My hubby and I have been married for 30+ years. I have been seeing a younger man for about 3 years. I love my husband, don't get me wrong but I am not "in love" with him. We have what I would call a "comfortable marriage" and I want more. This has been an on going problem for years. Around our 10th wedding anniversary we went on a Marriage Enounter weekend and for quite a few years after it was great. But in the past 18 years we have been having ups and downs again. There is more to this and I don't know how much space I can take. I don't know what to do. I am reading His Needs Her Needs recommended by a friend. He hasn't even taken an interest in it, yet. <BR>What do I do?<P>------------------<BR>Di

I don't condone what you are doing, but I know you hurt too. I wonder if you should actually know what you should do by now. I guess the question is....what do you want? Do you know the consequences of your actions and are you willing to accept them, because you might just have to anyway.<P>P.S.--don't worry about space...plenty of it.<BR><P>------------------<BR>"Love isn't someplace that we fall, it's something that we do"--Clint Black<BR>

Welcome <B>Di</B> to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>First and foremost... <B>You've got to dump the OM... RIGHT AWAY</B>...<P>Then be honest with your H and tell him...<P>Then get counseling...<P><B>That is the quick upshot</B>...<BR>now more... and my standard welcome...<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Even as a betrayer... you've got to start with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>. An do it now!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>.<BR>Let me recommend one for <B>just you</B>!... <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman!!! and for your H...<A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/155927185X" TARGET=_blank><B>Light Her Fire</B></A> by Ellen Kreidman !<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>Not even for the wayward as yourself...<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<BR>This applies to waywards and betrayed's equally!<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>As far as counseling is concerned...<BR>If the ideas of Dr. Harley make sense to you...<BR>I would recommend that you have 2 <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>!<P>One more thought!!!...<BR>Get you H onto the forum...<BR>He'll learn fast the trouble he is in if <B>he doesn't wake up!</B><P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Hi, FoxyLady and Welcome to MB. If you'd like support and advice from friends while you work on re-building your marriage, you've come to the right place.<P>Reading HNHN is a good start. Read the articles on this site as well. There are some terrific ones regarding bringing back that "in love" feeling. Because you need to bring that back with your husband. And you do realize, right, that if you don't learn how to get it back with him, you won't sustain it with ANYONE. It will always eventually die.<P>You love your husband. That's great. Step one. Stop the affair. Now, today, this minute. You will NOT be able to bring back any feelings for your husband as long as you have contact with someone else. That's it.<P>OK, I'm editing. I just wrote down all the things our dear friends HERE who have been in your situation have said to justify NOT ending an affair while "trying" to work on their marriage. 'Cause, hopefully, you'll say. "Ok, I will". And do it. <P>It'll be hard. It'll get harder b/f it'll get easier. But you can do it. And it's the only way. The only way. Too many have passed through this board and tried it every other way in the world. Getting through the withdrawal is the only way. And you're lucky. We care about you and we're here for you during that rough time.<P>You do realize that, uh, there's some HONESTY that's got to happen, right? Your H is not interested in that book b/c he doesn't have a CLUE that his 30 year marriage is REALLY in trouble. Time to fess up. And that's hard too. But you two need to work together and you can't do that unless he understands what he's dealing with. And what he stands to lose.<P>I'm talking too much again. I wish I could give you a list of tricks to restore your feelings and his, but the fact of the matter is, there's no such thing. This takes work. The right kind of work. And it involves pain. But, it'll be worth it. The rewards will be greater than you can imagine.<P>Glad you're here. We're all here for you, too.<P>Airheart, gimme a hand here, I see you're back around!<P>Good luck. Let us know what we can do.<P>Lori

Well, I'm of the school that believes that you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.<P>Yes, the first thing you have to do is get rid of the OM. You can't patch a marriage when you have someone on the side, and it sounds as if that's what you want to do.<P>If your H is receptive to the HNHN book, great. If not, here's a book for YOU: <B>How One of You Can Bring Both Of You Together</B>, by Susan Page. The premise here is that you can bring about change in your partner by changing YOUR own behavior.<P>And it works. I'm living proof.