She just told me that OM took advantage of her when she let him use her cell phone. He ran it up to over $500 and doesn't want to pay her back. She also let me know that they have slept with each other moer than one time. She wouldn't give me the details.<P>Part of me wants to have him eliminated because I also lent him money which he has not paid back. <P>She now realizes that he is the boy that I told her he was. Not only that he is the biggest loser of all time. She now understands why I called him a boy.<P>I am hoping this will allow her to see that God brought me into her life to pick up the pieces. I hurt all over. Anger is running rampant in my head towards him because he has used her and moved on to someone else which adds insult toinjury for both of us.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P><BR>

Rob,<P>I know you are feeling rage, right now. You need to let God have those feelings and turn them into forgiven. It's hard, but I know you can do this.<P>On a positive note, she now understands. She is starting to see the light. <P>I pray that God does show her the way back to you and to Him and heal your marriage and family.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

hi professorg,<BR>THis is really a rough night for you. I am so sorry ((((hugs)))).<BR>YOu told her and she would not listen to you. Sounds like what we all experience from time to time with spouses that are stubborn, mentally ill, and have regressed to the teen years again. <BR>Some people just have to feel it, see it for themselves. There is nothing you can do about it. <BR>It really is a crummy place to be. But, for a few hundred dollars, you have seen the creep for what he is. A lesson for life. <BR>(((hugs)))

This may be a turning point, a blessing in disguise.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Hi Rob,<P>You have every reason to be angry... <P>I am so sorry for your pain, and just wanted you to know that I read this and that I care.<P>Remember, you're one of the good guys!<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Rob,<P>I don't know what to say so..................<P><BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Rob}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Just know we care, vent to your hearts content.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Rob</B>}}}}}}}}}},<P>I've been there...<BR>$500.00+ phone bill<BR>$300.00+ ISP bill<BR>and on and on...<P>There is no end to the stupid things our W's let themselves in for.<P>I'm just glad your W is starting to see the truth. <P>My W continues to be poisoned... <P>Praying for you... <P>Jim

THis sounds all to familiar to me! Bot I remember when i was in that boat. Having an affair with a complete and total loser. <P>Hugs to ya Rob!<P>On a positive note: THIS IS GREAT!!!<BR>This is when I started seeing the light and I wanted my h back. It may take a little more time. However, she will back and wanting her family. I know this all to well!<P>God Bless!!!!<BR>We are here to listen!<BR>Renee'

Rob,<BR><BR>I'm with FHL. This very well could be a blessing in disguise, one of those Andy Grove "inflection points" in her life. She's going to have to judge the boy against the yardstick of reality, and the boy isn't going to look good.<BR><BR><BR>Bystander

Rob,<P>Forgive me, but I look at your post and see an opportunity, and lots of good. No bad.<P>1. OM is showing true colors, fantasy fades.<P>2. You have an opportunity to demonstrate to your wife that love is more important than money.<P>Take this opportunity and make it a "win-win" situation.

Rob - now's the time. All your faith, all your strength. Now's the time.<P>She's having the predictable "revelation". Your anger is understandable. But don't let it get in the way of your objectives.<P>You'll be ok. I just know you will.<P>Hugs and prayers for you.<P>Lori

professorg, I agree with the others. When I read your post, it seemed you are at the point of a breakthrough with your w. I know it's easier said than done, but forget the guy, leave him to God's justice. You said it adds insult to injury that he's moved on? THAT sounds like the best part. Sounds like he's gone.

Rob - Congrats on getting your wife back from the OM. I hope she's learned not only what a loser HE is, but to know better than to try and get her needs met through an affair. Sounds like the two of you now really need to focus on the issues of your marriage through some kind of couples counseling to ensure that this kind of thing doesn't happen again.<P>As to your anger towards the OM, I think it's perfectly justified. Forgiveness is all well and good if the offender apologizes and asks for it. But if not.... Well, I think you'd be justified in getting a little payback. I mean this guy USED your wife and then threw her away. You don't want to do anythng violent (such as "elminating" him!) that might land you in jail. But there are some things you could do. For one thing, if he's having an affair with someone else now, you could find out who she is, and if she's married, tell her H about this guy and let him handle the whole mess. You might also want to consider suing the guy for what he owes you, not so much to recover the amount as to give him some kind of wake-up call. You might even look to see if he's done anything that he could be arrested for and, if so, call the cops on him. Be creative!<P>Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

She is starting to see the light!!<P>Hallelujah!!<P>I pray that she continues to see the folly in her ways.<P>Don't give up hope...this is your chance to come through with the love. I see this as a great revelation for her and a great opportunity for you. Try to subdue the anger to focus on the task at hand.<P>God be with you, professorg<P>Peter<P>------------------<BR>"Love isn't someplace that we fall, it's something that we do"--Clint Black<BR>

Thanks, Everyone.<P>I got the suggestion to sue him for what he owes us also. I am trying to capitalize on the opportunity. However, I still have to overcome the negative image she has of me. I have been trying to be low key in terms of my aproach while being supportive.<P>A part of me really got excited when I heard it but I was afraid at the same time because I don't do facades around our acquaintances. I have seen what it has done to her and just can't do it.<P>THANK YOU ALL. Even our pastor called him a loser today.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited January 06, 2000).]

The others are right. This is a blessing in disguise. The OM LB'd big time. Reality set in and now your W sees OM for what he really is. Best wishes picking up the pieces. You will survive this!

Rob<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I got the suggestion to sue him for what he owes us also. I am trying to capitalize on the opportunity. However, I still have to overcome the negative image she has of me. I have been trying to be low key in terms of my aproach while being supportive.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'll use my MB experiences and analytical skills to dissect this for you.<P>You need to forget the "I" stuff here. You major goal is at the end:<P>Being Supportive<P>That's it. In a crisis, if you are supportive, you will build your wife's love for you. Anything else is irrelavant in comparison. Focus on being supportive.<P>"Capitalizing on the opportunity" = Revenge. Hmmmm, do you think you taking revenge on the OM would help your wife's love for you??? Probably not.<P>Your "low key" approach should be to ask your wife how she feels about it, and if she wants to take any action. Use the Policy of Joint Agreement (sort of)---the one-sided version of this states that:<P>You should never benefit at your wife's expense.<P>So whatever action you take, make sure that your wife is in complete agreement. And to be safe at this point, a "whatever you think, dear" approach will probably be the best; UNLESS that is part of your wife's negative image of you (that you don't participate in problem solving).

Professorg,<P>I can imagine the hostility you feel! <P>But, I do think this is an opportunity - an opportunity to try and employ the policy of joint agreement, and no lovebusters. <P>I guess that is how we have to look at some things, as opportunities.<P>And we, as Christians, can also look for the silver linings - because they are promised to us, ya know.<P>God Bless you, Rob. <BR>tnt

<B>K</B>,<BR>When I was referrring to capitalizing on the opportunity, I was actually referring to the fact that she was angry at OM and utilizing the oportunity to make things better between us. On Friday night we saw the Green Mile as a family. The boys and I enjoyed it. I can only assume that she enjoyed it as well. <P>Before going into the movie we discussed my calling to verify with her coworkers what she told me that she had told them. One of them decided they would tell her that I called after I aske hernot to tell W. Oh well, live and learn. Her story checked out. However, I am not convinced that she has told them the entire truth. I am beginning to truly believe she is suffering from a mental disorder. She is showing signs that scare me.<P>I am being as supportive as I can given how sad I feel mixed in with anger and mostly understanding. God keeps correcting me everytime that I get angry and want to leave either through scripture that I read or through a sermon on the radio.<P>I don't seek to benefit from her expense. I want what is best for her and the boys even if it means that I have to slightly uncomfortable as long as God is telling me it is okay. He doesn't want me to go. I think He is telling me to try and get somewhere in the middle of the support that I have always given and the unrealistic support that she has fixated in her mind that she was to give to me and the boys. She said she has given her all last night and that she is tired. Statements such as that cause me to think this whole ordeal has been her midlife crisis which is rather early ffrom what little I know about midlife crises.<P><B>Connie</B>,<BR>Thanks. I know that I have to be sure to keep His perspective on what is an opportunity. He is the reason that I haven't gone especially since I have been going through my moments of wanting to leave. I keep breaking down in front of the boys because they are being so understanding and not wanting to see me cry. It just hurts so bad to experience the hostility while seeing her be in such great pain.<P>I talked with my oldest sister last night and she said that she prays that His will will be done. I told her thank you because, besides you all here, she and my mother are the only ones who understand how I feel about this. My mother is having a hard time with me hurting as much as I do but she understands because she has dealt with my F who I suspect has been unfaithful for about 35 of 37 years of marriage. I am not sure if she has known the entire time as I have known with my W.<P>My W did say that I would change for a little while then revert back to my old ways. I know that I will on some things but I am taking a different approach this time. I am gonig to make notes for myself to review regularly or rather I have already begun to collect such notes to keep in the front of me to have the feedback that I know Iexpect to never get from her to keep me on track.<P>I plan on being here for her as long as He wants me to.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by professorg (edited January 09, 2000).]

Rob,<P>Others have pointed out all the positives here, but I want to focus on one I didn't see too much written about above:<P>She is FINALLY being HONEST to you. YIKES, it hurts that she has been with the OM more than once. But, she is starting to trust you again...and, you must be making it "safe" for her to be honest, so there is TREMENDOUS progress here, when you add that to the OM's shenanigans!!!! <P>Keep the faith, Rob...God is giving you the tools you need to help both her and yourself!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>