Hi All,<P>Boy, Am I CONFUSED??<P>Two things I need to point out before I start. H is meeting OW (#1) in Fl on Saturday. They will be spending 9 days together (Barf!). OW (#1) filed for divorce on Monday (Great!)<P>Ok, I called H today to let him know that I would be working a little late. I told him he could pick up D at my moms. He said that would be fine, but he was hoping I would join them for dinner . I said, that would be nice, I'll be home around 6:15. See you then.<P>He shows up at 6:20, irritated as h#ll. He grabs D coat and says, let's go. She refuses. He gets impatient. I said, you are a little impatient tonight, is everything ok? He says he is tired of this struggle he has everytime he comes to get her. I try to talk D into going, telling her that mommy is going too. She still didn't want to go. <P>H heads toward the door. He says to D, "I bet you would like it if I NEVER showed up. That would make you happy, wouldn't it? (very nasty tone). I told him I thought he was being very impatient w/ her and that he shouldn't say thins like that.<P>He grabs her coat and throws it on her. She is kicking and sreaming and crying. He said, "Look, she is only 2 yo. She doesn't get to call the shots here. It is NOT OPTIONAL for her to not go with me on my visitation day". I just looked at him. I wasn't about to get into THAT one.<P>He takes her to the car, still crying and screaming. I get in the car too. We drive about 1/2 block and H says," D is NOT fit for public". I said, "Aparently neither am I",(had a little tiff about my new hair color-he didnt like it). I asked him to take us back home. He carried her to the house and left.<P>Then, I called him 1/2 hr later. He left some papers for me to sign for the divorce. I needed clafication on what I was siging. He said, " Sign them, not sign them, it doesn't matter". I said it must matter since you brought them here, and they need to be notorized. He said, "Nothing matters. Nothing at all". I told him that I knew he was feeling depressed lately, and that I wanted to help him. He said he didn't want my help, that he realized that I have been very nice to him (and he likes that), but that he is on his ship alone and that it's going down fast.<P>I asked him again what he would like. He said he wanted to be happy. I, mistakenly, told him that happiness comes from inside, that you control it, not anyone else. He accused my of lecturing him.<P>I told him that I was sorry he saw it that way, I was only trying to help. He told me that he didn't want to be friends; to leave him alone. I told him that if being a friend to him right now, meant leaving him alone, I would.<P>He said that he WAS NOT coming to visit on Friday as planned. That he MAY NOT come again. He was tired of a 2 yo treating him the way she does. I asked if he was serious. He said YES. That she wouldn't give a s@@@ if he came to see her or not. That maybe it would be better to just DISAPPEAR. I didn't knwo what to say. He is SO depressed and now he wants both of us to go away.<P>I told him to have a nice time in Fl, to try and relax. He hung up on me.<P>So, what the heck happened here? Everything was going so well. Now, he doesn't want any part of me. I will NEVER understand this.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl<p>[This message has been edited by ceecee (edited January 05, 2000).]

Hi Cheryl, long time no talk to!<P>Hey, don't worry 'bout it. He's going through his own little hell. I'm sure he didn't mean it when he said he didn't want to be friends with you. Obviously he's completely confused about everything. Maybe he's feeling a little of the pressure of going away with OW to FL, but still having some kind of feelings for you. He's torn, maybe, and trying to make you the bad guy again. Also, it's pretty typical for a guy to say they don't want any help (when really, it's quite the opposite!!).<P>All I can say is, good for you that you didn't let him push your buttons... or maybe your buttons aren't there to push anymore. Yay! You're such a different person than when you first came on the board (I know I've told you that before, but I'm really quite proud of you!).<P>--andy

ceecee<BR>You didn't do anything. D didn't do anything.<BR>From my unprofessional (but extensive) experience with moods...I believe your H is a little bit unhappy with himself and is projecting it on the two of you.<BR>He doesn't want you to go away. He wants D to want him. But how can she? She's only a little girl and doesn't get it. Doesn't feel safe without mom. Jeez my son was 13 before he felt safe without mom (Dad was such a grouch). he didn't have any interest in going anywhere alone with Dad.<BR>Rambling Sorry!<BR>What's with the hair color?<BR>Do you like it? That's what count's you know. What color did you do it?<BR>I'm still considering bimbo blonde myself!

Cheryl,<P>Here's an anicdote that was told to me.<P>Imagine walking hand in hand w/H, and you notice his shoe lace is untied.<P>Don't reach down and tie it, don't even say anything about it.<P>Wait until he trips and falls, then offer to help him up.<P><BR>Point being when a person is heading for a bottom, we have to let them fall. Whem they hit we have to be in a position to <B>offer</B> help and they will accept it.<P>This is how I was told to look at my W by Steve H.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Andy,<P>Well, I guess you can ignore the e-mail I just sent you (it's the same thing!!!!)<P>I'm not sure if my buttons are there or not to push, but he certainly doesn't get to me like he did before.<P>I hope he IS confused. I hope he has an absolutely ROTTEN time down there. I thinking maybe be plauged w/ 9 consectutive days of the RUNS!!!LOL.<P>Thanks for saying that I've changed. You can tell me that as many times as you like. I love to hear it.<P><BR>WS-<P>Ramble away, honey. I think you are right that he is VERY unhappy w/ himself. He has been fighting depression for so long, but won't do anything about it. I guess I just need to sit tight and see what happens.<BR>Hair color?? Does "Howdy Doody" ring any bells?????(Ok, it's NOT that bad, but it is RED and I used to be dark blonde) He hated it.<P>Bimbo blonde- I LOVE IT!! Go for it!!!<P>Thanks you guys.<P>Cheryl

Bill,<P>Thank you. That is a wonderful saying. It is so hard for me to keep my mouth shut sometimes (even tho I am improving).<P>It's to bad this isn't as simple as a shoelace. It would be a whole lot easier.<P>How are you today?<P>Cheryl

Cheryl, I never got your email. I did receive the one you sent earlier tonite, but didn't notice it 'til I checked for the second one... sorry 'bout that. Hey, I'll try to send you a better response tomorrow at work.<P>see ya,<BR>--andy

Ceecee & WS<BR>I went blonde last spring (from auburn) and, although I don't know if blondes actually have more fun, they do turn more heads... And at nearly 40 I got carded for buying liquor 3 times in December. (Wich tells you I'm buying wine way too often, but in my defense I'm no longer buying the big bottles )<BR>Lor

Ceecee, sorry no advice on the H, I've got one nearly like him, just not as verbal. There's something about depression that makes people unable to process that there are OTHER people with feelings and some of them are small children who just react to the tension and are not rejecting.

Cheryl,<P>Thank you for this post... <P>I admire how calm you were while H's world is crashing around him...<P>This post is one I will save so that when my divorce comes rolling along... I too can be strong... brave... and calm... <P>It'll help me at tomorrow's session in court too! <P>Jim

Ceecee,<P>I know this postmay be a little late but I hope it will help.<P>I went through the EXACT same thing... I didn't understand it much them either but I do now.<P>He is very confused and chances are the OW is pressureing him and now he may be starting to see reality. Pressure is something that they can not handle right now.<P>Him getting upset at you telling him to have a nice time in Florida... could indicate a couple of things. <P>My guess would be things are not great on the other side and there was more than likely something that happened on that end and you and your daughter caught it. The old saying about taking it out on the ones you love is so very true.<P>Also, he may not have wanted to thank about it and was probally confused even more by you telling to have a good time.<P>Try to be patient yourself... don't offer advice, don't make statements and just listen and try to let him vent if he needs to.<P>I would not let him upset your daughter like that though. I'm sure he is feeling awful about it and he may not show up tomorrow because of that very reason.<P>If anything is said again... just tell him that you both would miss him terribly if he disappeared and that you dont want to hear him talk like that. That it bothers you to see him so upset and that if he ever wants to talk that you will be glad to lend an ear.<P>Don't sign any papers, I dont think you should push it. He does't seem at all positive about it himself.<P>Try to hang in there... its hard very hard but it does get better. It only takes more time.<P>Genie

Just a thought, of course - this is nothing but speculation, but maybe fun to do....<P>Maybe the OW is thinking that this little tryst of an affair is more than your husband thinks it is..... Ooooh yeah, I love it. He's just escaping reality into fantasy, and she thinks it is way more!!! Oh yeah, I can run with this one, I'm sure Dazed can too.<P>So, she announces to her husband she is leaving, and wants a divorce, and excitedly contacts your husband - and he doesn't know what to say...... Because on one hand he is realizing that his best friend in the whole world is also his STBX..... and he isn't interested in anymore than the fantasy this relationship "was"....<P>and, now he is stuck with G U I L T, and we know how he behaves with GUILT!!!!! YES!<P>CC: regardless of what the story is that we don't know, just think about your behaviors, and realize that you have grown, it shows, it makes a difference, and you are seeing the effects of your marvelous plan A. And you can expect to grow more, and be more satisfied, as your husband is plummeting down the drain with his fantasies.<P>hang in there, friend.<BR>tnt