I have posted in several places that God has really been pressing on my heart to let go and let God. I have been praying as much as I can and putting my prayers out on the internet. I discoved the new forum "Bible study" on MB and have been using that book "The Power of th Praying Wife." <BR>Well today I guess several things just came together. The more I have prayed the closer God is drawing me to Him. It is amazing! As I look over the last 4+ years of my husband's affair I see over and over again where God keeps saying put HIM first. "Seek Me first and all else will be added." Don't seek me as a "wish granter," SEEK ME! I have thought I have been doing that, putting him first, but in truth I have tried myself to do the job. I keep trying harder and harder at the marriage and jumping through hoops. But now I see again that everything God has said and brought to my attention in this last week all centers on that one theme. God is truely amazing. I didn't go to church today so I got out an old sermon tape. "I am the Vine." After listening to this I was again convicted. The knife (pruning shears) of the gardner (God) comes into everybodies lives (by their trials). For some it makes them softer and draws them closer to God. For others it makes them harder and they fall away. In the first case the knife cutting just cuts back the vineto make it more productive, for the second instance it cut the branch off. The sermon goes on to say that Jesus Christ says "There is not one thing I take out of your life that wouldn't have been a loss to keep, and would have been a gain to lose."<BR>I got to thinking. <BR>So, as I have been praying for my husband during the last week and more and more, my prayers have turned more toward seeking God for me. I finally realized that Jesus was saying " So, when are you going to get it? That I AM the most important person in your life!" I have been praying all week and what I also realized was that during the last 4 years the circumstances (the affair) have taken over my life and my thinking. During this trial I have tried to control the situation and in so doing it has begun to control me and I have made my husband and the marriage into an idol of sorts! "OUCH" I have to get rid of that. Another member of an internet group I have joined (an online prayer group that prays for marriages) wrote this to me. "The goal is complete and total surrender of our lives and situation to His Lordship! I believe that before God will restore our marriages we must make God #1 in our lives. Our faith in Him MUST NOT be contingent upon his restoring our marriage, otherwise the restoration will fail." <BR>I don't pretend to know how God is speaking to others on this forum, but I realized that, that has been God's message from the beginning for me. I pray that all of us here find God and seek to know HIM. As we pray for ourselves and each other to be in God's will, He will change us. Thank God Amen.

I wished that I could understand all of that. Yes I believe in God and yes I do believe that he wants me to have what I think is best. So why isn't he listening? Right now I am in the hands of God. Because I feel that means that I have choices because he gave me that. I pray every night for myself, our girls, and my H. Although they just have not been answered. I almost feel that God is ignoring me. I catch myself being angry at him because I just don't believe he can allow the girls and I to go through so much pain and turmoil. I have always been a good person and I hate it when people tell me that maybe God has bigger and better plans for me. Because I don't think God will take something from you just because he feels that they are not good enough for you. God allows us to make our own choices, but also guides you. Where is his guidance right now? Sometimes I feel like God just doesn't care about the girls and I. That he feels I deserve all of this and it has been very disturbing to me.

I think I agree with both sides, but I feel more like Mental. Why would God put me and my sons thru so much? I would like to make the decision about my H myself. God wants us to forgive, right? I can forgive my H but I want that in return from him. He wants us to love. I love my husband and probably always will, but I don't want to love him from a distance. I want to make the choice to have him here. <BR>It's almost like my family telling me what to do. They know that I want him home and they think it's the dumbest thing. They think I should file for divorce and be done with him. Trying to make my decisions for me and by doing that, ignoring my opinions and feelings.<BR>I DO feel kinda like God is ignoring my prayers, too. I don't just pray for my H to come home. I pray for every aspect of my life. I don't think it's asking too much to want my marriage which was blessed by God 10 years ago. <BR>

Well, this sounds like a theological discussion. So far it sounds like there are two perspectives.<P>I don't believe God "takes" anything away from us. Our choices bring about circumstances which in turn bring about losses. Someone chooses to have an affair(God sees that as sin). A marriage is put in turmoil, spouses and children are hurt.<P>God didn't make us into puppets, He gave us a free will. I have heard forgiveness defined as choosing to live with the consequences of someone elses sin.<P>So, we have a choice too. See God as a heavy handed enemy who brought about our hurt or see him as the one who can turn things around if we truly begin to trust in Him for all things. <P>It is natural to be angy with God but let that anger be placed where it belongs, on the one who committed the hurt. Then begin the forgiveness process.<P>Thats how I see it anyway!<BR>God Bless us all on this journey, Taj<p>[This message has been edited by Taj (edited January 09, 2000).]

HW:<BR> Thank you for that. You hit on the nail, so to speak. I do think that it was a time that I sort of made my marriage an idol. It was all I thought about. Not that I don't think about it now, because I do, I'm learning how to focus on God and put Him where He should be--FIRST, in my life.<P>MENTAL:<BR> I too have been angry with God before. And I understand how you are feeling. BUT God is NOT ignoring you. He is always there. It's just that when things are going our way, God is the good guy. But as soon as we go through something, he becomes the bad guy, so to speak. And that is not fair. ANd like you said we all have free will. And though its hard for me to face it also, MY HUSBAND DECIDES IF HE WILL STAY OR GO, NOT GOD. God may will for your mariage to work, but he will not force a person to do his will, because it has to be from the heart. And as far as guidance, you can only recieve it if you hear it and obey it. Your husband seems as he's the one that needs the guidance, not you. You are a strong wife and mother and you are doing everything in your power for your marriage to work. Please continue to pray and love God. There has been times when I've asked God, "Where are you". But he is always here. That's how you woke up this morning and that's how you made it this far. Stay strong. Listen to God. He will speak to you, but you have to be willing to listen. Mental, don't lose faith in God. Because He is the only one who you can trust in totally. He's gonna carry you through this... Prayer is communicating with God. It's not about us doing all the talking, but also listening. Like you said, YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. God loves you and your and your girls. God isn't putting through this pain, YOUR H is. You are ding great. I know that without God, I probably would be in a crazy house some where, but like you I have a little girl that needs a least one of her parents who has there head on straight.<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>

I agree with above post but I become so frustrated sometimes. I guess I should say that I am frustrated with God, not angry. I do not tend to be an angry person. I agree that it was my H choice to have an affair....not Gods. But I also believe that we were married in Gods house and that we made these promises before him. I guess I just want god to wrestle my H to the ground....hog tie him.....and talk some sense into him. I know...can't happen. But I do feel that God has the ability to open up his heart and make him see that he is doing some pretty crappy things. I guess maybe he just might be doing that as I am typing but maybe...just maybe....my H choses to ignore him. That makes me sad. Faith is a wonderful thing, but sometimes you put your faith in the wrong person (H). <BR>Nancy

Nancy,<P>I did not mean to start any theological debate. I full well know your frustration and discouragement. I have been there on and off for nearly 5 years. My husband moved out 4 months ago and I do not know if he will ever come home. But I am tired of thinking about it and worrying about it. And in doing that I too have been worshiping the wrong god. Your last statement is the point for me. Worship God and get the focus off my husband and the marriage. Worship God and work on myself and my relationship with God and pray like crazy. I am praying I stay in the vine. I am praying that God call my husband back to Him and I pray that he will fall in love with the wife of his youth. All is possible with God and in his timing. <BR>I have been surprised at the result of my praying. God is changing me and talking to me to put Him first and at the same time I am obsessing less about the circumstances and it feels good to be free from those obsessive thoughts. It is much more pleasant for me to dwell on thoughts of Jesus then worrying about what my husband is or is not doing. I pray the same comfort for you. One last note. It is only from wrestling with God for the last 4+ years that he has gotten me to this point.

HW,<BR>I too, do not want to have a debate on the subject. First of all it is because I know I would lose. Although I consider myself a religous person....I don't really know all the scriptures or enough about all of this. I just know what I am feeling. I agree that we are all given free will. I just wished that my H wouldn't have "abused" his. I like you, have prayed alot and believe that in part I couldn't and wouldn't be where I am today without him and prayer. I do thank God everyday for what I have and for what ever good I will have in the future. I know that he loves me and that he too hates to see us in such great pain. I respect him for all the great "miracles" he has given me and for helping me find me again. Life is a pain sometimes....but with each day I see more and more joy in my life even though my H is no longer with us. I still love my H, but more importantly....I love myself.

hw,<P>That was exactly what I neede to hear.<P>Thanks for the faith booster.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

hw, AMEN!<P>jamie-lee - Amen to you too. God is ALWAYS there, he's not ignoring Mental's prayers. God is as hurt by her husband's sin as she is. He truly wants her H to chose to take the right path, but will not force someone to do so.<P>I have been in the same situation as Mental, feeling as though God wasn't listening to my prayers, didn't care about me, too. Those are the lies Satan wants you to believe. Until I started asking the Lord to change me and give me a pure, clean heart, there were no improvements in my husband's behavior. It was during our separation that I started working on ME. This was before there was any thought of reconciliation between my H and me. I have been through the wringer though through this trial. I couldn't eat, sleep, concentrate or get through a day without crying. It does get better though. Prayer is the only thing that truly helped me. <P>Don't give up your faith in God because of this. I know how hard it is to sit back, be calm and let God handle your situation. That is the hardest thing for me, to let go and let God. But I have to, it is the only way my marriage will be saved, and is the right way for it to be saved. God can do so much better a job than I can. With God, all things are possible. Please read my post under Women's Bible Study - Meeting with Pastor. Its a baby step, but a notable one. And one that God handled, not me.