Earlier, I promised an update to my "day for DeWayne" I was encourage to take in my "Priorities" post.<P>I spent yesterday, talking to Susan and trying to clear the air a little more. She admitted to me that there have been times in the recent past where she had been thinking of OM. But, these were times when things between us had been particularly bad. This was an incredible admission from someone who wouldn't talk about OM at all!! She talked about the "no restrictions" timeout she wanted and was able to admit that it truly was a rebellion against having any rules and <B>not</B> because she had something in mind. She did say that she isn't ruling anything out. <P>The one thing she did say that had the biggest impact on me was when she was talking about how she really felt about things and she said she loved me "more than I knew". As reticent and relatively non-demonstrative as she is, this was an absolute earthquake. She has never stated her feelings for me as strongly as that in over 11 years. It really took a while for that one to sink in.<P>We talked about the past and the mistakes that were made. She even came very close to actually admitting that she had made a mistake or two. When we talked about her moving, I told her that I was afraid and that I was frustrated that she didn't see any alternatives. Afraid of losing her and thinking that deep down maybe she didn't <B>want</B> any alternatives. She reiterated that she needed the time alone, but that she was also "afraid".<P>I'll try to keep this somewhat short...Later we ended up holding each other and crying we enjoyed a moment of passion and afterward I looked into her eyes and told her that everything was OK, that I wanted her to move out and clear her head and would do anything in the world to help. Her eyes lit up and sparkled and she just said "Thank you".<P>I let her know that I would be there anytime she needed me, that she should still consider our house as her homebase and that I wanted her to keep the key and garage opener to have access anytime she wanted.<P>We talked about OM and I told her that he would definitely be applying pressure once she moved. He has already broken a pledge to back off as she asked(which I told her in April would happen). I said that if he was what she wanted that was OK, but if it wasn't, she needed to draw a line in the sand and stand firm. I said if she weakened unwantedly, I was only a phone call away. I said if he didn't honor a request not to pressure, then she should take that and his previous failure as a sign that things might not be what she wanted with him down the road. If he did do what she asked, I said she should give him a pat on the back and a gold star.<P>As the afternoon progressed, she started involving me in her plans for moving, discussing what she would take, etc. I assured her that anything of hers she wanted to leave in the house could stay and she could come anytime she wanted to retrieve them. That evening, she asked if I wanted to see the apartment and I told her I did. She told me that she hadn't done any of this before because she knew that I had felt bad when I accompanied her to look at the first apartments and she didn't want to hurt me again.<P>I took some measurements of the larger furniture and we went to the apartment looked around and started trying to see where each piece might go. She wanted my suggestions and I was even able to smile and joke around without having to put up a front. The good feelings were <B>genuine</B>. As the time went on, I could see that she was less and less happy about the quality and layout of the apartment. Just told her it would look much better furnished than bare.<P>She is <B>so</B> happy with me right now. Yesterday(well after the first 30 minutes of our conversation) was *THE* best day we've had together in 9 months. The conversation was honest, the emotions strong and the feelings genuine and heartily expressed. And you know what?? I'm not getting what I wanted, but I'm happy too. I'm starting to see the woman I married and the reason is *I* had to change my attitudes and narrow the focus of what I was trying to accomplish "today". This might not work out in the end, but putting the things into action that I have learned here and seeing the affect they have had is opening my eyes, giving me back self-respect and confidence. I will be stronger because of this. All I had to do was get out of the "self-pity" mode(You know, I just realized, this sounds an awful lot like Medic's "Plan Medic" post doesn't it??).<P>I know this isn't over, but I still need to thank those who were so fundamental in helping me get to this point(this is going to sound like an Academy Award acceptance speech): lostva, new_beginning, DuncanMac&Suse, RMA, Sidney, RWD, Medic, patient love, SDS, jamie-lee and so many, many more.<P>Remember, this isn't a success story, this is simply a series of two or three baby steps(thanks Lori) that <B>might</B> lead to something better. This is about how some of you were able to crack open the skull of a blockhead and let a little daylight shine on a tiny brain. I owe all of you a great deal. I feel <B>great</B> today. I know the road ahead is rough and may not lead where I like, but I'm strong enough to take it now especially with the support of friends like you.<P>Thanks so much....<P>--DeWayne--

DeWayne,<BR> I really think you scored BIG yesterday with the love deposits. I'm really happy for you. I know you said it's not a success story. But it sounds like one in the making. Just know that we are here for you. You and Susan are in my prayers. Keep on keeping on, you're doing great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>"If you can learn from the mistakes of others, you won't have to make them youself."<P>

DeWayne,<BR>It sounds like a barrier was lifted. Now just don't get your hopes up too high. Remember to take things oone day at a time. Your marriage didn't fall apart overnite, although it sures seems like it huh, and it can't be repaired overnite either. BABY STEPS!<P>Good luck and God Bless<P>Bob<P>------------------<BR>"You can't always get what you want! But if you try real hard,you might just find, you get what you need!"<BR>Mick Jagger<P>

Wow, DeWayne! I'm impressed! You did a textbook case of the Perfect Plan A!! <P>Now, the real work begins. You MUST stay the course. NO PRESSURE. Absolutely none, or what I refer to as Plan Aloof. <P>You have to sit back and wait for her to make all the moves. So far, I do not contact H, whatsoever (unless I have to send him something of importance; i.e. insurance stuff). In fact, if I miss his calls at work, I don't return them unless he leaves a number, in which case I worry that it might be important. <P>When I talk with him, I always tell him I'm doing just fine (message= no guilt), and try to keep the conversations light-hearted and amusing. I try to make a point of telling him about the things I am doing with friends (message= I'm not sitting around pining away for him), & I always ask how he is doing (message= I still care about him). <P>I NEVER mention OW, I NEVER mention US, I NEVER ask when I might see him next, and I NEVER indicate that I am anything but happy with my current situation. I honestly answer any questions he has of me, but I try not to ask him too many personal questions.<P>Think of this time as YOUR time. You can now do whatever you want. YIPPEE!!! Within reason, of course! If you don't want to pick up your underwear, you don't have to. If you want to sleep in on Saturday morning, you can. But, honestly, now you can do those things that DeWayne has been wanting to do. Things you've put on the back burner because you didn't think you had the time. Books you've wanted to read, movies you missed seeing, all those guy-things that Susan never liked to do, etc, etc. <P>The trick is to look at this as a POSITIVE thing. A time for Susan to have some space. But, a time for DeWyane, too!!

<B>jamie-lee</B> -- It's NOT a success story, OR one in the making. Reconciliation and re-commitment are just one path that we might end up on. Of course, it <B>is</B> the end I would want and I think I just might have increased the odds a little. On the other hand, Susan is, and always has been, my best friend and it would be shame to lose that as well as the marriage. Her road is much tougher than mine, but she has taken some really good steps. For one, she is now starting e-mail contact with a couple of wonderful people from this board. She's not quite sure about the forum, yet, but that's more than OK with me. There are a few people here who might beat her up a little too much, I've seen it done to other betrayers.<P><B>Bob</B> -- Yeah, a <B>big</B> barrier. I'm not being over-confident, but you have my permission to smack me a good one if you see me getting that way. The door is open and the light is on. It's her choice if it's inviting enough and I can now live with that decision either way. It's going to be rough, but some kind of inner peace is trying to invade me and I'm going to just let it. Baby steps is right and yesterday's big breakthrough was thru a couple of baby steps.<P>Thanks, man....<P><B>Sidney</B> -- If you have been following my posts, you will remember that I put forth all too many lovebusters to be credited with a perfect Plan A. I think some of those were necessary to break thru the protective shell Susan had surrounded herself with and also to let her know how I was feeling. She stopped reading info about this stuff after one and one-half books way back in April/May. She wasn't interested in what I was going thru and what made me do and feel the things I did. At least she now listens and is trying to understand.<P>I know Susan, I can't sit back and wait for her to make *ALL* the moves, just most of them. I will not initiate contact unless it's necessary. I will not ask about her progress or us or OM. I've done all this before during our 4 month separation this summer. I could only go 6 weeks or so at a time without asking how she was coming along with her thinking or what she was feeling about us. I can probably do better this time. I'm in a much better mental state than right after her confession.<P>I've already told her that I'm going to be getting away, having a party or two, etc. I've let her know that I will always invite her, but I have no expectations of her attending. I will hope, but have no expectations....<P><B>jamie-lee, RWD and Sidney</B>--All three of you gave me valuable input and helped me and I appreciate it.

DeWayne,<P>Know why yesterday was so great????? All she really wanted was the FREEDOM OF CHOICE here and YOUR SUPPORT!!!!!! She is getting both and I agree with jamie-lee, you deposited love units BIG TIME!!!!<P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

Okay, DeWayne, if you feel you must make some of the moves, then do so. But, not right away. <P>Remember, you've agreed to give her space, so you must abide by that. It will be very tempting to call her, just to see how things are going. As well meaning as that sounds, it will have an underlying current of pressure. So, wait for her to make the first move, at least in the beginning. <P>Once she doesn't hear from you, she will begin to wonder what is going on. You've already given her an open invitation, so she should feel comfortable calling you when SHE is ready. Be prepared, though, she may not call you right away. Don't panic. She'll no doubt be very self-absorbed in her newly acquired "freedom". But, the newness WILL wear off. And, by then she will be missing you. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.<P>Do you remember when we were in high school? The most intriguing, & interesting people were the ones that seemed to have so much self confidence that they didn't chase after you and throw themselves at your feet? Well, anyway that's what impressed me. Maybe it's just a girl-thing, or maybe I'm just weird.

Hi, DeWayne,<P> <P>What a difference a day makes, huh? You did good, my friend!<P>Hold on to that feeling, you know it'll waver a bit. But it's the right one. I know you'll do fine - we've learned a lot here together.<P>Talk to you later.<P>Lori

<B>Desiree</B> -- I sure hope you are right, but I am finally in a good place for me and can accept any outcome.<P><B>Sidney</B> -- What I remember from high school is all the girls running as far away from me as fast as they could!!! LOL The only thing I saw of the intriguing people was their quickly disappearing backsides....<P><B>Lori</B> -- <B>That's</B> the hard part, hanging on to the feeling. But it feels pretty good so it may slip my grasp from time to time(as you already know), but it can't stay away from me forever. It's hard work, but gratifying work.

What can I say?<P>Thank you for the kudo's but you did this yourself, and this is one time you should be HAPPY to admit it!!!!<P>DeWayne, you're one of the good guys!<P>Big big HUGS,<P>~Sheryl

DeWayne,<P>The perfect plan A is when you don't love bust and you didn't. You have now got a good start for a perfect plan A. Yes it is baby steps and you will get discouraged along the way, because they are such baby steps. But that is what we are here for. I am so glad that you have come to terms with this move and kept the ultimates out of it. You are doing good. {{{{HUGS}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

DeWayne,<P>Interesting that you said that. Isn't that what happened to Medic before his W did a 180 degree turn around???? It is the true letting go - you get a sense of peace and the S doesn't feel trapped or smothered anymore.....I am getting close, but no bananas for me just yet. Still working on it! But, hey, GREAT for you!!!!!! <P>Desiree<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>