Last night W & I had a long conversation & it was good- talked about all the LB's I did for years; I abstained from reminding her of her own LB's, but did explained why some of mine occurred. We both agreed on many issues like why she seldom mentioned these things and I understood that she kept sending me signals that I could never read.<P>The main LB is regarding children... I was always afraid of having children because there are precedents of retarded people in my family, plus I used to drink often I didn’t know what kind of parent I would become. Then we had trouble getting pregnant- first it was her medical problems which we solved soon, & then were mine that required surgery -another of my phobias, so it took me 2 years before I had the surgery. We had our D & then my physical problem came back- no surgery could fix it but we kept trying.<P>The 2nd LB is sex: she says I don’t enjoy it & she too was having a hard time enjoying it; we talked about it & agreed that trying to have another child after my D was born was somewhat an obligation, like if a W had to get pregnant every time she made love, or a M had to get his W pregnant every single time too. When trying for my D was kinda fun although stressful, later it was painful. We stopped enjoying sex, we used to just go to missionary position I try to have a child until that stopped, too.<P>The 3rd LB is the “mañana syndrome” (to postpone things) & has to do with many issues in our life but also children... adoption; I kept putting it off because of yet another phobia (I didn’t know I have so many until last night): she wanted a child from this area, I was afraid that eventually the natural parents would come along and want the child back (adoption laws here were until very recently –6 months- all in favor of natural parents).<P>The 4th is snoring, which can be fixed with surgery... I already talked about this fear.<P>The 5th is not listening to all those signals (like her insistence that I should read “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, by an author that I found with a terrible style (I am an amateur writer –in Spanish- & really appreciate style). She felt insulted when I didn’t read it & didn't listen to other signals & then we stopped communicating.<P>Other than that our relationship is just fine, thank you.<P>Just for kicks I asked her if she hasn’t have any sexual desire for me since her affair began & she confessed that yes; ya know what? $#@%^&*!!!! I have felt her desire several times when she is supposed to stay home & then all of the sudden she says “I have to go out, I’ll be home later” & I just knew that she had gone to OP' (which is real).<P>Says she cares for OP but loves me & that she cannot make any decisions now (whew!!!!). Then went to bed. This morning we agreed that we should start together exercising in this gym & that we’ll take walks also together every morning.<P>One step at a time, but I feel much better today & the sun agrees with me: is out & shining!!!<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Hi ALex,I'm glad you guys had a chance to really talk. Many times lack of communication makes things much more difficult.<BR>Now that you identified the problems and were able to talk about it, it should be easier to try to fix what can be fixed and go rom there.<BR>It seems that you guys are doing fine - nobody said that recovery was easy, and we all make mistakes trough ours - .<BR>Keep it up<BR>and take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Thanx Kat, although we are not in recovery- she's still seeing OP almost every night & I am in total celibacy.<P>Gosh!!! And I forgot one MAJOR LB: drinking; I wasn't out every night, but 10-12 years ago I used to drink once or twice a week, always with the same gang- I was ususally the one who went home earlier: about 3-4 AM after having our "social Friday as of 2PM!!! This is long over but she hasn't forgiven (which she didn't know either).<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn<p>[This message has been edited by ThisAlex (edited January 06, 2000).]