I feel these moments of anger and dislike from my husband. I keep reminding myself it's for the kids. I look at them and don't want to break their world. I get so terribly discouraged.<p>[This message has been edited by TryingAgain (edited August 26, 1999).]

So do I... I'm trying so hard and she's made up her mind to leave... just having a hard time telling the kids since our youngest has had some troubles and we're both worried what this might do to him...<P>I'm sick every day, weak in the knees and shake... I struggle to get work done and I'm just worn out.

I'm sorry you are feeling discouraged.<P>Remember, love is a choice and a verb. Sometimes you won't feel that loving feeling, but you choose it anyway. I certainly didn't like my husband or feel very loving when he was cheating on me. But I chose to love him anyway. Sometimes that feeling comes and goes, but the choice is commitment.

Well said, TrustNTruth.<P>Do not stuff your feelings or berate yourself for anything you feel, but you can choose your words and behavior.<P>I stayed for my kids, too...although I think I would have stayed regardless because my commitment. My story is not as severe as most.<P>You may find the threads on the forgiveness workbook interesting right now. They are Forgiveness Workbook discussion, Legitimate Anger, #3 Uprooting Bitterness.<P>Hope it helps, even a little.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thank you.

Are there any tools or blueprints for what the betrayer should do to rebuild the marriage? Any plan A or B?

Dear Trying Again,<P>I've never heard of one. In my marriage, I've had to do it alone. I was betrayed.<P>But here's what I would say, from a different perspective:<P>Plan A<BR>No lovebusters Emotional Honesty Policy of Joint Agreement Commitment to meeting each other's emotional needs <P><BR>No lovebusters would be not seeing op, not accepting calls from op, doing as many things possible to deposit in the account love units, no angry outbursts, refusing to blame anyone, looking forward not back.<P>I would also look at getting enough sleep, do more planning of shared activities, end activities that are not productive, read books, go to church, start a joint project in the house or in the community, volunteer together, make future plans together, set some mini goals together and accomplish them, set bigger goals, financial accountability, schedule accountability, etc. etc.<P>

trying again,<P>I like your idea of a blueprint for the betrayer for rebuilding the marriage. There is so much good on this board, so much insight. but to me, there is something missing. How does the betrayer, who usually has fallen out of love with their spouse, go about getting those feelings back? <BR>

It sounds like we should follow the blueprint for maintaining a good marriage. Thank you TNT. I am outwardly doing all I can but I am having a tough time. <P>I was just thinking that I have a conflict between emotional honesty and no lovebusting. <p>[This message has been edited by TryingAgain (edited August 26, 1999).]

I don't think I would if I were you....<P>It would be me like saying to my husband - gee I fantasize about sex with someone else everytime we make love, because i can't stand the thought of you touching me after you touched her!<P>Or - What do you mean, what's for dinner? Wasn't the dinner you had with her good enough?<P>We can't say what we are thinking, but we can learn to isolate and separate issues to feelings....<P>Like the assertive communication crash course I took - thanks to ChrisCA(123). It is learning how to communicate without being passive aggressive, a conflict avoider, a whiner, a blamer, an angry outburster....<P><BR>It is the I feel stuff: I feel _________ when (this happens). I need _______________________________.<P>It helps us communicate openly and honestly, and helps us to isolate the issues - keeping us from being overwhelmed. <P>For instance, my husband likes to sing "In the still of the night" - and it makes a reference to every time they hear the song they will think of each other. It is a trigger for me. I don't need to hear that song for the rest of my life. I saw him with tears as he was singing it. I told him not to sing that song around me anymore. (Lovebuster). He only came back with a comment about the tears were reminders of his kids..... (Bull crap.)<P>Anyhow, the next time it happened (He's a ditz and didn't get it...) I said, When you choose to play that CD with that song, it makes me feel like the wounds are open about how I feel betrayed. I need you to refrain from playing that CD around me. You have plenty of opportunities to play that CD in your truck driving when I'm not around. Out of respect for how I feel, I need you to put on something that doesn't make me feel so bad.<P>He hasn't played that song for about 4 weeks now. I could have decided by him playing the song that he cared about her, missed her, really didn't care about me, etc. etc. etc. And I would definitely lovebust if I jumped to all of those conclusions over him singing a lousy song. Instead, by isolating the issue and the feeling that followed, we were able to come to an agreement and save my feelings.<P><BR>Instead - the next time you feel that way, maybe say what exactly is bothering you. Identify the behavior - the feelings - and your needs.<P>I feel uncomfortable when those questions are presented to me, because it makes me have to relive.......and I need.........<BR>Can we resolve to..........<P>You know what I mean?<P>Or, when you burp at the table it makes me feel...... I need....... Can we resolve to.....<P>?????!!!<p>[This message has been edited by trustntruth (edited August 26, 1999).]

Thanks TNT. I want to print this post. You are so kind and helpful. <P>I'm going to edit my posts. What if my H reads them?<p>[This message has been edited by TryingAgain (edited August 26, 1999).]