My wife of 15 years had a three-week affair two and a half months ago. She insists she ended the relationship immediately after I found out about it...and I believe her. The OM is about ten years older than she is...and is a prominent businessperson in our city. I am a casual acquaintance of his, and have played golf with him a couple of times. Since the affair, I have not seen him in public or talked with him in any way, but with the size of our city, I am bound to see him sometime soon. Question...before I happen to bump into him, should I make a conscious effort to contact him and meet him to get this out in the open? I feel a need to confront him about this...to let him know that, while I am angry, and that while I would love to smash his face in, he is not worth the effort. In some way, I want to let him know that I am a better man than he. Is this a bad idea? Is it better to wait until that awkward moment when I see him in public and feel like crawling under a rock? I'm open to advice. If you think it's a good idea to confront him...what should I say? Your input is very much appreciated.

How did she end it? I think the best way is to send a letter (as Harley says) stating you know all, etc. Then, silence. I have often thought of contacting the OW; h gave me her email address, but why intiate contact at all? If you do bump into him, coldly look into his eyes without blinking. He should crawl under a rock!

She won't tell me how she ended it. She says she met with him and told him it was over..but refuses to give me any details, saying "It's none of your business."<P>I've thought of 73 ways I could kill him and get away with it...but I think I'd get more pleasure out of breaking his legs or shooting him in the groin. (Not serious about those things...but I've pictured them 100 times in my head.)<P>I guess the real reason I want to confront him is that I don't want to have to deal with the constant anxiety of running into him by chance...then reacting in a knee-jerk way.

It IS your business. Recovery has to be based on honesty. Have you read "Recovering from an Affair"?<P>It's up to you, but I think you are better off planning your reaction for the if/when you run into him than to go looking for trouble.

Thanks schizzo. I'm with you on the honesty. Unfortunately, I've been lucky to get a grunt or two words out of my wife over the last two and a half months of living with her. She doesn't want to talk with me at all...let alone converse openly and honestly. Hopefully, we'll get to that point soon...but right now, there's an unfriendly alien occupying her body.<P>I appreciate and respect your opinion about planning my reaction to meeting the OM. You're probably right. Thanks.

A prominent business man huh? Well my wife messed around with a minister. I notified his licensing church body and guess what, they pulled his 'reverend license' faster than you can say "Holy Jesus". Most organizations don't want themselves identified with immorality obviously. It was so easy for me to do especially when I beat the bushes a bit and found out the good reverend had done it to other couples<BR>Is this guy married? If so maybe an anonymous letter to his wife. If this 'prominent' businessman had done this type of thing before, he won't know which husband is spilling the beans on him.<BR>I damn sure wouldnt crawl under a rock if I were to meet him somewhere if I were you. What the hell did you do wrong that you would have to slink around like a whipped dog? I'd look that sob right in the eye and tell him what a slime ball snake in the grass he was

OK. The OM is more than just a prominent businessman. He's the president of the local chamber of commerce. If word got out that he had been spending his working hours working my wife over, he probably would lose his job. Do I want that to happen? Well, I probably wouldn't lose sleep over it...but my wife would lose face in the community, too...and I don't want that to happen. I do love her. I don't know if his wife knows about the affair...but they have two kids the same ages as our two kids...and I don't want to do anything to help bring similar devastation to their lives. They don't deserve it either. I just want to set the record straight personally with this slime ball...and be able to look myself in the eye for standing up to him.

Searching,<P>Have you thought of moving, no so much not having to run into om but to eliminate the chance of the affair rekindling.<P>Your w sounds like she is either in withdrawal or maybe secreting still carring on the affir since she doesn't want to talk about it.<P>Harley's Surviving an Affair is a very good book and this is a step he recommends to insure there is no contact between the spouse and the op.<P>God Bless

I refuse to move. This has been my home for more than 35 years...and I'm not giving it up because my wife made a horrible error in judgment. I'll give her up before my hometown, my extended family and the job I've waited a lifetime to obtain.<P>She occasionally comes into contact with the OM through her job...but she adamantly refuses to give her job up. She says she can deal with him on a purely professional basis. I don't know if I agree...but I am not in a position to bargain with her. She will leave me if pushed.<P>I'll give this Harley method a shot, but I'm not going to sacrifice everything on the slim hope that my unfaithful (and currently unfriendly) wife will come crawling back to me.<P>If this is going to work, we're both going to have to deal with the OM living in the same city (unless I bump him off!).

Bump him off(just kidding). My stbx said the same thing after om dumped her. We tried to reconcile, me for a month, her for a week, but it didn't work because om spent more time with her at work than I did.<P>They got back together and I was finished.<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<P>