Dear Forum,<BR>I am in the situation where my husband is unwilling to give up his affair.He met a woman overseas at dinner around 8 months ago.His affair started in April and I found out in October.He admits that he loves us both and doesn't want to lose either of us.(A case of having the best of both worlds),he has admitted that it has made him miserable and that he has been unhappy since he got involved.Up till the affair we have had 12 years of happiness.<BR>He just seems so unwilling to let her go, even if he is suffering the consequences.<BR>How do I successfully implement plan A??<BR>Does it mean I continue the loving I've always provided and wait for a natural death <BR>to this affair..<BR>Should I keep on reminding him of the pain it is causing me?<BR>Nothing I can do or say will make him give her up,so what can I do while he ponders on the thought of Why can't he have it both ways?Why can't he be allowed to enjoy the love of two women?Why should he do the '"right" thing??He admits being selfish but asks why can't he be that way for once in his life??

Uh, well it can't be that way because <P># 1 - It's hurting YOU, you are a person too, what about your feelings ? <P># 2 _ I have never known two women who could share a man peacefully and happily.<P># 3 - He is married to you, not to you and her. That is called bigamy, last time I checked it was against the law.<P><BR>You can be in plan A w/o approving of his actions. You can be loving w/o saying it's ok if you see her too.<P>If you are going to do plan A get ready to do lots of tounge biting for a while.<P>Or if he just won't stop you may consider plan B a little later. <P>How can people be so cruel and so selfish ?<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

Dear Deb,<BR>Thanks so much ..I guess I am not too sure<BR>of how to navigate through this.On the one hand I am a lousy actress and it is so obvious that I am plain miserable and if I do manage to be my usual loving self i just get so frustrated inside and end up crying at night..<BR>My husband just seems so entrapped in this affair despite the fact that he knows it is destroying me.I am scared that applying pressure can only be detrimental yet how can I allow him to go to her, as he will soon, and let him go with hugs and kisses?I've told him that I feel my life is just a countdown to the day he'll say I have to go on a trip which will surely include seeing her.He answered that perhaps it would be better for him to move out to avoid hurting me further.How do I respond to that??

nabilqad--<P>IMHO, you kinda have to look at it like launching an attack in a war, but with every sweet trick up your sleeve. Your H is being very selfish right now. You'll have to woo him back w/no lovebusters and hope that OW starts lovebusting. She probably will. Fantasies like this are destined to fail.<P>Deb is right. Remaining calm and giving (at least in appearance) does not mean you are approving of his actions. You're just guiding him back to the better choice. Try to get him to share this website, work on strengthening your marriage. Keep him busy, doing enjoyable things with YOU. You will be building his lovebank. <P>And brainstorm. Listen to what he tells you, about the affair, about everything. Then implement all the things you can to balance the scales back to you, and only you. It will be hard! But you CAN do it. Right now, try to keep him at home w/you; it will be much easier to monitor what's going on and impress him with you being the better choice.<P>Hang in there.

Hi, I just had to respond to you since reading your post sounded like me about a year ago. My H refused and still is refusing to give up OW. The only way I have gotten through this long year is the support of the many friends on here and my children and of course God. I did plan A, I did Plan B, he moved out, he moved in, he moved out again. My H is now in an apartment (by himself) and has been for the past 4 months. It is not easy, it is the hardest and most painful time of my entire life but through it all I have become a stronger, more self-sufficient person. I believe with all my heart that my marriage is worth saving and can still work and that goal keeps me going. I love my H with all my heart and I know inside there somewhere is the same kind, gentle man I married. That is how I get through it. I have been in this mess now for 16 painful months but I do believe my H will be back here one day. If I didn't I would give up. The hardest part is the children. To watch them cry and ask for their Dad to come back home is torture. To watch them go off for the night to his place breaks my heart in two, but I believe WE will make it. My heart goes out to you and I know I have probably not been much help, but your post sounded so similar to my life I wanted you to know, we can get through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If anyone had told me a year ago I would still be here now, I would have said no way, but here I am and I still love my H very very much. It takes a lot of perseverence, a lot of strength and a lot of biting your tongue when you really want to say something. My H still hasn't given up OW and maybe never will, but I will know in my heart I gave everything to my marriage and I will know I am not a failure and my kids will know I am not a failure. Focus on yourself and your kids and know that, for the moment, you are the only security in their lives, and they need to see you be strong.<p>[This message has been edited by loveu (edited January 06, 2000).]