal and happy and content again....it takes time and effort, but it can happen. <P>------------------<BR>"They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up with wings as eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31<P><BR>

took me awhile to get here...<BR>i hope you are feeling better, and what you went through is completely normal (well, worse...aren't you getting NO SLEEP right now?).<BR>i guess i have technically been 2.5 months since second discovery (same OW), and it takes a long time to get over the feelings that you might as well give up (like, im still thinking it, and im 8 months pregnant!).<BR>the roller coaster goes up, and then it comes down, and hopefully it stops going down so low after awhile. hang on, take care of yourself, and don't say or do anything you'll regret.<BR>hugs,<BR>julie<P>------------------<BR>for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, till death do us part.<P><BR>

I thank all of you for your advise and I am trying not to make any decisions, but it is very hard. My husband says that the affair is over and that he can not live without me. He says that he is sorry and will do whatever it takes to win back my trust. I probably should be very happy about this, but I can't stand to see him without feeling ill. I do love him, but I feel so down about the whole thing.<P>------------------<BR>