I've been lurking for about five months now, and it has been comforting to see many of the feelings I've been going though are also shared by others.<P>I'm the betrayed, and when I discovered my H's affair he waffled for few weeks, (even left me to stay at the OW's house) before he decided it was all a big mistake, cut off all contact with the OW, and has been working hard to rebuild our marriage.<P>Right now I couldn't ask for a better H. He has been the perfect husband, better than he ever was, and has shown a great deal of remorse for what he has done. I suppose should be grateful. After all this is what I wanted. There are many here who pray for this from their spouse. When he left to be with her I threw myself into plan A, and fought hard to win him back, but now that I have him I'm starting to wonder if this is what I really wanted. <P>When he was with her my love for him was very intense, and I felt I had to get him back, but now I feel drained, numb, and wonder if I even have any love for him left. I look at him and wonder how I could stay with someone who has hurt me so badly. I know I'm as much to blame for the break down of our relationship as he is, but I can't think of anything that I've ever said or done to him that could compare to the hurt this whole thing has caused me.<P>In the begining, when I was trying to win him back, it was easy to avoid love busting, and filling his love bank, but now I'm having a hard time doing this because I no longer feel it. There are days when I wish I wouldn't have fought for him. I sometimes wish I would have let her have him. <P>I don't understand why I feel this way, and I'm wondering if anyone else is/has felt this way. I hope these feelings go away soon because they are interfering with the rebuilding of my marriage. Is it possible that my love bank is now empty? Why don't his efforts at filling my bank seem to make any difference? <P>Bonnie

My situation is a little different, but I know exactly what you mean. My W is at home and says that she wants to rebuild our marriage, but I am in the situation of having a W that says that she loves me, but not like she used to. She also uses this as an excuse as to why she can't put more into rebuilding our marriage and making it better. I feel that it has been me, the betrayed, that has put forth this huge amount of energy to forgive and move on. I realize my part in creating a poor marriage, but like you, I have never done anything to compare to the pain that she has caused, and yet it is I that is working the hardest to make things better. I also feel that I am slowly losing love for my W. I have told her how I feel and I still have not seen the effort, the extra effort needed, to make things work, only sitting back waiting for me to provide ALL the sparks, I'm afraid that if she ever does feel what she once did, it will be me and not her that is left drained and empty of love.

((((((BONNIE))))))))<P>I too, know how you feel...i am one of what you would call 'the lucky ones'...like you, I have a remorseful H, he is trying to rebuild and make up for what has happened, he is here at home, he never left, never intended to, just hoped I would not throw him out....<P>it has been 3 months since discovery for us, and judging from what you posted, honey, you are tired...<P>tired of it all...i know....<P>he is trying, and you both want your marriage to survive this and be better....<P>you need to be easier on yourself..what you are feeling seems perfectly normal for someone who has (like me) been running on sheer desperation and adrenalin for some time now.....give yourself a break...<BR>why do you want someone who would hurt you this much??<P>because you love him.<P>don't forget or lose sight of that...you have fought hard....why???<P>LOVE.<P>Cherish each other...its more than alot of the people here have....we are lucky...alot of spouses don't even try...<P>you have LOVE.<P>hold on to it and realize you are tired and you are going through so many different emotions, stages and phases that grieving and survival bring with them...give yourself a hug, and ask for one from your H....<P>always listen to your soul...it will always tell you the truth<P>take care Bonnie, and do something just for you.....spoil yourself somehow...you deserve it.....<P>Dylan <P>------------------<BR>so maybe you wanted a martyr....just a regular gal would'nt do..but baby, I can't hang upon no lover's cross for you...Jim Croce