Hello to all my MB friends! It's been awhile. Thought I'd drop in and say hi and Happy New Year! It was exactly one year ago today that my world came crashing down around me. <P>I'm moving on with my life in the year 2000, and feeling pretty good about it. Divorce is moving forward. Although I love and miss the man my husband once was, I have no desire to be married to the jerk he has become. I took the kids back east for Christmas, including visiting his family and mine. He took the OW to a ski resort for Christmas. I've come to accept the saying I first heard on this board -- "I can tell whenever my husband is lying to me because his lips are moving". <P>Since I can't stop his affair or the divorce, I just want to get it over with and move on with my life. I actually went on a date a few weeks ago with someone from work, and I'm hoping it will lead to more. But don't worry, friends, I won't let it become anything serious until the divorce is final. I've just got to get out of the house more!!! <P>I have mixed feelings about the whole MB thing. Sometimes I feel good about the fact that I gave it my best shot to save my marriage. Sometimes I feel like it was hopeless from the start and MB just kept me hanging on and feeling responsible for something I really had no control over. <P>I feel like I'm seeing the sunlight for the first time after being buried in a pit of despair for the past year. I'm enjoying my friends, church, work and especially my kids more than I have in a long time. Friends tell me they can see a change in my whole bearing, attitude, posture, facial expression, and so forth that tells them I'm alive again. <P>I still lurk from time to time, and send my very best hopes and prayers to all of you, whatever stage of this nightmare you are in. <P>All my best,<BR>Annie

I was thinking about you, wondering how it was going. Didn't know our discovery dates were so close. Mine is Saturday.<P>I am confident all of your efforts will be blessed.<P>My big lesson of 1999 is that ultimately I can not control the actions of anyone other than myself. Pretty obvious, but elusive at the same time.<P>I have come to the conclusion that I can trust, but I can not guarantee that my H is trustworthy. I believe he is and I will live like he is, but I am only responsible for my input. The outcome is out of my control.<P>Maybe that's how you can frame your efforts. It is not that they were in vain. You did what you could do. It was not in your hands to determine the outcome. If we are accountable for our efforts, and I believe we are, then you were a success.<P>I marveled at you much of this year. Certainly what you have learned about your own strength and determination will carry with you the rest of your life and into your next relationship.<P>I pray that you will be blessed some day with a man who loves you and is faithful to you the rest of your life and who can be a inspiration to your children.<P>All the best!<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Annie,<BR>Your words were said with grace, maturity and wisdom. Your family, children and friends to have you in their company.<P>You conveyed such peacefulness in your post...I consider myself lucky to have been here in your company. <P>Good Luck !<BR>-Tina

Hi,Annie,<BR> Wondered where you went.It's good to hear you're doing alright.Sometimes you wonder when someone quits posting.A woman down at work commited suicide after her H of 35 years left her for a younger woman.It's been over a year for me(time flies),and I'm doing better,but it's still hard.I try to take sabbaticals from this board from time to time,and try to not think about it.Still have bad dreams,though.I guess it just takes time,perhaps in relation to how long you were married.There's nothing wrong with you trying to save your marriage.At least in the future,you can say you did your best,and it shows your commitment and integrity.Perhaps if you ever get married again,you'll have this experience(although painful)to help guide and strengthen your next one.I feel I have learned so much through this myself,that now I feel like I was sleepwalking through a lot of my marriage.You know,taking things for granted.I guess I feel if I can pass some of what I have learn onto somebody new here that's in pain,then coming here from time to time can't be all bad.Good luck to you this year,and I wish you the best. --Murph

Hi Annie,<P>Thanks for the words of encouragement. And, I really mean that in a good way. It's nice to hear about those who have lived in the pits of hell, moved on, and are now living a happy life. I don't know which way my situation is going to go, but I beleive either way, it will turn out okay. I do know that I don't want to spend the rest of my days being miserable. And, if my H cannot resolve HIS problems that contributed to the affair, then there is no point in going on for US. Right now, he is still trying to run away from his problems. I really have my doubts as to whether he will ever be capable of dealing with them. But, after 21 years with this man, I am giving the situation some time. The vows said, "in sickness, & in health". And, right now he is very sick.

Animac, <BR>I have been here , as a lurker as long or longer than you...I remember your posts well. I often have the same feelings about MB but what I feel it did for me was allow me to leave the marriage if that is what happens with NO regrets, because I did evrything possible to save it. That to me is worth a lot. I also worked on myself, assumed my responsibility for the problems in our relationship and can now try not to bring those issues into another relationship, if one is to be. I know I have love to share with someone, I am just sad that it won't be my H, but that is his decision. <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by sue (edited January 06, 2000).]

Hi Annie,<BR>My discovery date was last year Jan. 14, but I was on "Other Topics" at this time because he'd left for the second time Dec 30.<P>You didn't get the resolution you hoped for, but you sound really good. I feel stuck in the same old quagmire and want to kick off my shoes and run...but no, I've got Plan A .<P>I'm so glad you posted I think about you often.<P><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)<P><BR>

Annie,<BR> <BR>Good to hear from you. I still read here periodically, post seldom and wondered how you were doing. I'm glad to hear you are doing good.<P>One year already. It doesn't seem possible. I remember when you first started posting. My H and I are two years this month since discovery and the end of his long term affair. In some ways it seems like yesterday and at other times it seems like a long, long time ago. <P>You know, at the time of discovery and shortly after, when I thought I couldn't make it through all this, I had a very close friend I talked to almost daily. She used to assure me that IF we decided we couldn't make this marriage work, that perhaps there was something better instore for us. She reminded me about her mother, who was divorced after 20 years of marriage to her father who was unfaithful and an alcoholic. Her mom got on with her life, for once, concentrating on herself. She eventually met her current husband (married 15 years now) and they are so happy. Her mom marvels at how wonderful life is now with the RIGHT person. My friend, who is also divorced, looks to her mom as an example that there really are good marriages out there and hope for her future too.<BR> <BR>Annie, I'm glad you are finding a new way and a new life. Wishing you the most happiness possible. Stay in touch........

Hi Ani-<BR>so good to hear from you. I know your future will be blessed with the happiness you so deserve.<P>I am still hopeful, but getting to that place where hanging on is tough. discovery was one year ago for me too and while H is back with us in the house, he still has his apt and hasn't found the strength to tell OW no contact but ended it "as friends". Hence, withdrawal really hasn't even started. That said, he is no longer seeing her and has promised to be honest about contact, but he has failed at this before. It is not really that anything unexpected is happening, it is just that my strength is flagging. I knew I was reaching the end of my tolerance and started counseling with Steve H. On the upside, H has gotten a job in another state so a move is imminent (for him anyway - I still don't trust enough to give up everything I have here and follow him).<P>I hear you on the MB ambivalence. But I like NerlyCrazy's comment - if you use MB to build the best possible you and the best possible life for yourself it can't go wrong. I too feel I am giving all I can to the marriage and will have no regrets about my role if it ultimately doesn't work out.<P>Happy 2000 Ani! <P>Starpony<P>

Annie:<P>It's great to read your update and I'm so happy you're doing well. You certainly deserve happiness in your life. It really disappoints me, but does not surprise me, that your husband is still hooked up with the OW. It explains alot. I certainly see why you say you don't like what he's become.<P>Regarding the Harley methods, I think you can only judge whether they "worked" in hindsight. Certainly, they often fail to reconcile the couple. But you have to go through the process first to see whether they will work for you. I don't know of any way to know the answer before you invest the effort. Of course if you knew the outcome first, you could get on with the grieving process earlier and recover sooner. But how can you know?<P>The real question for me is whether there are other approaches that might yield better results. I've done an awful lot of reading and studying and I'm not convinced there are. I think your point is right on the money - sometimes there is nothing the betrayed can do to save the marriage. When the betrayer is involved in an affair, only he can choose to stop.<P>You give me hope that there's light at the end of this tunnel. That's worth a fortune by itself. Best of luck with this new beginning.

Thanks for all your replies! So good to hear from all of you. I'm at work now, so I'll respond more tonight.<BR>-Annie

Annie,<P>It's good hearing from you, and seeing you doing well. And although I understand your mixed feelings about the MB stuff, from where I sit it looks like another unqualified success, because:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>It was exactly one year ago today that my world came crashing down around me... [but now] I feel like I'm seeing the sunlight for the first time after being buried in a pit of despair for the past year. I'm enjoying my friends, church, work and especially my kids more than I have in a long time. Friends tell me they can see a change in my whole bearing,<BR>attitude, posture, facial expression, and so forth that tells them I'm alive again. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm not sure that you would have made it through this so well without going through the process.<P>So, I do say that you're a success, and that you will continue to be successful throughout your future. God Bless!!!<p>[This message has been edited by K (edited January 06, 2000).]

Annie,<P>Good to hear you are doing so well. I will be in your same shoes in a few weeks(Feb 1).<P>Nellie1 sure could use some encouragement as she is feeling that she will be alone the rest of her life. She sounds quite down.<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<P>

Hi Annie,<P>So nice to hear you're doing well. Suse and I have wondered how you've been doing. Something interesting... Teener said it best... you just seem much more at peace. It reads through even in your posts. Makes me smile just thinking about it.<P>I too feel the same way as some of the other folks that posted back to you. Your participation in MB was part of the healing process for you. True, you did your best to try to turn your marriage around. But, ultimately, your efforts truly end up being mostly for you. It was no waste of time. You can take pride in going above-and-beyond in trying to save things.<P>Again, as Tina said... I'm thankful we've shared thoughts and emotions. You're a really fine person. I'm honored to have met you.

voila! Don't want this to sink from sight.<P>

Good to hear from you. I too took a hiatus for a while. My husband has been at his affair for 4+ years (not active the whole time but contact at least) Anyhow he moved out 4 months ago. I am keeping my distance and only praying these days. I too feel a lot of ambililence. I wish sometimes I had given him an ultimatun earlier in the game. I wonder if Dobson't tough love is not sometimes better. Especially since my husband says he has lost respect for me. He loses respect for me who stuck by him during some devastating times 5 years ago and has remained loyal to him and has respect for a woman who is willing to have an affair with him. However I have gone back to school for a masters in counseling and my field work place ment is counseling in an outpatient substance abuse clinic. It is interesting and challenging but I like it. However with field work three days a week, classes 2 days a week, a teenager and a 9 year old and I am a single mom now, some days it all seems too much. I will get through this as we all will and we will be stronger. I read in one of the thousands I read that about the time the betrayed spouse is getting things together that is when the betrayer falls apart. Oh well. I pray animac that you will continue to do well. I do believe there is something to say about feeling you did all you could. You can walk away with a clear conscience. However I sometimes am appalled with the abuse I read that people are taking on this board and I wonder is it worth it. I pray for everyone that God is leading them to a more productive an worthwhile life. Thanks for checking in it is good to hear from you.