HI! I am so confused. I am back with my ex after 3 months, ending my affair due to concern of my children. I have no feelings for my ex, and this causes much sorrow for us both. We are being completely honest, he has made tremendous changes, likes himself finally, but I want to be with OM, who lives out of state. I am here for my children and financial reasons, but I wouldn't be here if I didn't see changes in my ex. I am trying to lose those feelings for OM, but maybe I just need time. We are in counseling, that is helping. I know I will never feel for my ex, the way I feel for OM. Torn!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>wildfire

The quick answer: You will never feel anything for your ex while you still feel so much for the OM. You need to get through the "withdrawal" from the OM before you will be able to start feeling love for your ex. And you need to WORK at forgetting the OM...<P>NSR? You there? Please post your welcome message for imsuzette and be sure to include the links to Harley's stuff on withdrawal!<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I believe in miracles...<P><BR>

Welcome <B>imsuzette</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>Terri is 100% right on the mark....<BR>This is going to take time...<BR>If you think of your affair as an addiction... something that has to be gotten over... you'll realize it won't happen overnight... and <B>withdrawal</B> symptoms are going to be there!<P>Now... or my normal welcome wagon spiel...<BR>It has lot's of good helpful links... <P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards... like yourself) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! Even as a wayward... you'll want to start in a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... because you've identified yourself as a builder of this marriage! Is it hard work... yes... and the withdrawal has to be addressed!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here... not even or waywards! There are many waywards at this site... some of them posting <B>with their spouses</B>!!!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on... This is not exclusive to the betrayed... wayward are feeling this as well!<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>You can feel for your ex the way you feel for the OM... and better. It would really help i your ex(H) also understand some of the concepts! Perhaps you could have him too join the forum... or consider reading some of Dr. Harley's books mentioned above?!<P>Best wishes from us all...<P>BTW: weekends at the forum tend to be <B>s l o w</B>... be patient with replies... It'll pick up on Monday!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Hi, imsuzette and welcome!<P>I'm very proud of you. You've done something that is very hard, taken a great deal of strength. You've done a good thing.<P>There will be a period of time that you will continue to feel the way you do now. If you've done the reading that our buddy Jim suggests, you'll learn more about withdrawal and some of the things that may make it easier.<P>Search old posts too. There have been many of our friends in the same situation with the same feelings. A lot of them have not discovered "real" love with their spouses again. It can be done!!!<P>Give yourself and H time. Lots of time. Take hints from the folks here to make your life better. I'm glad your H did some changing. Now, as you change and your relationship changes, you can work together to build it into what you've always wanted.<P>Please feel free to come here to us. Cry, vent, scream, ask questions of those who have passed through where you are. From my friends here, I have gotten such love and support and learned so very very much. <P>We're all here for you when you need us. Don't ever feel alone.<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{imsuzette}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Lori