hello,<P>I took a mini break from the BB becasue of school. My marriage problems are my whole life now but passing my State Boards are equaliy important so I had to force them to be my priority this week. <BR>H and I went to therapy on Tuesday night. He spent 35 minutes alone with the therapist and I never got my 20 minutes alone. So I had to tell Ken my feelings with him right there without talking them out first with the therapist. I bottom lined it i guess. For me this marriage can survive or fail. BUT i have to get over the pain some before i can agree to try 100%. H says I cause him hurt by talking about it too much so I have scaled down my talking...and this caused me a bit of pain too. I'm a talker and need to vocalize my problems. SO I spent 4 hours crying by myself in bed last night because it all caught up to me. H was i the spare room. never tried to comfort me. He says becasue he figured i would push him away. But half of the reason i was crying was becasue Nobody cared enough to check on me. So why didn't he just see if i was OK??? <P>Those professional wrestlers. We recieved a email from OW family. They are not coming here to hurt H becasue OW says she loves him still. So Maybe that worry is gone. I later learned from a family friend that OW said she did this just to hurt our marriage some more. Figures HUH. So I have been fearing for my family's safety becasue she wanted us to hurt. B*tch...sorry she seems prime evil to me. <BR>I keep going back to why this was done in the first place. I don't agree that our marriage had probelms. H had problems and made a life for himself without even thinking of me or D. I was seeing to his needs he just didn't want ME seeing to them. <BR>It also came out that this is not his first emotional affair. back in college he had a close woman friend that he spent a huge amount of time with. they went out dancing because I had D to take care of and hate to dance. H admitted if this friend had wanted more he would of probably gone along. So Now that there is a history of Me not being "good" enough how do i believe him that all of a suddem I'm what he wants??? After 3 years of neglecting me and seeing to his own needs he all of a sudden wants me for the next 40 years<BR>and is going to put US first??? hard to believe...don't you agree?<BR>confusedwife

Counseling should help both of you find out how you can be the most important in each other's lives. Since this is not the first time, it is good to get hold of it noe. Be honest, get it all on the table. No lies, no hidden agendas. Sure, it was hard to hear that there had been an emotional affair. But aren't you glad you know what you are really dealing with? <BR>Usedtobemighty, tell the truth, and do it with care. <BR>Glad you are taking some time to study. You are going to do fine. Common sense on state boards goes a long way. <BR>I hear you are not sure what you want in the relationship. A lot of peopel here sure seem to know, don't they? They seem to be able to say they want the spouse and the marriage, no doubt. I was not one of those. I sat on the fence so long, wondering what I wanted, trying to see that there was a real visible change. I sat on that fence til I got slivers. Then I stayed there wondering if I should decide to decide-til the slivers started to fester. <BR>Only you can decide what is right for you. Take your time, wait til after state boards, then see where you want to go with it. It does take an enormous amount of energy to deal with all this stuff. <BR>Just a thought...next time you are crying in the bedroom, make sure h knows if you want to be held and comforted. Of course we think he should know that, but he did NOT know!! You need to be very clear in your communications. Today you may want to be held, but a few weeks ago you pushed him away in his mind. Be very clear what you need from him.<BR>(((hugs))) cl

My first advice is not to try to focus on why this happened and focus on fixing the marriage if you want it to work. Also if he was neglecting you for three years, you did have problems in your marriage. I agree with cl when he said to make sure you are communiceting your need. You see, I always expected my H to do this or that when I did this or that. But we have to realize that everyone expresses their love differenty and that we aren't mind readers. My H is not the luvy duby type, but I am. Somewhere we need to learn to compromise. As such you when it comes to dancing maybe. He likes to dance, but you don't. Maybe you should try compromising and go with him. You don't have to dance, but don't you rather it's you accompanying him and not someone else. Please don't think I'm disregarding your feelings, because no matter what, there is no excuse for any type of affair, but I'm just trying to get you to look at it from a different perspective. My prayers are with you and I hope everthing works out. Stay strong and be encouraged. He also need to realize that its going to take sometime for you to heal and that though his 6 month EA is over, its all new to you... You're doing great. Hang in there!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>

I think i need to clarify that the affari before this 6 month one was emotional....not physical. This latest one was at a physical level. OW came ehre from Cal...to NY to go to school and be with H.<P>Emotional affaris for me would eb easier to get over. In fact before OW movved here we were in counciling to get over that issue. But once she moved here H was right with her. He picked her up from the train station and spent severla hours with her. Of course i thought he was at work....so did his boss BTW.<P>thanks for the information. I know i need to compromise. But if you knew me Dancing is the ONE thing i can't do. For many reasons. This is why i wish H would find ANYTHING else he loves. I ahev gone out with him...like you suggested but I just get ignored becasue he is dancing And I'm not. <P>Thank you<BR>Confusedwife

On a brighter note...cw, you can learn to dance! Wait til after state boards when you have some time, then take some dance classes with h. <BR>You learned to read, you learned to ride a bike, so GO FOR IT girl!! It is really great exercise, a way to spend time with h, a way to expand yourself. Grab the h and some self-confidence and DO IT.

cl,<P>I knew you would reply. I ahev tried to learn to dance. To but it mildly i suck. I ahev tried my best to participate at weddings and other social events but its hard when your H is dancing circles around you. He is so good he compunds my BADness at it. HHMm was that correct english? anyway... H taught himself to ddance he is 350 pounds and pure energy and has the typical "leo" personality of being a attenttion getter. I'm a wallflower. I have always been overweight but lost 70 pounds when i was 18....during teh time i met H. I earned new selfesteem then. But 2 babies later and i weight what i did bac in High school. (our first daughter passed away at birth) Believe me whne i say i ahev tried. All my negative features some out when forced to dance. If he would only tone down his ability so that the whole world isn't watching us. Typicaly people circle around him to watch..so there i'am with 2 left feet and a h that is going crazy on teh dance floor. <P>We are meeting today as a family at lunch time. He is at a job 45 minuts away. D and I are gonna drive down and explore a area of town we have never been to. Probably hit the local McDonalds for lunch and just ahve fun. <P>CL how are you?? I do not see any posts from you.<BR>Confusedwife

Confused--<P>Hey, I second that motion that you go take dance lessons! Sign up today w/H !!!<P>My H has 2 left feet. His hips don't rotate. He's a drummer and likes heavy metal, soooooo not the 1-2-3, cha-cha-cha that I like. And I realllllly love to dance with him. He takes me dancing, not as much as I would like, but certainly more than he likes! And he lets me dance circles around him. I so appreciate that, and love him all the more because he's sharing in a "love" of mine. Besides, those slow dances are lovely. Ask your H to save a few of those slow ones in a not-to-outdo-you mode. Simply enjoy the closeness together.<P>Think of it that way. Your H will so appreciate it. LET him dance circles around you most times, and take pride in his ability. I think the lessons would give you more confidence to join him...you don't have to go overboard in movement to keep up with him, just learn the steps so you feel able to shake a leg your OWN way. Who cares if you're not Astaire and [insert any partner he had, lol]. You're "you" and he loves you. Have fun! <P>Laura