Hello.<P>I shouldn't even be posting I suppose. I am just having a sad evening. I spent the evening with my husband drinking a bottle of wine. I suppose that makes me an enabler. I should not drink. It just makes me sad lately. I told him in my drunken state that I thought I was all the woman he ever needed. He used to say that. But, apparently, he needed more than I could give him. He says he is being faithful to me now but he still has feelings for the ow. That makes me feel so awful. Of course he still has to work with her. That is the worst kick in the face. At least she is 11 years older than me and hopefully a wrinkled up prune! I guess she has a tatoo even. Something my husband was always opposed to me getting. Not that I really ever wanted one anyway. Just one of those things I was curious about. She smokes too. He always told me if I ever took up smoking, he would leave me. Ironic, isn't it??? He totally went against everything he believed in so he could be with this tramp. I am too sweet and innocent but I am not a prude! I know that! I know I shouldn't be putting this here tonight! I am just so down! I can't stand this. He used to be so good to me and wouldn't have hurt me for the world. He used to treat me like a princess. I told him I am staying because he was always so good to me and that I believe with all my heart that he will be as good to me as he used to be. Yet, at the same time, I am dying inside! I know he is still tempted by the ow. He said so tonight. What he would really like is to be able to have us both. I told him that goes against my principles. I just want it to be like it used to be. He used to adore me for all that I was. He used to say he didn't know what he would do without me. How incredibly heartbreaking for me. Even with me by his side he found it in his heart to take another woman besides me. How could he do that to me? How could he do that to our boys? I remember last year there was a horrible snow storm. He was the one who convinced the shift supervisor that they should be able to come home early. He has to drive 20 minutes to get home. He knew at that time that home with his family was where he needed to be. He knew he needed to be home with his family. Not out driving in some senseless snow storm worrying about whether he was going to end up in a ditch or not. He loved us, he loves us still. He is just now so confused. I told him if I met the ow, I would probably become the best of friends with her. That is how I am. I love all people regardless of there idiosyncrasies. I even told him that maybe I should move in with her. I am sorry, I am drunk. Tomorrow, I will look at this and think, "what a fool am I?". Please don't think me foolish. I have had 11 wonderful years with this man. He is the only man I have ever been with in the most intimate way. I have been with other guys. I have only had sex with my husband. I always felt that there should only be one. He was always my one and only. He is the only one I have ever been with sexually. We had so much together in that way. I do love him so much! Well, I just shared this with my husband and I never should have. I must go now. <P>~Woozy

Woozy,<BR>Being that I am a betrayer I can speak on the otehr side of the fence. Affairs are wrong. We all know that. I can relalte to what your are saying. My H was telling me the same things you are saying. H said " I used to be your growly bear." "I used to be your one and only" "Your world revolved around me" This is just a few exzmples. I still feel the same way about him. However, while I was babying him. I didnt get what I needed in return. My affair just happened before I knew it. My OM was also married. He has the same complaint as I did. NO ATTENTION! It seemed like it had just died. <BR>H fed off of me for so long. I think he forgot that I had to feed as well. I know this is very hard for you right now! I could not imagine it! However, I know your H position. Reality never sat in to my H that I was lonely. He could never understand that. As for as the feelings for the OW. What they say is so true! He is just in a fantasy land right now witht the OW. I could not imagine trying to get over my OM while i worked with him. Is is feasable for him to get another job? I mean that is just unbearable to me. Im in withdrawl right now and I havent been within 60 miles of OM, and it is driving me crazy. That may be another discussion. <BR>Just a few suggestions that I wanted to throw in!<BR>God Bless!<BR>Renee'

Woozy,<BR> Never feel foolish for sharing on this board, if you knew just half of the skitzo things I posted here when I first came to this board, you would think I'm nuts.<P>It is hard for us to understand how they can say I love you and still cheat.<P>Heck my Bozo used to call me after he had been with ow during his lunch breaks and tell me he loved me.<P>Things can't be what they were, but they can be as good , they can even be better.But not the same. You don't want the same, remember when things were that way is when he cheated.<P>How long ago did you find out ?<P>I found out in Sept. of 98 about the latest (last I hope) affair. It takes time, and work and I'm sorry to say a lot of the work will be up to you.<P>Have you two done the MB needs questionair yet ? It helped when my h and I did it.<P>Try to rest tonight.<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Just a quick note...<P>I feel I have always been very attentive to my husbands needs. I have always told him how handsome he is and that I am so lucky to have him. I have always hugged him many times on a daily basis. Of course I have children who need my attention too. It is true that I did tend to get to the point where all I wanted was time to myself. I rarely ever get that.<P>I just found out December 3, 1999. So, it has been a little over a month. I feel bad as I did let my husband read this post. After he read it, he went upstairs and started reading the book again. (Surviving an Affair) He didn't get too much read as he fell asleep. I guess, I feel like what I did last night was a love buster. It is just so hard though. Those feelings just came over me and I couldn't quit crying! I don't think my husband fully understood how much pain and turmoil I am in until last night. He at least has been honest with me by telling me that he still has feelings for the ow and that he is still tempted by her. I should just be happy he didn't move out, right? He still wants to be with me. So, we have today off together and the kids have to go to school. So, I think I will try and leave her out of it and just have fun with MY man!<P>Thanks for the advice!<P>~Woozy

Woozy,<P>You my dear are a very amazing woman, one month after discovery I was still rocking back and forth and crying almost 24-7.<P>Maybe it was a love buster, but you, he needs to know how you really feel, he may not like it, but you two must learn to be honest with each other. Even when it hurts.<P>This board helped save my sanity more than once. Let the people here help you. <P>We all have days when we have to let it out or go nuts. <P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Thank you for the advice! My boss told me I am a saint yesterday. I guess I wouldn't go that far! It made me feel good though to hear that. <P>My husband and I had an interesting day. I guess he felt the need to talk about it. I was actually going to try and not talk about it. We talked quite a bit and just drove around in our car. That is what we always used to do for entertainment. <P>We have been very honest I guess in our discussions. Painfully so. I guess I just want to get it all out now so that there won't be any surprises in the future. I don't know about the whole mess. I guess we will take it one day at a time. At least my husband now knows how much he hurt me. I hope that is enough to keep him from hurting me anymore. We shall see! <P>Well, we are going shopping, so I will end this. Thanks again for the kind words and support! <P>~Woozy

Woozy -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>We have been very honest I guess in our discussions<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>I cannot stress how important this is. You followed that with "painfully so". You should realize how much more painful it would be if you were getting lies and evasions and you knew it. Even with that bad things that have happened, the fact that the two of you can speak honestly with each other is a big PLUS!!<P>This won't be easy, but the possible reward is magnificent. You seem very strong, but even the strongest have to let go once in a while and this is the best place in the world to do it.<P>As long as it's done in a non-threatening and honest way, I don't believe that letting your husband know how you feel is a lovebuster. He could question your feelings and if he never asked, he might assume wrongly. You let him know and he takes it from there.<P>Good luck and hugs to you....<P>--DeWayne--

Thanks De Wayne for the advice! I guess I had let my husband know he hurt me in the worst way possible but I hadn't really broke down and cried in front of him. Heck, I have hardly cried at all. I don't understand why I can't cry. <P>I think my husband definitely has some screwed up priorities right now. He swears to me that he and the ow aren't going to be together again but it really is hard when he works with her. I don't feel like he has gone out of his way to avoid talking to her either. That really upsets me. He at least tells me that he talks to her but that hurts me. I don't want to tell him not to talk to her for this reason. If I tell him that he shouldn't talk to her, then he will still talk to her and he won't tell me about it. Then, that would be more covering up. I don't want that. <P>Unfortunately, we are in a position where he can't afford to quit his job. He makes good wages and he can work all the overtime he wants. We are in a very big financial mess right now also. I have gone and gotten a second job for the evenings. It will add about 18 hours to my work week. I will be working a total of 45 hours a week. My husband usually puts in 60 hours a week. So, it is time I took an active part in trying to get our bills taken care of. We are planning on moving at the beginning of this summer, just to get him out of where he works. He is also planning to start going back to college. Of course, that makes me very uneasy also. I truly don't know where we are headed. I am very scared about everything. Yes, I have shared that with my husband too. He knows I am scared. He told me yesterday that he couldn't believe I didn't throw him out. He says he feels lucky for that and well he should. But, he then said he had this fear that I was planning some sort of payback. Well, I am not. That is not how I operate. I then told him that I was afraid he was going to pull something on me. I asked him if he was going to treat me good and then all of a sudden pull the rug out from under me. He said he is not. Well, I do hope he is sincere about that.<P>The worst part is that I have gone to two counseling sessions and my husband will not go. He had to go to counseling when his parents divorced when he was 16 and he had a terrible experience. He has told me from the beginning that he would never go to a counselor. Well, we never had a need for that until now. True to his word, he refuses to go. So, I have bought books and I have a lot of reading to do. He is doing some reading also. Plus, we are talking a lot. I have told him that I don't trust him when it comes to this woman. He understands that. I hate it because I feel like I am going to be watching him like a hawk. I don't want to do that. I don't want to drive myself crazy that way! I want to remind him everyday to remember to stay faithful to me. I guess I feel ok when I am with him. It is when he is gone at work that I feel torn apart inside. When I take this second job, he will be home watching the kids so I don't have to worry too much about what he is doing. I do trust him with the kids. <P>He also started reading a positive thinking book out loud to the boys last night. I had said I was going to start reading it to them this weekend. We went shopping last night and on the way home he said he had to start reading that book to them. I didn't argue. I think he could use some insight from a book like that. It is a book he got when he went to college the first time. He really got a lot out of the book and made me read it at the time. So, I am glad to see he is taking that step with the kids. I just hope he sticks with it. <P>Well, this has gotten long. I am good at writing books. I just can't wait for this horrible, sinking feeling to go away! I hate it. Unfortunately, it won't go away until my husband isn't around the ow on a near daily basis. At least they don't work the same days anymore and they don't have days off together anymore! BUT, when either of them works overtime they are together. YUCK!!! I could puke just thinking about it!<P>~Woozy