I am a 38-year-old female entering the 10th year of a relationship with a man who, 7 months ago, confessed to having a 3-year affair with a married woman we both worked with. Since his admission (and choice to stay with me) last May, we have worked diligently on ways to restore trust and intimacy in our relationship. We have gone to counseling, read books (including Dr. Harley’s) and changed many patterns of behavior in positive ways. While he tells me he feels more in love and emotionally connected to me now than he has in years, he admits he is having deep problems relating to me sexually. <BR> He says his lack of desire has nothing to do with my appearance, technique, or eagerness – all of which he still finds attractive. The problem, he says, is a conceptual one. He finds that he can no longer easily get aroused unless certain conditions are met – such as secrecy, mystery and pursuit. <BR> For example, he never had intercourse with his lover because he wanted to keep a perpetual tease going. As a result, he has idealized what the act would be like with her and can no longer perform it with me. Our sexual contact (which we agree was extremely rich for many years) is suddenly restricted to acts which mirror his experiences with her but are, as he admits, less satisfying because they lack the distinctive mythology he created with her.<BR> He says he can no longer differentiate between lust for the lifestyle (which invariably changed once their secret was revealed) and lust for his lover (who rejected him once she found out he was returning to me). Either way, he continues to covet the experience and genuinely feels terrible about it. <BR> I realize that underlying issues within our relationship such as fears relating to intimacy, unresolved anger or poor communication may be part of the problem. The larger concern, however, is that he suffers from a sexual dysfunction which manifested in childhood and has gone unchecked throughout his life.<BR> He has begun to go to individual counseling to try and address the situation, but I’m wondering if there are other resources available to us which could help. Does anyone have experience in this area? I am open to all suggestions and/or information that will benefit us as a couple. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.<P>-- Fiore<P>P.S. Sorry about the "smiley face" icon. I punched the wrong button (CLEARLY!) when posting.<p>[This message has been edited by Fiore (edited January 07, 2000).]

Hi Fiori,<P>I'm spending a little time looking over the board tonite and your post caught my eye. I can see from your profile you're fairly new here. Comparatively, I'm an old-timer. Been here a year. I hope you take my "welcome" in the proper context. It's "good news, bad news" that you've found us, eh?<P>Your situation is a bit different than many of us here but not totally rare, not totally different. I'd bet that if pushed hard enough, a lot of guys would admit some emotional discomfort after returning from infidelity. I did.<P>Putting that aside for the moment, something else struck me in your post: your description of the "conceptual", "idealized" lust your H appears to crave. Does it sound like another sort of self-abusive behavioral pattern? Addiction.<P>Yep, if you haven't already come across it in your reading, the experiences of infidelity can be very similar to those of dependence on drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. They are a major high... a totally natural, self-induced one. And, I'd bet just about every betrayer here has experienced it. Again...I speak from personal experience.<P>How to proceed? Sounds like you've taken some prudent steps. Counselling, reading, talking. Taking little steps towards intimacy again. He's going thru his own personal variant of withdrawal. So, use every technique you can think of to be supportive, yet firm. Just like treating an addict. And, a cherished loved one.<P>Hope this helps. Keep posting, you may find others here with some good experiences to share. May you find what you need here.

Dear Fiore,<BR>I don't know if this helps at all...but I have heard of people who are actually addicted to the 'danger' of sex, ie: affairs, secrecy, the thrill of the pursuit, the ones who are unavailable, ect. I think that when couples are together a long time, they miss the excitement of the pursuit. Especially if it is 'forbidden territory.' What's that old saying, 'we always want what we can't have?' Well, something like that. Just a suggestion, you might try 'being together' in different places, (except in public, of course!) Like: in a woodsy area nearby, meeting at a romantic, dark, secluded place. Go parking in the car. Just a suggestion. If he suffers impotence, first rule out if it is physical. Most cases are emotional, but the physical should be checked out by a urologist. My husband had that problem for awhile. He used injections, only for a short time, then his problem seemed to just disappear. Now, of course, viagra is working wonders for couples.