I accidently began using many of the tenents of Plan A, approximately 2 years ago this November. My husband had been having an affair with a married women in another city for one year at that time, but I did not know it until another whole year had passed. What I did know was that he was unhappy, felt separated from the family, angry all the time at everyone in the family, etc. He mentioned that he was considering a divorce or at least a separation. (The signs were all there, I was just blind to them) After reading several self-help books, (Dr. H's books NOT included) I began showing more appreciation, being more available, and even, more aggressive in sexual matters. I made more efforts to Keep "domestic" tranquility between our kids, as this was a chief complaint of my H. I had not heard of Dr. H at that time or the ten basic needs, but I finally "listened" to the complaints I had been brushing off as minimal in the previous years. I told him I was going to try some of the things I had been reading to improve our communiction and interactions. He said for me to "go ahead" but not to expect him to make any changes. He was tired of trying and did not believe anything could change. Slowly, I repeat, Slowly over the next 12 months our relationship began to change. He spent his vacations with us, instead of "visiting" his parents in Eroupe (yeah, right, I know better now). He became more easy going, less demanding and began responding, and even initiating sexual encounters. The whole time the OW was still in the picture but because I did not know about her the progress we were making was not tainted by resentment, anger etc. When I did find out about the OW I had "fallen in love" with my H again and in many ways he had fallen back in love with me, or was in the process of. I was not willing to give up easily but made it plain that all contact with her would have to stop or all the progress our marriage had made in the last year would go down the drain. Hubby was so confused it was almost funny. He could not deny his feelings for the Other Woman, but realized that having it both ways just was not going to work, now that I knew about his fantasy life. If we had not been "accidently" doing Plan A for all those months I don't think either one of us would have been very eager to save the marriage when I did find out about it. Our "bank savings accounts" for each other would have been close to bone dry. Having recaptured some of the positive feelings toward each other made him realize what we had was far more valuable than anything he could ever hope to have with the OW. His need for her in his life was gone. I WAS BACK! His feelings for me are growing daily now, and although I cannot speak for him, I think he thinks of me now, much more than he thinks of her.<P>My point in all this is to say that even if you are not getting the desired interest or response now for the efforts you are making to deposit love units. Even if it seems as if your efforts are not noticed, don't give up! You are expressing your love to change YOUR behavior, not his (hers). Your most basic, deepest feeling for your spouse is that you love him/her. All other feelings are not or should not be the driving force behind your behavior. Sure, you've been hurt, discouraged,resentful, devestated even. You've been more angry than you ever thought yourself capable of. But, NONE of these feelings will bring you peace. Peace can only come from those emotions and attributes associated with love. Patience, kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, etc. And hard as it may be to face, the need to even "love" the OP may fit in there somewhere, for you to find your own peace. ( This might be an interesting thought to address on a different chain of posts?)<P>This is not to say that expression of anger, pain, etc. should not take place, rather, those feelings can be expressed in ways that are constructive instead of destructive. Communication is the key here.<P>I hope I am not coming across as a "know it all" (Got that a lot when I was a kid.) This is just the way I think and express my thoughts. Please "beg to differ" if you like. Won't hurt my feelings, cos I truly do try to see things from the loving place in my soul. <P>Maybe I'll tell you about my conversation with the OW sometime!<P>Pax<P>PW<BR>

It was interesting reading your post about how long it may take. It sounds though like your husband never left home though. My wife has been in her apt for 10 days now. She jumped right into the affair (again). She had pulled back a little while at home for 3 weeks after I had confronted her, though she always planned to separate and move out. I was doing Plan A during those 3 weeks and Dr Chalmers has encouraged me to continue even though she is out of the house. We have a 2 1/2 yr old we are co-parenting, which may help her want to give us a chance? I have been telling her about the changes I have to make and will make now that I have been enlightened about emotional needs and making them a priority to meet them. I am still down because as Dr. told me and based on other posts, right now my wife is in total intense emotional attachment with the OM and there is not much I can do but wait and do PLAN A when i get opportunities.

PW, <P>I agree - it does take a VERY long time. I am in my 9th month of Plan A and I still have a long way to go. When I step back I see tremendous progress over the feelings she had for me 9 months ago. Our marriage is still not where I want it to be, but I hope we will eventually get there. <P>Also, as you stated, a very big benefit of Plan A was that I fell back in deep love with my W. She doesn't share that feeling at this time, but I enjoy having those strong feelings for her again. It makes giving so much easier. <P>I no longer look for instant results. I just take each day at a time. I give her my best and I make sure she knows how much I love her through action.<P>Thanks for your post - very encouraging <P>SHA

Plan A does work. Sometimes it doesn't take as long, though. <P>But I think the problem lies when we STOP plan A and go back to the way we were. We must learn and use what we learned forever! A good marriage will not be handed to you on a platter like before! That "easiness" of success is gone. But the success earned is soooo much more valuable.<P>I will live plan A the rest of my life. I will also use emotional honesty - without lovebusters as often as I can. The rewards of a rebuilt marriage are fantastic. The self esteem is up up up!<BR>

Thankyou, PW. <P>I found out about my h. emotional affair 7 months ago, and, although I've tried to be loving, I have been lovebusting much of the time. Some of these have been so intense, for both of us. Last week I've found this site. I'm only hoping that it isn't to late to begin plan A. He says he loves me but not with everything that he is-he feels no passion, only half-hearted. Etc. Sometimes, he sends confusing signals. Like if he thinks I'm upset or withdrawing from him, he'll reach for me. My counselor said its like he's motioning me closer while at the same time pushing me away. Anyone have any experience with those kinds of signals?

Thank you guys for your responses.<P>Trustin truth, I could not agree with you more. I wish there had been a course in high school which taught about meeting the needs of your significant other! I wish there had been a really good sex education class for that matter. <P>P.S. I think it is cool how the little (smiley face) changes when you post it!<BR>Discovered it by accident.