My H's affair was discovered 8 mos. ago and I was thinking things should have cooled down by now for them. If anything, it seems to be getting hotter. He is forcing the kids to be with OW and they act digustingly in front of them. Regardless of whether he ever wants to come back to me, I would love to see this affair blow up because of what it has done to my family. Is it normal for them to still be in the fantasy at this stage? He has gained at least thirty pounds and can't look at me at all, but things still seem to be rosy with them. I am beginning to be afraid these two will make it and I hate that for my children.<P>AD

Hi AD,<P> YES...don't worry it will definitely fall apart or at the least(whick I think is unlikely) turn into the usual mundane everyday marriage with all the usual problems.....So he's gained 30 lbs?...can't be all peaches and cream plus don't forget Harley even said that they will try their hardest to make it work in the beginning. If he was so content he wouldn't be acting like such a jerk to you....he is still in the "justification , you're the bad guy phase."..hang in there, I can't wait till it implodes.....(I think I'm in a vidictive mood!!- actually I think you have had one of the hardest situations on this board and I'm rooting for you AD!!) <BR> LU

Lu, <BR>Thank you for replying so quickly, I just need reassurance when they seem to be moving along so well. I know some people think I should just move on and I am to some extent, but my divorce happened so fast. I think except for that, my situation is similar to other, my H made a crazy decision and is still in the fog of the affair. He is not himself and I can't help but think he does not yet realize what he threw away. The man I was married to before the bimbo came along would never have given his family up. It is a decision I pray he will really regret someday. Once I caught him, he didn't even give our marriage any thought, he was so obsessed with her.<P>Thanks again for your well wishes and I hope you have success with your situation.<P>AD

AD,<P>I am still waiting, too. The one year anniversay will be next month. YUCK!! I would love for this to be over with!!!!!<P>You are doing a great job of keeping things together. You should be very proud of yourself for carrying the family all by yourself at this point! <P>Roll Me Away<P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>

AD,<BR>Sometimes I think your H and mine must be cousins. My H also gained a lot of weight since the affair started. He is still pushing really hard for a divorce. He checked with me tonight to ask whether I had taken the mandatory parents course, which is required before a preliminary hearing can be scheduled. His lawyer wants come up with a draft of a settlement agreement and work it out between us, but apparently my H doesn't want any negotiation - he wants to have a judge decide all the details.

Roll Me Away,<P>Thanks for your encouragement. Sometimes I don't feel I'm doing well at all, but I have to go on for my sons. I just wish this pain would go away. It's like an open wound that's still bleeding and won't heal. The hardest thing for me to understand is how my ex can be so cruel and insensitive, not only to me but to my boys. He has not worried one bit about how all this will affect them. He seems to think this happens all the time and doesn't do any damage to children. Again, this is a big difference from his normal self. I have read many of your posts and think you are a source of inspiration to everyone. I wish I was as upbeat as you are. <BR>If your H doesn't come back, he has lost one heck of a woman!<P>AD

Hi AD,<P> I think you are doing Ok and it is perfectly normal to be grieving as you are.The reason I think you have one of the hardest situations is BAM....he was gone and you weren't given any kind of chance. How long was the affair going on when you found out? When I found out about my H's it had already been going on 11/2 yrs. and then cont. on another 6mos....he is back and recovery is rocky. I truly believe that if the affair had been discovered early on he would've been out that door....he was so infatuated with the OW but at least I think a little reality was setting in. When all this came out I told my friend about it and she said the same thing happened to her FIL...I was shocked. He had been a pastor of a church and up and divorced his W, left the kids and here's the kicker......they were remarried 5 yrs. later.!!<BR> So AD, hang in there, you are grieving a great many losses, the marriage, the man you thought you knew, reality as you knew it. From everyone I've talked to and everything I've read you WILL feel better eventually and YES that "wonderful romance" of theirs will come tumbling down (in Private Lies, Frank Pittman says it usually happens around the same time!)...take care,AD LU

Lu, <BR>Thanks for all the encouragement. The affair had only been going on for about 3 mos. when I discovered it. I actually think I caught him right after the first time he had slept with her. When I caught him, he wanted time out to think and said he wouldn't see her. Then I caught him at her house and went to the door and confronted him. Now I see it was a lovebuster, but at the time I honestly thought he would see what he was losing. The next day he asked for a divorce and had turned mean and cold toward me. Of course, he says she has nothing to do with our divorce. Now they are so much in love, and since he is pushing her on the kids, I'm afraid marriage is on the agenda. She has a son the same age as our youngest and he spends more time with him than he does our two. I'm glad things are going so well for you.<P>Nellie,<BR>I sure hope all this weight gain means major unhappiness, but I am beginning to think my H has no heart at all. I can't believe these men can't see what they have done.

Hi AD,<P> We're doing just Ok in recovery ....it's been 7mos.and my H is depressed and has never told me he loves me etc....we moved to put distance between us and OW. It wouldn't surprise me if he wasn't in contact with her. And like your H ,my H has gained 30lbs....some days ,honestly, I wish he would've never came back , it's hard to be with someone who acts like they don't really want to be with you.<BR> Anyway, (kind of got off on a tangent there...)....so you're H hasn't married the OW yet, why? If I was to make a bet , I would bet that he won't...at any rate, you take care, you sound like a very strong and caring and more rational than I would be person....do you have days where you feel better? LU<BR>

Lu,<P>From everything I read, maybe your H is still in withdrawal and things will get better. I sure hope so. I do have good days, the bad ones don't come as often as they used to. We have only been divorced for 4 mos. and I wonder if he wants to get the kids adjusted to her before marriage. They have only seen her twice and they weren't too thrilled about it. I don't see how he can afford to marry her, after he pays child support he doesn't have a lot of money left. He lives with his parents, but spends most of his time with her. She lives in a very small apartment. I was asking myself today, how could he live with how badly he had hurt me? I guess when you don't care at all about someone, it doesn't matter to you if you hurt them. I hope things get better for you. Why do you think your H chose to come home?<P>AD

Hi AD,<BR> I know my H came home because of the kids, there are 4 and I think he couldn't stand their bad feelings towards him. He also had alot of pressure from family to "do the right thing" etc.....although I never pressured him in fact Plan B'd him and thought it would take a long time. He was gone for 2 weeks .I was hoping he would come around to me in time but lately I don't even care that much...(probably not good). <BR> AD, your H would not be treating you so badly if deep down he didn't care....he is obviously on the defensive and the guilt is tearing him apart.....alot of bravado, blaming etc. If he truly didn't care he would treat you kindly like any other person. I really think he is in for a massive fall once some reality sets in....he CANNOT face himself. I say this because my H was downright nasty to me, blamed me and now can't even remember alot of it,if I mention something he said etc. he looks so sheepish and sad....what a disaster infidelity is all around.<BR> Take care of yourself AD....I hope you feel better soon.....Lu

AD,<P>About the betrayers and the insensitivities. Ii know how you feel when your H is ignoring those boys. You read my post formt he weekend. <P>I try to remeber what it was like when I had my EA. I think it was different for me as I never felt in-love with the OM. But, the attraction was powerful. I contrast that to my H's feelings in his affair. It is powerful and he has the in-love feelings. It is no wonder that they take their eyes off the family. In many ways, I think the betrayer has to keep "blinders" on so they won't really see what they are doing. Men like your H, my H, Di's H, Distressed's H and Nellie's H to name a few - they seem to go onward without giving us a second thought at all. I think for these men, it is the only way they can cope with what they are doing. They don't seem as able to let the guilt and moral value system that we know they have somewhere {stored in a box on the top shelf of the closet right now, I think! } guide them back to their families.<P>My H is not a very religious man. I wonder of those of us I mentioned above how many, if any, are deeply religious men. I wonder if there is a correlation between the ability to push aside the guilt and moral values because they do not have the faith system that is guiding so many of us through this ordeal. I don't know, but doubt if my H has done a whole lot of praying as a msoping mechanism for himself.<P>You keep up the good work! This year has got to bring you something special. I know it is written in the stars for you, and I hope I am around when you post that special news!!!!!<P>Thanks for the lovely compliment: my compliment box is getting low, so donations are always welcome!!! <P>Desiree <P>------------------<BR>"Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things in which smiles and kindnesses and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort."<P>Sir Humphry Davy<BR>