First I have to thank everyone here.....Not only for the responses I've gotten to my posts but for all the posts.....I've read them and thought about them, and LEARNED from them......<P>With lots of thought and plenty of books....I want to explain where I am right now, and ask for advise, or your experiences, as I'm afraid that this may not be a phase in recovery, but rather a destination......<P>I'm at a point where it no longer matters what caused the way I feel. I mean I'm the betrayed he's the betrayer.....but the roles no longer matter, what matters is that this type of thing makes one review the entire relationship from beginning to now.....The good times and the bad times, the laughter and the tears.......where we started out, the kids.....<P>Anyway I'm rambling.....<P>Right now I feel like I'm play acting. Like I'm playing the role of loving, forgiving, happy wife. I no longer have angry outbursts or question him, but we also no longer talk at all......And maybe this is how he felt before and during his little side trip (affair) But I feel we've lost the connection. Not the love we have for one another, but the connection. Like maybe this is the final chapter?<P>I believe we've had a good marriage. We've shared so much in 19 years. And maybe, that's all there is....maybe it's time to move on. Not because of this event in our lives, but just because we've played the whole thing out? Like there isn't anymore mutual goals or dreams? We've come full cycle? <P>I'm not sure I'm making any sense at all, but is this normal? Will I rediscover the connection? If anyone can help me out here, trying to explain this....or if anyone has felt this?<P>Thanks!

The feeling is mutual here Once Happy! It was four weeks ago yesterday that I found out about his affair..oh what a date to celebrate huh? Yesterday to say the least was not a good day and a lot of anger came out from me..kicking cars, wheelbarrow and anything that came close to me!! But I finally figured out what I felt besides the betrayal and hurt and I told him. I really felt as though I had been screwed twice. The first finding out about the affair and the second was I WAS THE ONE LEFT TO DEAL WITH THIS ENTIRE MESS. She walks aways free with no problems and he is able to say "I made a stupid mistake, lets forget it get on with our lives." <BR>I too feel like we are roll playing, both trying to be extra kind and sweet to each other. I know what you are feeling and I too wonder if this is just completing the full circle. Well it is one that I would glady make a U-turn in. Some days I think I can go on and others I think that "NO I DONT WANT IT TO GO ON LIKE THIS". I may be rambling too but like I told someone the other day..Just hang in there, my knuckles are white, but I REFUSE to let go.<P>Will keep you in my prayers!

I know how you feel. I feel that way myself right now. H is moving rest of his things out tomorrow and I'm not even that upset. I feel that it is maybe a good thing for me. I don't know why I feel this way when I know that I love him and miss him. Yet I can't help but feel that now is my chance to do for me. Maybe this is just a stage in this whole rotten process I don't know.

All I can offer is a big ME TOO. I'm emotionally if not physically drained from the stress of it all.<P>Sometimes I feel that us Men find it harder to be alone, even though I have an income... if I can keep working through all of this. I'm so scared to death of when she leaves...and I know it's coming. I don't know how to have the strength for my boys.

So, you want the connection back? And you feel it is work to get it, because it is no longer a natural connection? <P>Welcome to recovery. This is a challenge. Role playing is good, because it starts to build trust - trust for the betrayer and for the betrayed. No lovebusters - and trying to find new ways to communicate, supporting yourself emotionally - because it is not a natural thing for both of you to emotionally support each other. It's all part of recovering and rebuilding. It is real work, but worth it. You will have so much more of a marriage through this process - and will learn the keys to responsible loving. <P>Keep on keeping on. You are doing great. Don't be discouraged.

once, i think i know what you mean. it's like after all is said and done everyone goes back to what they were doing before the affair. the more things change the more they remain the same.<BR>my w and i are in the same groove or rut we were in before the affair. of course i've learned some things and i try to be a better listener and she wants to work on our sex life but still we march on to the same drummer.

Thankyou for the responses.....<P>It helps me so much to realize that almost everything I'm feeling, or doing is normal.<P>Star Dazz: Those first few weeks (months) are so emotional and so frightening. Please hang on, remember that bad things happen, and we discover strength we didn't know we had. Be good to yourself. Be your own best friend. How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Are you talking to someone?<BR>There a many people on this forum that really care. <P>Crazy or What/Texas Man:<BR>I've thought about this (too much I know), but we can be alone even when the one we love is sitting right next to us. I wish there was a magic wand to wavw over our spouses head, that made everything all right again......I do know that we will all make it! Thanks for your support.<P>TrustNtruth:<BR>THANKS! I had not looked at these feelings this way.....on the road to recovery (finally). As I struggle with this I'll remember you words......I hope that the others find the same "aahaa" reaction to it. You are so right! I miss the connection, and want it back. I mourn the loss of the "natural connection" but maybe this is our chance to create the connection the way we want it to be! <P>frankie: I have thought that too....same old groove, ripe for another affair.....But we are wiser now. We are ever vigilant watching for the signs......We avoid the conflict....This has also been my experience, and we slide back into that. Not sure how to deal with it. Maybe someone here can offer some advise....<P>Any other takes on this are appreciated!