I was wondering if anyone had it to do over. Would they rather go on not knowing about the affair or not telling about it depending on which side of the fence you fall.<BR>Please be honest. <BR>I know the book says total honesty about everything but does anyone feel it hurt them more than helping to restore what was lost because of the affair.<BR>Does anyone feel that they might have made their marriage work if they just would have worked on what was wrong with the marriage in the first place without disclosure of infidelity.

Alright it is painfully clear that no one cares about my question<BR>Leaving internet to go home and sulk.<BR>I feel so discouraged.

No sulking......<BR>Well first off, I wish I had realized how unhappy I was and that I really needed to do something about it before I had the affair. But on the other hand, I think it woke me up that the kind of relationship I wanted was really out there. Now the trick is to see if I can turn my marriage into that type of relationship. But right or wrong, I sometimes wish I hadn't told. Actually, I never did tell him I was as attached as I really was. On the other hand, me telling H seemed to shake him up. So I don't know. I think telling him gave me a way to tell him I was unhappy. I'd tried so many times before, but I just couldn't seem to tell him in a way he understood. Not that that's an excuse for having the affair of course, but I guess when I look at it that way, I'm sorry I hurt my H, but I'm not sorry about the affair if that's what it took to wake us both up & say hey, there really is a problem here. Well, sorry I waffled so much here, probably didn't end up helping you at all, but at least you know you're not being ignored. Thanks for responding to mine as well

Unforgiven, there were a lot of posts on my thread about this subject that you might want to re-read. There were many different opinions to basically the same question you are asking. I will try to find it and bring it up for you to read...<P>I'm sorry to say it guys, but I am still leaning towards not saying anything about my affair to H! After seeing everything that has happened to all of you, I'm not sure that it wouldn't drive me straight off a cliff if it happened to me..... I know this disappoints some of you... but I'm sorry. Right now... I am hanging on by a thread as it is.... just trying to keep the marriage working. I think that we would have to be at a pretty great point in our marriage before he would be able to accept it and move on and forgive me. Right now.... there is no way he would...<P>

Well, my H didn't have a full-blown affair, he had/maybe still has an inappropriate friendship that I believe got physical on one occasion, during a business trip 1-1/2 years ago.<P>Would I want to know the gory details of what, if anything happened? <P>NO.<P>Why not?<P>Because, again, WHAT WOULD IT DO FOR ME? Would it help our marriage? Would it make me feel better? NO; it would only hurt.<P>I know that Hummingbird (who hasn't posted in a while, so I hope that means everything's OK) ended her EMA and was trying to rebuild her marriage without disclosure. Some here would say that's not feasible, I disagree.<P>I think that if a betrayer voluntarily breaks off an affair (like FoxyLady here) and is truly committed to the marriage and to opening communication with the spouse, it MAY not be necessary to "come clean." However, if the spouse wants to know where all this new attitude is coming from, it might be better to confess an affair that's OVER than have the spouse worry about one that's still going on.

unforgiven,<P>Sorry I wasn't around ealier to answer your question. I am on the side of the betrayed and my answer is, Yes, I would want to be told about infidelity. Number one, the safety factor concerning STD's, which H tested positive for and just lucky for me that my tests came back O Kay. Number two, I want to know who I am living with. Yes this has been extremely painful to go through but I don't want to live in a lie and think I have trust, committment and faithfullness when I don't. I feel it would not be fair in any sense to decieve someone you are suppose to love, honor and cherish. My eyes have been opened wide and I intend to keep it that way. I was hurt before, and nieve to think it wouldn't happen again with my H. Stupid, maybe. I am a very trusting person, but this has taught me that there are no absolutes in anything, no matter how much we want to believe that. None of us are perfect and I didn't put H on a pedistal but I did trust him 100%. Mainly becasue he never seemed that interested in sex. Was always a problem for us and then he does this. And as time goes on I keep finding out more. Extreme pain, you bet. But I want the cold truth. Because I feel anyway, if you don't know and are never told sometime, later down the line you will discover the truth and then it would be even harder to take knowing you had been under the wrong impression of who you had committed yourself and life to. I have thought, what if he never told me. But how would we get closer. The quilt would eat on the betrayer, well some betrayers and cause them to disconnect from the one who loves and trusts them. Besides, I would feel my H had absoulutely no respect for me what so ever if he had not told me. Of course, if he had respected me like I thought he wouldn't have been unfaithful. He had always said in the past that he had too much respect for me and our marriage to cheat. So much for that.<P>Sorry, so long, I rambled didn't I. But, yeah, even though I am crawling out of that dark tunnel, If I had this to live over again I would want the truth. I have been lied to in the past by someone and this is one thing I have a hard time with, being lied to. I will find a way to deal with it somehow but tell me the truth, all of it. <P>And I believe my H still has more to tell me, but is holding back. I told him I want all of it out now so I can deal with everything and not get better with my emotions only to have my heart crushed again after I work so hard at getting through this. But I think he is afraid if he tells me more I will give up on him and run as hard as I can in the other direction. I can't say what I would do, I do love him and want if possible to work through this. If he works on his problems and committs to this marriage like I thought he did when we married. Time will tell and I am still waiting for the other shoe to fall so to speak. But I cannot LB to get the truth so I will have to remain patient. Very difficult when you want to just say, Enough already just get it over with and be HONEST.<BR>No secrets, no lies, just the truth please.<BR>I feel those who have been betrayed deserve that.

Hi,<BR>I never posted to the board before, but have been lurking since D day (5 months ago)and the board has helped me tremendously. I don't think it's that no one cares about your question. Maybe it's just that there isn't anyone who feels that they can answer that question. Personally, I think that even though I wish I never found out about my H's betrayal, I know that had I not found out I would have never been working on my marriage. I never want to experience pain like this again, but on the other hand I'm thankful for the "wake up call" and oddly enough, my marriage is better now than it ever was. H and I treat each other with so much more love and respect now. I guess the old saying that "you don't know what you have until it is gone" is true. Almost losing him has helped me see just how important he is to me. I had forgotton that. So I guess in answer to your question, it is better that I found out, and even though I know things will never be the same, I don't regret knowing. I'm thankful that I did find out and was given the chance to save my marriage.

Hi Unforgiven -<P>My goodness but you are not doing well with your "Patience" today - are you?<P>No sulking....things don't always happen as quickly as we want!!! LOL!!!<P>Onto your question......<P>Hmmmm....I would DEFINITELY want to be told. No relationship exists without knowing and understanding the partner...<P>Something so serious can not be omittied from the perception of who a person is and why that person says or does things. Those are the basis that we all go on in our interactions with our spouses and if one person isn't seeing the whole picture than the relationship is off kilter. <P>Does that make sense?<P>If you are truly a partner and on the same team.....you both have to know what is happening in the game!!!! Otherwise the offense turns to defense cuz nobody told them of the changes!!!<P>Without honesty - there is no reality!!<P>My husband tried this....didn't work only because I KNEW that something was up and I am sure that most other spouses do too!!! Maybe not an exact cause for their feeling that something is wrong or different - but they definitely feel something.<P>That "feeling" will make their imagination and speculation go wild!!!<BR>That in itself can be so destructive to the marriage.<P>The question is not whether to tell...it should be How do I explain why?<P>The betrayed should be able to work through the pain, etc. pretty well IF the betrayer gives an explanation and shows a willingness to work at bettering the marriage through actions....not just words!!!!<P>So, it's not in the telling....it's in the 'NOW WHAT?" AND then THE DOING!!!!<P>Did I even come close to helping you with anything here? Lol!!<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

I some times I wish I had not told H about what I had done, I would not be going through this now if I didn’t. But I would be going through it later, telling the truth may hurt but in the end it is the best thing to do. My H and I ARE going to work it out, and I won’t have any thing to hide from him ever again to hurt us.<P>Lesa<P><P>------------------<BR>Take care and God Bless.<P><BR>

A lot of people told me that I should have taken it (one night stand) to the grave and never had told my H. Sometimes I feel like that, but in essense I'm happy I told him. Though it feels like hell sometimes, I know in my heart that I am not living I lie. He deserved to know. He deserves the right to chose to be with me or not. Though I pray we can get pass everything, God gives us all free will. It's his choice. I just hope our love stands such a great test. You know before I told my H, he told me that he had this horrible feeling that I did. SO I strongly feel that whatever you do in the dark will come out in the light. It's better to hear it from the horses mouth, than a bunch of strangers. Sorry I didn't answer sooner, but I was gone all day!<P><P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>

You know there was a time when things were really bad that I thought I would of rather been in the dark. I had been in the dark for so long anyway I thought why ever find out about the stinking affair! I had lived in blind love for over a decade while my H was living a double life with the OW. The hurt was so bad and the "brain pain" was even worse and I would of given anything for a little anesthesia!<P>That was then! Now I can look at things more clearly and with alot more hope and I am reminded that God knows all things. He knew about it from its inception and He knew the hurt I was to go through. I am His child and have to trust that this too was intended for my good in the long run.<P>So, thats my 2 cents worth. As I've said in other posts, recovery is a process and we all go through it as best we can. Most of us are learning as we go along.<P>Sorry unforgiven, I didn't see your post until tonight.<P>Taj

I wish I had done more to work on my marriage before the affair happened. <BR>I wish I had never found out. But that he had broken it off and we started working on us. This is just too difficult for me. I'm having to hard of a time to say I'm glad I know about it. If I hadn't found out about it, my husband wouldn't have moved out. Then when this fizzled, things might have been ok. <BR>I would rather be kept in the dark about it and realize that there is a problem and just work on it.

My wife choose to not tell me about her first affair for five years. During that five year period our marriage didn't get better, it got worse. I remember her asking me during this time what I would do if she had an affair. Not knowing she had already had one I told her I would divorce her. She then used this as an excuse for not telling me. When she finally did tell me five years after the fact, I didn't know what to say. I couldn't believe she would keep this secret from me for five years. I couldn't and still don't understand what right she had to keep me from knowing what had happened. When she did tell me, it was not that much of a suprise. I had suspected something was going on at the time, but was to afraid to ask. When she did finally tell me, I figured things with us were ok or why else would she still be with me. I did not work on the marriage or try to understand why the first affair happened. My wife then had another affair this year. She also did not learn anything from her first affair. Finding out about the second affair, while it was going on really woke me up to the problems our marriage had. I changed. <P>I really resent the attitude that my wife had that she did not feel I could handle hearing about her first affair five years ago. Who is my wife to judge whether or not I could deal with the news. The lack of trust and respect that she showed me is what I believe is part of the reason I was the way I was. Drank to much, became addicted to the computer, etc. <P>Not respecting your spouse enough to tell them about the affair is trying to take the easy way out, plan and simple. Your asking for trouble. Have the courage to let your spouse decide what they want to do with the information. You not telling is trying to control your spouse by deciding what they should or shouldn't know. I would not want to be married to such a person and don't think to many people would.<P>As I was always tought, always tell the truth, no matter how painful, (unless your spouse is mentally unstable, and then you need some professional help in dealing with the situation, not your judgement alone).

Hi unforgiven. I think most here would have gotten around to answering your question, given a little bit o' time <P>This is my very unwavering and diehard perspective of the matter..<P>I not only NOT regret telling my husband, I don't think our marriage would have lasted had I NOT told him of my affair. Every spouse has the right to know the the complete truth, no secrets, no lies. And even omission by lies..not acceptable.<P>I would not have been able to go on without telling my husband of my affair, simply because I knew he was in our marriage under false pretenses because he didn't know. He had the right to know what I had done, and the right to choose whether to go forward and heal, letting me show him how much I truly loved him, or whether to leave. I thought he would leave, which he did for a short time, and then returned. <P>Telling the spouse as a means of getting the guilt off of your chest is not a good way to describe the confession of infidelity. Yeah, it surely does lift a huge weight, there is no doubt. But the real and most important reason that confession (IMO) is so necessary, is that your spouse and you have a union, and there should be no deception involved with this. None whatsoever. If you have this deception, this secret that never comes out, the closeness and intimacy two married people share will never be fully realized. And the rift it creates only becomes bigger after time, not smaller. I saw this because I waited half a year before confession. And I saw it getting worse, my insecurity, his distancing. We were oceans apart.<P>Yes, I'm certain if I had not told my husband because I KNOW that he needed to know and make his decision, that my guilt would have eaten me alive. We are now recovering, and it certainly doesn't happen overnight. It can take several years sometimes. But if you love your spouse enough to be honest with him/her, and you're also willing to go the distance to prove to them that you'll do whatever it takes to show them that you do love them, you can make it...two parties willing.

I personally would not have survived this marriage not knowing completely about the affair. We were in counselling when he had the affair and I believed something was getting in the way of our recovery and I pushed and (as he puts it) "tricked" him into admitting something "might" be going on. He was screwing her at the time and yet only admitted to talking with her, but I knew that night it was much more than he let on, too much to get past in counselling without honesty.<BR>I asked him his input in it and he said he was angry at first for being tricked into revealing the affair but he's over it. I wonder though sometimes if what I did was right? The counsellor said I did what I needed to do at the time but that doesn't make me feel any better, especially when he admits to the anger and doesn't elaborate on it. It still hurts a little that I had to go to such lengths to get him to admit it in the open, that he didn't think he could come to me and tell me whats up. The lack of honesty always hurts when your partner lies to you, it hurts worse than the knowing that they exposed you to disease, took away time from you and the family, betrayed your vows, the lack of honesty hurts more than anything else. <BR>It may seem to some that they wish they hadn't revealed their affair but weather or not they realize it it will always stand in the way of their recovery in not revealing it. Partners do sense something more, they do sense lies and deceit. They may not confront the lying partner about it as that will show a lack of trust but they do sense it and it would block any kind of recovery you attempt to do. <BR>I hope that things going well for those in recovery after revealing the truth. It is HARD to get through this phase but it is a phase and if you work hard with your partner it is something you can get past! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P>

We could not start building our marriage until the truth came out, 2 yrs. later. The guilt was killing me and hindering our relationship. I regret that i was in the place i was to have the A in the first place, never thought i would have been so low in self-esteem. He knew but he didn't know from my mouth, you know what i mean. However, he had started a "friendship" with a secretary at his office and began an A with her,(i think) after he learned the truth about me. The hurt was unbearable. But we grew closer than i had ever felt to him, and the love and affection was a dream come true. Where did we fail though, he now has an appt. with a paid escort this month- I'm very confused. So, telling the truth has pro's and con's. The repurcussions(did i spell that correctly)? could be devastating.

My wife told me about her affair 2 weeks after it started, mainly because we always told us the truth & she couldn't handle lying any longer. It was very painful, even physically- t was the most intense pain I have ever have, it was on my chest, it was heavy. Still feel it from time to time although not as hard as those first days before finding MB. Now sometimes says she wishes she never told me because it's has become "such a big deal" (like if it was a small ordeal). We have talked about the problems in our marriage (or rather, my LB's) but the affair continues & she says our marriage is over and that there is no hope for us even if she eventually ends the affair.<P>I still prefer that she told me. The affair is painful but what was worse is that she was able to lie looking at me straight in the eye for 2 weeks- definitely not the person that I married.<P>Even if the marriage can't recover, the opportunity of knowing what pushed her to the affair & what my mistakes have been are a blessing.<P>Alex<P>------------------<BR>Live and learn

Hmmm. It is good you are asking the question. As you can tell, the answers are somewhat mixed, as it should be. I think everyone's case is different. Dr. Harley says that most marriages in which there are no children do no survive an affair. You'll notice that the vast majority of people here have children.<BR>So my advice (definately unprofessional) is that if you do not have children, and you truly want to keep your marriage, do NOT confess. Get therapy, definately get tested for STD's, do whatever you need to do to make sure it never happens again. Also, I believe people who are dealing with a potentially dangerous or abusive situation (i.e. Lacee for instance) should not confess.<P>They say about 60% of marriages survive an affair. I'm guessing those are only the ones in which the affair is "known". That is better than 50/50. If you honestly believe that your marriage will fail if you do NOT confess, or if you don't care if your marriage fails, then by all means, confess. You and your spouse have nothing to lose. <P>One of the posters thought it was disrespectful not to confess. I tend to vascillate on that one. I'm guessing the fact that his wife had a second affair might be contributing to this feeling. If her affair had happened a long time ago, and a second affair never happened, I've got to think that the spouse might at least not have any OP to deal with on top of the pain of discovery. <P>Me? I regret confessing. I may say otherwise in 10 yrs or so (K says he's waiting till 2010 to get me to admit it . But right now, I honestly wish I had not. My ex was very verbally abusive. He kept me around till he got all his anger out of his system (about a year), like a beat up 'ol punching bag, then filed for divorce a week after I found out my mom had cancer. Like Lacee said, I was hanging by a thread when I confessed, and very nearly did drive myself off of a cliff. Nope. I absolutely wish I did NOT confess. Like I told Lacee in another post, the only people here are those whose marriages are still in existence, or people who think their marriages can recover from infidelity. That is why the responses are so skewed towards the go-ahead-and-confess side... Think about it long and hard though.