I just read Lor's post and she talked about her 14 yr old not liking her dad. First of all I am sorry for your pain I know exactly how you feel. I also have a child (15) who will not have anything to do with her dad. She says she hates him and does not ever want to talk to or see him again. She hasn't seen him for three months and before that she barely even aknowledged him. I don't know what to do. He blames me. Thinks I am making her hate him. He does'nt realize that what he did affected her as well. Now my twin 9yr olds are starting to not want to see him, and he is really getting angry with me. I know how these kids feel and I know that if my father ever did thiat to my mother I would have hated him to. I don't think that I should force them to see him, but I don't want them to suffer from not having a relationship with both parents. What has anyone else done in this situation?<P>Deb

Deb<P>I have a similar situation with my 14 and 16 yr old daughters.<P>While they are willing to see their dad they will only see him if he comes to our home to see them. They have not pulled any punches with their dad as to how they feel about what he has done. Some times they are horrible to him. He has to shoulder that. There isn't anything I can do to protect him for their reactions to his actions. If I were to tell them they had to see their dad it would most likely push them further away from him. <P>The big differance in yours and my situation is my H does not blame me for their anger towards him. He knows what he has done and is still doing is wrong and isn't using me as a scapegoat to make himself believe his children don't recognize what an awful things he has done to us all. I do give him credit for that.<P>What I have tried to do with my daughters is explain their dad, even though doing wrong, is still their dad who does and always will love them. Some times they want to see him, but they usually have their own plans on the one day a week he chooses to see them. Part of it is a teenage thing and part of it is the realization that their dad is not the saintly perfect man they always believed him to be.<P>At their ages, and your daughters too, they have to be the one to decide how and when they wish to deal with their dad and what he has done.<P>There is nothing you can do to return their dad to the status he once held with his children. He has to be the one to do that, if it's possible. I doubt my girls will ever see their dad in the same light they once did, even if we do end up together again. And that is one of the most difficult burdens my heart has to bear.<P>The teenage years are tough enough to have to deal with without the pain of your H's actions on top of them.<P>Perhaps there is a good book on how teens react to parents affairs that you could pick up and share with your H. <P>Even though he is blaming you on the outside for his children's reluctance to see him I'm sure he knows in his heart it is he who has brought this all on himself. He'll eventually realize this. Hopefully before it is too late.<P>God Speed<P>FC<P>

Deb,<BR>Our 17 year old has not spoken to her father since the day he left, over ten months ago. I think she got it right when she said that he probably thinks he loves his children, but he doesn't know how to love. For the most part, he ignores her. My 19 year old will speak to him, but he knows she is angry. He took her out for her birthday, but other than that and driving her a few places, he has made no effort to spend any time with her. He has hardly ever contacted her, and then mostly to try to convince her that if she doesn't get financial aid next year it will be my fault. Both girls say they no longer have a father. Because the older one still acts civil toward him, I don't think he has a clue how angry she is.<P>For Christmas, he left them each a card with money. In the older girl's card, he said he would give her another present when he next saw her. In the 17 year old's card, he said he would give her another present when she asked for it. <P>I do not think that the remaining parent should tell the children her opinion on whether the betrayer still loves them. Certainly my older daughters would not believe me if I claimed that he did.