I've done a lot of reading here. Done a lot of thinking. After two years of H suffering depression and loss of job, I fell in love with OM. It was an emotional affair that I suffered alone - OM does not even know. I realize this was a symptom of problems in the marriage. But, now that H is over depression, and trying hard to work on marriage and such, I am feeling worse. I am avoiding OM (I've read the infidelity section). I think sometime before H's two year depression and the OM, I wanted the big D, but didn't. THe ole financial worry stuff. Now, I am not worried. I am greatly depressed and suffering anxiety attacks, especially when I have to go home to H. He is unemployed and home all the time. I really feel I need to leave. I am on medication now and that makes me feel even worse that I have to resort to that. Will Plan B give me the time and cushion (reduction of anxiety) to think things out? I am scared to even approach the D subject. I am terrified to even tell H of how exactly I am feeling - the OM or that I don't love him. H only knows that I am having problems, and wants to do all that he can. I can't even remember the last time I felt in love with H. I don't want him to touch me. I don't even have the desire to be around the OM. <BR>Is Plan B an option here?

Welcome <B>NavahoBlue</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>You've said you've been lurking for a while.<BR>So I won't give my normal welcome wagon spiel.<P>That being the case... you should realize one thing... the purpose of this forum is for the <B>building of marriages</B>!<P>Your story tends to confuse me just a bit.<BR>Are you desiring a divorce now with your H?<BR>or just a separation?<BR>Is there an active OM?<BR>Please clarify...<P>About <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A>...<BR>It is used after a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A> fails.<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> has nothing to do with maintaining an affair!<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan B</A> is used by a spouse who still feels that there is love left... and there is a possibility of an unwilling spouse (unwilling to rebuild) of returning to the marriage.<P>From your story... it seems like you(the wayward) have not even informed your H of the OM? Is that true?<BR>If so... He doesn't even know what he's fighting for... <B>Is that fair</B>?!<P>This forum is really here to work through and preserve your <B>marital</B> relationship...<P>If you are the wayward...<BR>1. Get rid of the OM...<BR>2. Go into <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>...<BR>3. Be honest and tell your H...<BR>4. Commit to you H...<BR>5. Prepare to make <B>extraordinary precautions guarantee separation from OM</B>...<BR><OL TYPE=a> <BR><LI> Changing jobs and relocating (Situation dependent)<BR><LI> Blocking all communication (phone, e-mail, pager, etc.)<BR><LI> Accounting for time<BR><LI> Accounting for money<BR><LI> Spending leisure time together<BR></OL><BR>6. Being to work on the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B><BR><OL TYPE=a> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>---------------------------------------<P>If all you are here for is how to leave your husband to save yourself some heartache...<BR>I'm sorry to say... <B>this</B> isn't that kind of place.<P>You'll have much greater satisfaction in saving your marriage... by #1 -> GET RID OF THE OM!<P>Let me recommend a book for you before you procede... you probably are aware of the 'bible' of this forum <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A>... but a more relavent book for you might be...<LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0393307077" TARGET=_blank><B>Private Lies :</B> Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy</A> by Frank Pittman!<P>Do post your questions...<BR>We are concerned with everyone who comes here... <BR>But... again this place is the palce for <B>Marriage Building</B>... we'll help you with this!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited January 08, 2000).]

EMA is over. I've removed myself from OM. Do I feel that I want a divorce? Yes. But I am on a roller coaster and this answer will change tomorrow. Does H know what he is fighting for? Probably not, but he is a poor listener. I have told him I was having an EMA. But, I don't think he realized what I meant. What I really need help with is do I have any feelings for H? Will I have to lose a lot to realize what I had? I am not looking for a separation to continue the EMA. I waited for EMA to subside, go away, become unaddicted. I waited to see afterward how I would feel about H.<BR>I like how this site slams you up one side of the head and down the other and really makes your think about your objectives, and really think about your feelings.<BR>I might think I want the D, but do I really. Am I looking for justification? No. I want someone to slam me upside the head, and say, you dummy. Look what you are doing. Look at what you are losing.<BR>So, roller coaster has changed. I'm looking for how I can recover the marriage. How do I recover my feelings for the marriage. If I want'd justification for D, I'd go to divorce.com or something. Actually, I get more justification for D from my Marriage counselor. But, he's seen both sides of the story.<BR>Got to go.

Navaho,<P>It makes sense that you wouldn't feel much different about your husband now then before you had the emotional affair. Doesn't sound like things have changed to much, so your feelings for your husband wouldn't either. The question you need to answer is do you want them to change. If you still care about your husband, and you do want things to change, your the only one that can start the ball rolling towards change. One way to do that might be to try and help husband through his depression. If you don't want them to change, and don't care about your husband anymore, then divorce would be the answer. <P>Anyway, <P>Good luck.

NavahoBlue,<P>Ok, you got it!!!!<P><B>What on earth are you doing!!!</B><P>Giving up on your relationship with your H <B>is</B> the worst thing you can do... not just for him... <B>but for YOU</B>.<P>He knows about the affair...<BR>and hasn't knock your noggin!!!!<BR>There is message here... H loves you...<P>Now what can you do about it...<BR>Go into a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... a <B>pure</B> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... a <B>hardcore</B><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... and watch will happen over time!<P>If you really want to see a speed up in recovery... apply the <B>Four rules to guide marital recovery</B><BR><OL TYPE=1> <BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Protection:</B> Avoid being the cause of your spouse's unhappiness.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Care:</B> Meet your spouse's most important <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Time:</B> Take time to give your spouse undivided attention.<BR><LI> <B>The Rule of Honesty:</B> Be totally open and honest with your spouse.<BR></OL><P>Get your H on this site!!!<P>If your counselor is advocating the D... fire him/her... <B>immediately</B>!!!<P>Get counseling (for both of you) from the Harley's... Start off with 2 <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7200_phone.html" TARGET=_blank>telephone counseling sessions</A> ($85US a pop... but well worth it) with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7010_about.html" TARGET=_blank>Steven W. Harley</A>. Check out the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counseling Center</A>... and for some specifics... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7015_fee.html" TARGET=_blank>Fees for Counseling Services</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7020_sched.html" TARGET=_blank>Scheduling an Appointment</A>! Not much more than an expensive night on the town... but what an enlightenment.<P>The people here are jumping through incredibly tight loops of fire to get there spouses to react... Your's sounds like one not to give up on... he hasn't given up on you!!!<P>I'm being forced through a divorce... It s***s the big one... You have no idea of the pain this is putting me through... my chidren too! Now my W decides that everything we agreed to is up for grabs... so what next for me... <B>A trial</B>... calling witnesses... family members... friends.. even children to the stand... airing out every aspect of our lives!!! Is this what you want to go through?<BR>God... I hope not!!!!<P>Is this enough slapping upside the head!!!<BR>If not... I'll go on....<BR>The pain I... and many others have is so intense... as one of my friends said here at this forum told me... "there are no words"...<P>One thing I <B>MUST</B> emphasis... here you'll get the kind of support you will find nowhere else. The people here are the guardian angels of devastated lives...<P>Stay...<P>I'll be glad to slap a little more...<BR>Not hard... just... kindly... gently... <BR>There are other too... they're gentle too!<P>You're lucky you got me today...<BR>My post "Lost in court..." hurt...<BR>Thank you for bringing me out of the doldrums too! <P>Jim