Ok, I haven't been posting much for a while, because I've been trying to completely reopen my heart to my H. So, here is an update..... (Long one)<P>H & I had been seeing each other several times a week (with sleepovers when possible). Things had been looking up and up and up. I was ready to recommitt fully (even move back in togeter), I had put the divorce settlement on the back burner because things were going so well. We were getting along great, and I was feeling happy again. And very much in love... I have alway loved my H, but it was becoming so much stronger again.<P>He gave me a gift for Christmas, and a card that ment more to me than anything else in the world... it said how he hopped "our world will grow a little smaller, our love will grow a little bigger...." and inside he wrote how he knew that 1999 was not our best year, and things had been really tough, but that the new year was full of promise, and that we would be working on rebuilding us. I cried when I read it, and I cried all the way home that night because it had made me so very very happy.<P>I had made plans to go to visit relatives out of state for the holidays, and I knew he had wanted to go see his family too. I had already given him his present.... I gave him the money for the plane ticket home for Christmas. I truly wanted him to be happy, even though we wouldn't be spending the holidays together. He asked me to call him on his cell phone on Christmas day, and I tired several times during the day to call him. I wasn't able to get through, and I cried myself to sleep that night. I wanted to be with him on Christmas day.... not 1000's of miles apart. And then, I couldn't even get ahold of him to talk to him. <P>Well, I called him as soon as I got home, and he was really mad at me. I explained to him (or tired to) that I tried to call him at least 20 times... I kept getting busy circuits, or a strange cellular message. He doesn't believe me. He was also hurt that I had plans for the 2 days right after I got back, and then he had to work the next 3 nights..... I told him I would try to call him, and that made him mad because I said I would TRY.... I was being honest with him..... he was hurt.... I appologiezed and appologized. <P>I told him I would call the next afternoon... (plans were uncertain & my grandmother was in the hospital). At 5pm he called me and was angry... then he hung up on me. I called him later that night when I got home... and appologized some more. He said he didn't feel like he was important to me.... I told him he was wrong....<P>We ended up fighting, he said he didn't feel like talking anymore righ then, and I told him to call me when he did want to talk. That was last Wednesday.<P>I didn't hear from him at all... I called him on New Year's Day and left a voice mail that simply said I wanted to wish him a happy new year.<P>I didn't hear back from him until This Wednesday night... he called & left a message that said "We need to talk". <P>After all the wonderful things that have been happening for us... all the GOOD things and the HAPPY times we have had, now he said he doesn't want to try anymore. If he doesn't hear from my lawyer by Monday the 17th, he will call his lawyer and see what he can do about my "attempts to delay the divorce".<P>I'm devistated, I'm confused. Mostly... I'm hurting again. I said befor that I wanted to be sure.... his card made me 100% sure. I was sure that he loved me, that he was committed to working on us. I gave 110% of myself to him again..... and now this.<P>I just don't know if there is anything left anymore. I feel empty and dead inside. How could me not calling early enough make him feel this way?? Doesn't he realize that there are so many good and wonderful things and just this one bad thing. He hit a little bump in the road, and it completely derailed everything. I'm angry because I have delt with so many Big bumps, so many time that he has told me with his actions that I am not important to him, and yet I kept moving forward. <P>Thanks for letting me vent (again). I just don't know where to go next..... I don't know what to do next. Any ideas?<P>Butterfly with broken wings.<P><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

I can't understand it either. Try to let him cool down and talk when he isn't so angry. I can understand the hope you had and will pray he will come out of whatever has taken hold of him.

Butterfly,<P>I am so sorry, I was wondering where you went to.<P>I do have one suggestion, but it involves the frying pan so I'll keep it to myself for now.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Butterfly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>Just call me - Deb<BR>------------------------<BR>The only day I can do anything about is today, yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not yet mine.<P>

{{{{{{{{{{{{{butterfly}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I cried at your post...I never do that here. My prayers are with you...extra helpings at that!<P>Peter<P>------------------<BR>"Love isn't someplace that we fall, it's something that we do"--Clint Black<BR>

Let's hope it all gets resolved in your best interest.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks for the replys... I still don't get it, but I really don't think I ever will. I put in a call to my lawyer yesterday, and will wait until I hear back from her.<P>Janie... I don't know if I can wait that long. He tends to hang on to stuff... it took him a week before he even called me, and I know he stewed and probably still is. He will dwell on the "wrong" I have done to him, and how he is not important to me.... he will convince himself even more that it is true.<P>Deb... Well, if it was to bury it sideways through his skull.... I thought of that already. As well as a few other choice places. I think cl was wanting to take it to the ocean though... so maybe I'll lend it to her.<P>Peter... Thanks for the extra prayers. They are always much appreciated. <P>FHL... Thanks, I hope so too. I beginning to reconsider what would be in my best interest (again). <P>I guess I'll just have to find some splints for now, and wait for my wings to heal. <P>B<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

Thanks for the replys... I still don't get it, but I really don't think I ever will. I put in a call to my lawyer yesterday, and will wait until I hear back from her.<P>Janie... I don't know if I can wait that long. He tends to hang on to stuff... it took him a week before he even called me, and I know he stewed and probably still is. He will dwell on the "wrong" I have done to him, and how he is not important to me.... he will convince himself even more that it is true.<P>Deb... Well, if it was to bury it sideways through his skull.... I thought of that already. As well as a few other choice places. I think cl was wanting to take it to the ocean though... so maybe I'll lend it to her.<P>Peter... Thanks for the extra prayers. They are always much appreciated. <P>FHL... Thanks, I hope so too. I beginning to reconsider what would be in my best interest (again). <P>I guess I'll just have to find some splints for now, and wait for my wings to heal. <P>B<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>There are deep sorrows and killing cares in life, but the encouragement and love of friends were given us to make all difficulties bearable. <BR>-- John Oliver Holmes<P>The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.<BR>-- Elie Wiesel<P><BR>

hi butterfly,<BR>Correct me if I am mistaken, but in the past I thought he was the one that did not call or show when expected? Then he lashes out at you for what he perceives as the same beahvior. So, is it guilt that is controlling him now? <BR>Looks like a few need the frying pan this week.

cl, <BR>Yes, that is typically his behavior. Show up late, not call... not show up at all.<P>You mentioned something that set off a lightbulb.... guilt.<P>Maybe the guilt of what he has been doing is getting to him. Either that or the Twinky is leaving her H.... I don't know.<P>I definately think he is in the running for the pinhead award!<P>I'll share the fryin' pan as soon as I can dilodge it from his skull... just make sure to wipe all the fingerprints off. <P>B<p>[This message has been edited by Butterfly (edited January 08, 2000).]