This forum seems to be a place of comfort for spouses cheated on - I hope you all don't mind if I vent because I am going crazy right now and really need to share my feelings with someone who understands. I have been married three years to my wife - I'm 30 and she's 26 (no children). Our relationship began in January 1996 as a blind date and evoloved into a distance relationship (we met through a common friend). I was in the Army in Georgia at the time and she was in Texas. She forever changed the opinions I had about long distance relationships in that they never worked. I left the Army in April 1996 to take a job in Southern California. Large phone bills, visits during holidays, long letters - we were truly in love and knew we would someday be married. It took only until December that year before we wed. She came out to California to begin a life together we had so desparately waited for. It was quite a learning experience at first as we began to really get to know one another from spending every waking moment together after a distance relationship. It had it's bumps, but we both were happy and loved each other. There were times where things had become real frustrating for me. Our communication lines have not been the best. My wife is a lady who likes to keep issues or problems to herself and not truly express how she feels - no matter how hard I'd try. It would take an argument that boiled over into a a major fight before I'd ever know what was bothering her. I'm a very direct person who sometimes can be blunt when getting to a point. Our communication lines were never properly established - why this was is something I just don't know. Still, we have dealt with it and gotten by. There have been other issues with our pasts which have affected our marriage. My wife was a military brat who had to live at times without a father while he served his country. She has had "predicaments" with boyfriends that resulted in some emotional scars that I won't get into. As for me, I grew up in a strict Catholic family with an alcoholic mother who used to beat me - for no reason at times. Between watching my back at home for doing something wrong and getting hit for it, between dealing with nine years of nuns getting on my case in Catholic school, I grew up into someone with a low self esteem who never dated in high school and lives a "strict" orderly life while feeling I need to prove my worth to everyone I meet by being perfect, correct and organized ALL THE TIME. I struggled a long time to build my self confidence when I met my wife finally. <P>I figured (which started an addiction of looking at adult magazines and videos) I was all set in life. Early in our marriage, I figured I had everything in place: a great wife, great job, great home, great church choir I sang in - I was happy. Then, a thorn was thrust into my side when my wife resented my involvement in choir. She concluded I would rather spend more time singing with the women in the choir than spend with her (my involvement was sing an hour a week practice plus Sunday morning Mass). I had no thoughts of other women, just giving praise and thanks to God for all He'd done for me. My wife fought with me until I couldn't take it no more and I quit. I have not been truly happy since, but figured I'd deal with it (all my life, I'd been pretty good at "dealing" with stuff). Then, one day, I made a big mistake and lapsed back into my bad habit of looking at adult pics - this time on the internet. While I honestly love my wife, I couldn't seem to break this bad habit. In time, I'd show her the pics on the web and tell her it was all for fantasy building, not a replacement for something missing in our marriage (which is true), as far as I'm concerned). In time, we'd watch an adult video togather and use it as a fantasy tool for both of us. It seemed OK for a while. In time, we bought one of those video cameras for the computer. My wife quickly learned how to chat and video conference. At first, I thought, "good, she has a hobby" (she had no hobbies or interests up to that point - this bothered me). I know I've been babbling, I'll get to the main issue now. <P>I had to go away on business a number of times during the fall. When I came back, I noticed ahe wasn't as close as always (she's a very affectionate lady who loves intimacy - then she was cold and indifferent to me). I admit there were times she wanted to be intimate and I asked her to wait a day - either because I had worked a long day or had taken my allergy medicine that made me drowsy - which she interpreted as I didn't care about her or wanted to be close to her - which was the furthest thing from the truth.<P>After I came home from my last trip (from Europe), I decided to clean out the computer of old files and stuff (maintenance) while she was at work. I had noticed a lot of old files in her chatting programs. I started checking them out and discovered that not only does she flash herself to guys, but she had an affair with some guy who flew all the way over from Japan while I was away in Europe! I was simply crushed! I read some more and found out that she is simply head over heels and madly in love with this guy and "unhappy" with our marriage. This guy was trying to talk her into leaving me (my wife is a very passive woman and can be influenced very easily). She seriously was contemplating leaving me but had reservations about what I would do to her financially (we recently bought a house and took out a loan for home improvements/debt consolidation). All this simply has aged me 20 years over the last couple of months. Anyway, I confronted her about it and told her I may not be perfect, but did I deserve this? I was ready to go sleep on the couch when she burst into tears and told me how sorry and stupid she was for doing that and that she doesn't love him. Being Catholic (she is too), divorce is not in my vocabulary. I told her I love her and would need time to get over this. Anyway, after this happened, my grandfather back east had passed away (we both went to the funeral). We returned back to CA with me catching the flu and having to go to work because of all the bills that need to be paid. After a holiday where I was sick, I became even more sick when I found out that this guy (the OM who recently divorced his wife so he could marrry my wife) was moving to Oregon from Japan and that my wife still is "madly in love with him" and "still unhappy with the marriage even though she trying to work on it". I also found out that she has a post office box that she uses to receive letters from him. Through all of this, she tells me that she loves me and is happy with us and all is fine. This is where I stand at the moment. I am so hurt and confused and afraid of this OM. I had e-mailed him and told him he had better stop communicating with my wife or else - he replied with a cocky, arrogant letter stating that I "stooped so low" to threaten him - to let my wife go if she wants to. Right now, I want to simply kill him as I feel he is manipulative with words and my wife is stuck in a trap (he has been married and divorced three times - but they weren't his his fault - so he says). I am so angry with my wife yet I love her so much and want to work everything out. I know our marriage hasn't been perfect, but I promised her I'd stop with the internet porn and do what it takes to make things right with us. I just don't know what's up with her. Thank you all for listening - I really appreciate it. Any words of wisdom, or just want to talk, please e-mail me or reply in this forum. Thank you and God Bless you All<BR>

Committed:<P>I don't have time to post much, but I wanted you to know that we ARE here for you. I'm sure NSR and the "Welcome Wagon" will be along shortly with some very helpful information.<P>In the meantime, remember to READ as much as possible about affairs, starting with Dr. Harley's info on this website. Some of it seems a little "hokey" at first, but I firmly believe in it now that my W and I are 10 months into recovery from her affair. Things have never been better.<P>It CAN happen for you. Just give it time and come here as often as you need to. Almost everyone here has been through this before and they will have some VERY helpful information.<P>Stay strong!<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

My situation is similar, however my H has hired a traveling "escort" and i don't know if it's the first or not. Doubtful. I just found this out so i have no advise for you, i need lots myself. Just know you aren't alone. My heart breaks for you both and for me and my H as well. I bought some books to read, you both have to work on this together.

ciC,<P>Welcome to marriage Builders I am glad you found this site. The information here as well as the advice from the members can be so helpful. Take the advice of Lone Star and read as much as you can. Oru resident welcome wagon NSR is in court probably still in right now(prayers to you Jim). He is a wealth of information and will offer you links to all the info you will need from this site.<BR>I know the devestation that comes from finding out that the person you trusted more than anybody in the world has betrayed you, I have felt tha empty, lost, dying inside feelings. There are people one this site though, who have felt what your wife is feeling as well, they can help you understand what is going on her head and heart.<BR>Have the two of you considered counceling? How willing is she to work on things right now? Could you perhaps show her this site? There is a lot of info here that may help her work through her feelings, as well as people who can let her know that the concepts do work. Marriages can be healed and become even better.<BR>Being Catholic myself, I understand where you are coming from on the divorce issue. In the early stages after discovery I did a fair bit of research into annulment, not as an option for me, because I was interested in seeking one, but because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone if my husband decided our marriage wasn't worth the effort.(I could never remarry outside of the church, receiving the sacraments are too important to me).<BR>I don't really have too much other advice to give you except to read what you can, show your wife that you love her, and post, post, post. If nothing else you will know that there are people out there who are supporting you in your efforts.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole<P><BR>

Lone Star, BSJ and Nicole,<P>I simply want to thank you for your kind words and your time to post - it means more than you can imagine to me!<P>I've posted my story at facingreality.com as well and received a response that kind of woke me up that may be a first step on the road to recovery for my wife and I. Here's what I wrote, what this lady wrote, and my response:<P>(Me)<BR>Let me first attempt to elaborate on all the comments everyone has made so far:<P>- my mother has always had trouble showing love and affection - towards my father as well as myself and my brother. She had a rough childhood with her<BR>father beating her senseless while he was in a drunken stupor and then he died on her when she was 10 years old (surprising, isn't it?). God Bless her, though,<BR>she finally realized her problem and went to a detox center and AA meetings and she has been dry for almost six years which I am so proud of her! Still, while I<BR>am on great terms with her and my father, I am still very passive when I am in their presence (they live 3000 miles away and I see them once every couple of<BR>years now - the last time was a few weeks ago at my grandfather's funeral). Even now, I am still very prim and proper around them - I won't say a four letter<BR>word around them, for example, and I call them "mother" and "father" - not "mom and dad". Yes, there's baggage there that still bugs me (I'm crying as I write<BR>this). I love my parents dearly and still have the feeling I need to make them proud of me. This is another reason why I could never divorce my wife - I feel I<BR>would bring shame upon myself and family if I did.<P>- I know the other man is a player - he displays all the signs. He lured my wife by giving the old "I've been screwed over three times - poor me" and "I love you<BR>because you listen to me and my problems" routines. I am convinced he took a few issues between my wife and I that she told him and twisted them around to<BR>make her "the victim in our marriage" and that I'm this selfish guy who's repressing her. Like I've said, I know she's been programmed reall good right now and I<BR>have to do something to unprogram her so she realizes what a farce he is. Yes, I am fortunate enough to work for a great company that offers insurance for<BR>counseling. I now realize we have no choice but to get professional help and put everything straight.<P>Let me update you all on the latest. After I wrote my letter yesterday, she came home from work and she was a little hesitant with me (I told her the night before<BR>I wanted to talk about this issue when she came home). I filled her in on how irritated I was that she could fall for a three time loser over "sweet talk BS." I told<BR>her that I've killed myself over the last six months to buy and fix up a house, to work overtime at my job to make a few extra $$$ to upgrade the home and buy<BR>things we wanted, that I was doing it because I love her so dearly and want to make her happy and she thinks I don't care about her! I told her that she is<BR>stabbing me in the heart every time she writes him a letter and twists it when she says she's unhappy with me and dreams about being with him someday. When<BR>I simply asked why she is so unhappy with me, what I did to wrong her, she comes back with "I'm not unhappy with you - I made a stupid mistake and the<BR>letters will stop." I asked her again "so why would you tell him you're unhappy with me if you know it's just building his ego and hopes" - she simply said "I don't<BR>know, I'm being stupid, I love YOU." She could not or would not tell me why she tells him this stuff. I have an engineering degree - meaning I have a good<BR>grasp on logic, but I simply cannot make heads or tails of this and it's really eating away at me. I want to believe her and I feel she does love me, but I just can't<BR>tell whether or not there's something more to her letters and this really scares me. She has constantly proclaimed her love to me last night and this morning and I<BR>believe her, however, I'm still in a knot over this one. Like I said, she keeps a lot of things to herself and she's not confident enough to talk about personal things<BR>like myself. Marriage counseling seems like a good thing - I was even thinking about a marriage encounter through our church. While I feel we can get through<BR>this, there's still something inside me that senses I'm about to be hurt just like I was when I was beaten as a child (I'm sorry to keep using that as a crutch, but<BR>that's how I feel).<P>The marriage builder's website seems like a great site! I've bookmarked it and will post my original letter there soon.<P>Again, thank you all for writing and would have no problems responding personally if anyone were to e-mail me. Again, thank you and God bless! <P>(From "Raylyn")<BR>even though women are not supposed to post on the male board...I am going to for your sake.<BR>reading all that you have written, your answer is clear to me though it won't be to you because you are at the center of this problem. Your wife is passive<BR>correct?? She has had the military in her life as a child, and being the wife of an Armed forces person, we both know how strict that can be. Now she is married<BR>to you and once again she is dealing with a rigid life.....It sounds like most of the decision making is yours..even down to the thing with the PC...your idea....She<BR>has spent a life of being contolled and this is probably the first thing that she has had control over. She can't tell you why she does it because she is confused<BR>about it. Having control is intriguing to someone that has never had it. The OM is as much her plat toy as she is his. As you can see she has not left you to be<BR>with him yet and I bet that is not truly her intention. She is in the position to call the shots. She has a certain power that she will not display in real life. You have<BR>to back down and let her find herself. She has been so busy doing what others want her to do , that she has lost touch with herself. Counseling is truly<BR>reccommended, if she is willing to go but don't force her or give her an ultimatum. Back off and let her breathe. Now I am the wife of a cheater and I know<BR>from your side how bad this all feels and what a major dose of reality you have to deal with now. I am also a woman and putting myself in her shoes, I can see<BR>where she might becoming from. You too need to do some true soul searching because you are also at fault.Yes, you have given her the world , but did you<BR>provide her with what YOU wanted for the both of you or what the TWO of you decided on? Control should be a shared thing. You are a repeat chapter as an<BR>adult of what she has already experienced as a child.<BR>This is a tough situation my friend and I truly wish you all the blessings and luck in the world. My d day was 10/15 of last year and I am still learning bits and<BR>pieces (try 3 affairs and 33 attempts over 8 years) You have to reach beyond the hurt for the understanding, you have to get beyond the finger pointing and the<BR>"I did this for you and that" and try to get at the core of your problems. You and your wife, like my H and me, have other underlying issues that need to be<BR>tended to as well. Would it not be great if horrible childhoods really led to successful adult hoods?? Alas this is Life and it is not that way.<BR>Once again...good luck and keep venting..try and see if she is willing to post on the women's side, it has been helpful for a lot of us <P>(From Me)<BR>Thank you for a woman's perspective that I found not only informative but something that might make an excellent foundation for the next step - working out<BR>each other's problems and finally experience true and healthy growth of our relationship and marriage.<P>I have been out of the military for four years, but I'll tell you that my rearing years made those drill sergeants seem like Mary Poppins. I've pretty much realized<BR>that due to what I grew up with, I developed into a direct, structured, "black and white" kind of person who knew only one way to do things - the "perfect"<BR>way. There was no excuse for mistakes and no room for error. In ohter words, I never had the leverage to make a mistake and explore to truly learn from it<BR>and gain insight - the "fear of the wrath of God" stuff I was brainwashed with that still haunts me in many ways today. While I know this has strained many<BR>relationships in the past, it's a very difficult thing to break. It's like someone saying "you can stop being perfect now" while I say "why do something the wrong<BR>way when I can do it right and gain respect and admiration because of that oneness of purpose?" (the "black and white"). It's funny, I remember my first<BR>girlfriend told me about that as well (she was into social services and could read me like a book). Being my stubborn self, I failed to take a hint - possibly<BR>because I was still living under my parent's roof at the time. I can definitely see how I can appear to be "controlling" based on my personality. Deep down,<BR>however, my intentions are to never control anyone and only to make people happy. That's why I know I need some kind of professional assistance in fixing or<BR>remolding my mind or whatever - just dealing with it for starters. <P>I admit I have my rigid moments with my wife, but, honestly, I feel as if I try to give her every opportunity to make decisions - like what movie should we put in<BR>the VCR or where would she like to go and do something, and she resents it because I never tell her what I want. I purposely try not to dominate decision<BR>making by letting her say go as law of the land. If I make a choice, it often gets frowned upon - for one reason or another. I guess this is another thing we need<BR>to work on. I don't know how she truly feels because she is so reluctant to tell me stuff - and she admits it sometimes! I can see where this led to the internet<BR>romance, however, it frustrates me that she won't open up all the way in that regard (could it be she's afraid I might try to control her deepest and innermost<BR>thoughts?). Anyway, I'll be the first to admit that help is needed here and I'll do whatever it takes to break the walls down - I want to be close to her so bad<BR>you can't imagine!<P>When it comes to faults and finger pointing, even though I am hurt, in addition to all I wrote in the last letter, I also told her that I must have done something to<BR>her to make her do this and that I was sorry and vowed to correct it. She would then tell me to hush about apologizing and that she was the one who was sorry.<BR>I am not perfect, regardless how hard I try, and I realize now that there are walls that have been built up during our marriage - or may have already existed long<BR>before we met. I don't know if that is a "first step" - acknowledging this because I still don't have all the answers (which really bugs me the most - the perfect<BR>"know it all" thing again). I did tell her about this website and I would love to sit down with her this weekend and explore it more plus the marriagebuilders.com<BR>site. I've got the "Infidelity" book on its way from Amazon.com and hope it will help some in the coping process. I think the hardest thing for me is<BR>understanding how to give her "breathing room" when all I want to do is be with her and work through this together. I would love to hear any ideas or input that<BR>you might have on this, Raylyn, because I'd love for her to find herself but I don't want to appear "indifferent" either - is there a difference? I'm not convinced<BR>my wife sees a difference either.<P>I admire your courage and determination in your marriage and hope for the best for you and your husband - he is so blessed to have someone as committed as<BR>yourself. Be well, take care, God Bless you, and thank you!<P>--------------------<P>From that posting, I realize I have my own problems and my wife has hers - much of the baggage already existed before we met. I realize that there is a wall that's preventing both of us from truly communicating with each other. I understand that my wife has to "find herself" but don't understand what my role is in that, if any, and I don't know if she really knows how to find herself "by herself". I know I am going to have to come to terms with my "controlling" personality so it doesn't hinder our marriage - something I know I need help with. <P>The bottom line is I do not believe in divorce, annulments or separations. I believe in loving her "'til death do we part" as I proclaimed to her in front of our family, friends and God at the altar three days after Christams 1996. <P>Thank you again for posting! My head still is spinning a million miles an hour, but I feel better knowing there are others so wonderful enough to share and help with their experiences - God Bless You All!

We normally have this wonderful man, NSR (Jim) provide a welcome message, but he's had one heck of a horrid day, so I'm stepping in for him...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I can see this is your first post to this board.<P>Let me welcome you. <P>You've come to a vey good place. The people here are both betrayed and betrayers and the occasional Other Person/Woman/Man (OP/OW/OM).<P>I, and many others can understand the hurt and the confusion you feel. We've all been through it from one angle or another. Don't feel your alone. You are definitely not alone. The bad news is that all too often your instincts of an affair are right. <P><BR>Now for some help. You have reached a stage, because your posting here, were you are reaching out. Let me first recommend to go to the home page of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> and read as many of the articles as you can... Of<BR>VERY great importance read (from the left side of the home page) about Plan A and Plan B. There is alot of dicussion of how these approaches recommended and espoused by Dr. Harley can help you... if not to save your marriage.. then to keep perspective and live again.<P>You need to do some self assessment too!<P>I would strongly recommend some of Dr. Harley's books to you... first and foremost "Surviving an Affair"... there are some explanations in this site... but you've got to get this book. If you look in the "bookstore" pages there are other books you can get later... and many people here will make other good(Great) recommendations. <P>We here, can and want to be a source of help to everyone who is or will experience what we have. There is alot of love... and patience here... there is also alot of honesty.<P>Please come back often...<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Committed, I welcome you also... and am sorry that you have to be here... as we all wish we didn't have to be... <P>Best wishes as you begin to navigate this very difficult road...<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Nobody knows what you want except you, and nobody will be as sorry as you if you don't get it. ~Barry Manilow

Committed_in_CA,<P>Have you thought about talking to your wife in terms of your new insights about yourself? One of the things you will read here about Love Busters (LB's) is that making judgements of the other person thinking or lecturing them is usually responded to as a LB. However, if she were to see that you have been assessing yourself and your role in things, it might help her to open up. It also might help her see and recognize what it is that is causing her to behave this way. <P>Of course good counseling should also do this, but people leave other people because something is wrong or at least preceived to be wrong. Talk with about the insights you have discussed about yourself and your upbring. Talk with her about ways for you to improve. It may lead into a very deep and helpful discussion.<P>God Bless You and Your W<P>JL