I've been doing a plan A for a year now. I can see real benefits. It takes a long time. Bumps in the road. Good days outnumber bad.<P>I think it has been several weeks/months since he really saw her last. She has a new BF now. Things have been the best in 2.5 years, and we bought a new bedroom set last weekend. He said "We're building a home".<P>Last night he said he was going out for a drink and to pick up a video. I even joked with him cause he changed his underwear before, I couldn't have done that a few months ago.<P>I woke up at 5:00am and he wasn't home. I drove by her house and his car was there. <P>I wrote and then tore up several notes, all saying "I know where you were, I saw your car. I can't/won't share you anymore. It's over with us. Don't call me, don't send me flowers. Goodbye, Me."<P>But I tore them up, I want to see what he's going to say?!? I want to tell him CALMLY that I just can't do this anymore.<P>And I am AFRAID that he does love her, and she broke up with her BF and it's going to start all over again.<P>I guess I don't really have a question, just letting it out.<P>I'm very glad I didn't pound on her door, beep my horn, call her house, throw his stuff outside the house, or leave any notes that could be construed as b******g. And that's due to this site.<P>I just don't know what to do right now.<P>How do you know if it's a bump (A BIG ONE) or time to throw in the towel.....<P>jt<P><BR>

Plan B is a seamless transition of no lovebusters from a good plan A to a good plan b (no contact, no lovebusters.)<P>You can find about it on with the link on the first site of marriagebuilders.... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com</A> <P>I am giving you a star for not doing the things you would have like to have done last night! e gads, and even changed his underwear before he left. Your patience is a real reason for a star.<P>You have sadly realized that you cannot control his decisions, or his behavior - only your own. Please know we are here to help console you and help you stay on track.<P>I know you don't want your marrige to be over, just want it back. <P>tnt

JT<P>My heart goes out to you.<P>I know the pain first hand of finding out H is still seeing OW when everything seems to be going so well.<P>I too had the same desire to let H know I knew where he had been. But realized it would do nothing but push him further into her arms. (as it turned out he was already there and nothing I did positive helped either) Although now things appear as they may be turning around for me. Perhaps they can for you too.<P>I feel your pain. However unless you are really ready to end your marriage I'd take some time to cool off and think before I throw in the towel. Yes it hurts. The lies, the decpetion, the dishonesty are some times too much to bare. I know I have been dealing with them for over two and half years now. But am I giving up? NO!<P>You must decide what is *your* breaking or ending point. But be sure you are making that decsion based on your heart of hearts and not just your anger.<P>God Speed<P>FC

Wow... I could have written your post almost word for word 3 months ago..(except the underware part)!<P>My h told me he was going to a work gathering and he wouldnt be late. I got out of work at 11pm and to my suprise he wasnt home.. No call, no message,, around 12:30, I page him (he had to work in am) so I kind of worried that something was wrong.. He didnt call... At aroung 2 I drive by ow house. Her garage is a single stall, and her car was parked outside her garage.. Well, guess who's car was inside...?? Yup,, my h's.. <P>When he got home, I tried to act like it was no big deal... Then after him just lying and telling me about how he closed a bar,, I just couldnt contain myself... <P>I did not tell him I drove by her house,, cuz i learned from the past that this is a major lovebuster!!!! I mean major.. He hated it if I checked on him.... But I did ask him if he saw ow at the work party.. etc and asked him a few questions.. of course he got mad and we got into a fight...<P>Well,, like you... I was at the end of my rope too.. Although I never told him I drove by, and we never discussed it, he knew I either knew or really suspected..<P>I was on the verge of plan B.. The next day,, my body was shaking, and I had real bad stomach pains.. I was drained.. It had been a year of ups and downs, and I couldnt take it.. My h had to take me to the doctor the next day,,, it was awful.. <P>We pretended everything was ok,, but I was ready to have him move out.. A week later I wrote him a nice letter.. Told him that I was going to be ok,, and not to stay home out of guilt...That I would make it.. If we needed to seperate, that he could go and that we would make it work financially.<P>The next day my h started talking about selling our home to move away from ow...(she had bought one around the corner from us on purpose about 4 months agao).. I couldnt believe it, but I had my guard up.. I had gotten my hopes up too many times, to see him disappoint me..<P>Well, I dont know what happened,, But finally he has broken free of her.. Our home is for sale, we are getting plans made to build a new home away from ow,, and my h turned back into the man I married..<P>My point of this post is this:: You just never know when the affair will really end for good.. It could be just around a corner.. Your h could have been there because he needed to break it off again, or some reason other than it is back on.. Maybe it was a back slide.. You may never know.. But the best thing that Kat1 taught me was this... As long as you see progress in you h,, that is a good sign.. You made need to take 2 steps forward, and 1 back,, but if you are seeing progress plan A is still working... Kat1 even said she used to think sometimes that her h may even had tested her to see if she would check up on him...<P>So my advice... Just be careful.. If you decide you have to confront him,, then do so very carefully.. Do not tell him you drove by!!!! It is a huge lovebuster....<P>Also,, my h and Kat1's h used to buy things for the home such as furniture or things that if they were planning on leaving, wouldnt have purchased.. That is a good sign for you.... <P>Its just takes time for this to eventually die a natural death.. Hang in there, it is probably closer than you thinkk......<P>

Thanks everybody.<P>I did a little LB last night, asked if he and she were "back together, or have you been together all along?". He got mad and turned the car around, I said "I can't even ask questions?" Then I actually apologized for asking. Yuck.<P>I left a note this am saying "Dear You, It's been a year and a half and your still seeing her. I love you but don't want to share you. We can't seem to talk without anger. I want you to be happy too. Just sad it didn't work out for us. Love, me."<P>SO, he knows I know he saw her, but I agree driving by and confronting him with it is a major LB in his book. But it's so hard not to even mention it.<P>I went to work today - just to get away from it all - and he asked "Where are you going", then called me at work and asked if I had already planned yesterday to work today, or did I just decide this morning!?!<P>Duh, I decided FRIDAY morning when he hadn't come home...I decided to get out of there as much as possible because he is off this weekend and I just don't want to be around him whrn I am still so angry about this whole thing...made harder because we just can't talk...not right now anyway.<P>I know he saw my note, because I left it right by the phone, but I'm not saying another word about HER or IT or US or anything.<P>But I am really getting close to leaving, but miss him all at the same time.<P>I don't know who is the more confused.<P>But thanks all for responding, I cried when I read your posts. I printed them out too.<P>Love, jt