Hello all. First time posting, just found this site and grateful I did! My husband had an affair a year ago, and we were over it until just recently. Let me explain, giving a little background..:<P>He had a several month affair with a woman that worked with him overseas (we live in the States, he worked in the UK for awhile).<P>According to him, she wanted this relationship to progress further, and he realized his mistake quickly (oh yeah, I'm very leary of believing what he says, until it's backed up, I am cautiously optomistic).<P>Now from what my husband says, he realized this was a mistake from the get-go and ended it quickly. I press for details, and he says one time together and seeing her other times without any intimacy. This hurts like hell, I cannot even believe this sometimes. Here I am, this guy I married is so incredible, so REAL I thought all along. He is honest, not at all someone who tries to be something he isn't, and so good looking and sweet! He's a dream, and I married him knowing he could never do this, because I KNEW HIM! But apparently I didn't. <P>He still has to work overseas, this hasn't changed. I do not trust him anymore. I used to be very laid back and never even thought about him doing anything like this, and now I'm mistrusting every thing he does. <P>To be honest when reading here, I cannot believe what the cheating spouses put the betrayed through, and how the betrayed can put up with it. I guess that won't go over well, but I feel so horrible for what the betrayed are putting up with! It's like sending a message to the betrayer that it's okay to cheat. That they will get rewarded for it. I understand that the problems that contributed to the affair were not just the betrayer, but I can say that I will NOT be made to feel that this was my fault, especially since I have been the MAJOR giver in this marriage. I'm not looking at pointing fingers at any guilty party, but as I see it depression is used too quickly as an excuse. I was diagnosed with this years ago, and I still knew what I was doing and had responsibility for my own actions.<P>I see this being used too readily to excuse the betrayers' behavior all of the time, and I don't think it's realistic. I am not bitter, but I just want some truthful answers here. I guess I'm through with my venting. Sorry for coming across as so negative, but really had to get this off of my chest.

I am definately a co-dependent. Haven't been told that by anyone, just realized it on my own. I know it's hard to believe what we (the board) have gone thru. I myself have been with my H since i was 16. We got married when I was 20. I went from my parents home to "our" home. I never had alot of self-confidence growing up and marrying an abusive alcoholic didn't help either. If you read myprofile and postings you'll learn more about me. <BR>I love my husband and children more than anything. Maybe to you it's not healthy, but that's just how I am. I want my marriage back. I am willing to forgive him and try to trust him again. Of course he's only been gone for 12 days. To me that seems like forever. <BR>It's not that I depend on him for everything. I just want to spend the rest of my life with him. <BR>I did give up friends for him and things went his way, but that made me happy. And right now I'd love to have him back. But I did have a life of my own. I was the one responsible for paying bills, and I got to stay at home an take care of my children. That was what I wanted. He never told me that I couldn't do things but I chose not to. Just to be near him. Yeah, I guess it does sound sick when you think about it, but I was happier then than I am now.

hi and welcome,<BR>I feel for you. The time after discovery is so hard, and having a spouse overseas does not help. Mine is gone now too, so I can understand. <BR>I am sorry, but I am really tired tonight-need sleep, but will write tomorrow. <BR>(((hugs)))

Hi, Mitzi.<P>You and I have lots in common. And I really didn't mean to come across in the way that I probably did (lots of frustration).<P>I married my husband young (21) and went from living with my parents to living with my husband. I wanted it that way. I had a career, but gave it up to be a full time mom, and loved it. My husband was on the road most of the time, but being able to stay at home and not having to send my kids to daycare was a luxury to me. <P>I would NEVER fault anyone for wanting their marriage, I'm there too!! But I guess I see where my husband was when he was traveling more extensively, and not being so much of a father or husband. He has cut back on traveling, and even looking for another job (his choice). But I still have problems dealing with what we've gone through. Especially when he leaves town, it's really rough.<P>Mitzi, you are doing so much to save your marriage, and I can only have respect for that! You are in the early stages. My venting I would imagine needs to be limited. But take care, my prayers are most definitely with you.<BR>

Hi, CL.<P>Thanks so much for the response, and I'm sorry you have to have the traveling spouse like me, it's not fun at all, is it?<P>Husband is in transition mode, yet I'm not exactly sure if it's to placate or for real, if you know what I mean. Hugs to you, and thanks again for making me feel not so alone.

No your venting doesn't need to be limited. That's what this place is for. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found MB. I just wish I had found it about 6 months ago. <BR>No one here judges anyone else. That's what is so great about it. I can't tell some of my friends and family the things that I tell my new friends here. There is just so much understanding and support. <BR>This place is for anyone who wants to make their marriage work or put it back together. Don't worry about offending anyone. We all try to be open-minded. <BR>Yeah, I'm trying hard. But I've also "given up" several times in the past 12 days. But after venting here, I pick myself up and start over. It's really hard to admit that I contributed to the separation. But after thinking about it long and hard, I realize that I did. In trying to force my H to quit drinking and stay home more, I pushed him away. But now my job is to bring him back and I'm willing to do whatever it takes. <BR>I didn't get offended or upset about anything you said. Sometimes I can't understand why I don't just give up. <BR>If you are having some problems with your marriage, stick around!! Instead of venting to your H, vent here. It really does help!!<BR>Take care,<BR>Mitzi

Isys, I'm sorry you had and are having such a rough time.<BR>just for the record we don't blame ourselves for our spouse's affairs or think it's our fault. Nothing that we could have done could justify an affair.<BR>What we look at however is the small things that might have contributed in some way for us to grow apart,or weakened our marriage, and then fix them if possible.Many of us have been married for a long time and had no problems prior to this, our marriages are worth giving our spouses this chance.<BR>If you don't work on the things that were weak before the affair it becomes more difficult to really get positive results, if we don't solve the problem it will come back.<BR>It is also possible to trust our spouse's again after everything else is cleared, and if you stay with us maybe you can gain different perspectives from such different situations<BR>Your situation is quite difficult because he works overseas, but not impossible to work out.<BR>I hope you stick around and find for yourself the difference before being weak and believing in our marriage.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat

HI isys,<BR>Is your h still working with the OW overseas? She is a permanent resident of the UK? I am not real clear about the situation.<BR>Very tough thing to deal with. You are not there to meet his needs, so that part of the Harley theory is out the window. <BR>There are a few of us here that deal with this issue. PW, Patience, and I cannot remember who else (fried brain-rough week-please forgive me)<BR>At least you found out now, with the first affair. I know it is hard to see that there is a good point, but there it is!!!<BR>And his guilt and remorse are good signs! Can he change careers, jobs, or can you go with him? If your child is not in school, it may be possible to go with him. Something to look at. I would explore all and any possiblities that would keep the family together. Having an h that is gone is truly hell on a marriage. Not only is he alone, but so are YOU!!! <BR>Ahhh, the co-dependence.....well, I have to agree with you that some of the things I read here do portray that behavior. But I guess I would draw the line depending on if it is short term or long term. If one has to be the giver in plan a, waiting for the spouse to wake-up, get a grip, then I think co-dependent bahvior has its place. But that does not mean to allow the spouse to walk on you, abuse you, or use you. There certainly is a limit.Some people have a great deal of patience with this, while I have little. <BR>Some of us with absentee h's talk via e-mail too. My address is cheryl_fnp@hotmail.com