For two years now, my husband and I have been separated. I had hoped that this period might eventually bring us back together. Now I don't think so.<P>He moved to a run down trailer park close to his work. I later learned that the trailer was owned by the other woman and her sister. <P>Since that time, there have been some major upsets. 1) There was a tornado there January 21 of last year and killed a neighbor who lived within 50 feet of him. 2) The trailer was broken into and his clothing, some guns, TV, VCR and stereo were stolen 3) He had a back injury at work and was able to have outpatient surgery. He hasn't worked since October 18 and will probably be off another month. 4) We have just learned that our only child's marriage is in trouble.<P>It would seem that he would realize that this affair has brought catastrophe. I read the post about baby steps. Within the past year, he has been talking in a much nicer tone of voice. However, he is still asking for a divorce. This comes and goes at different times. He wanted to put it on hold during the surgery. Now says I have dragged it out and if nothing is done soon he would have to finalize it.<P>I feel that the other woman is really putting the pressure on him, and that he feels that he must make some move to pacify her. <P>Any ideas on this?<P>Thanks.<P>Martha

Welcome <B>Martha642</B>, to the Marriage Builders - Infidelity Forum.<P>I read your earlie post...<BR>Your conern there seemed to be more for your daughter... Now I see you thinking of your situation too... I'm glad! <P>You may have seen this welcome wagon spiel already... if so... take it as a review/summary.<P>The people here represent both betrayed spouses and betrayers(waywards) alike and the occasional Other Woman/Man/Person (OW/OM/OP).<BR><B>All</B> of us are really here to try and build or rebuild our marriages... and we are trying to use principles and concepts that are espoused by Dr. Willard Harley of Marriage Builders(MB).<P>There is a wealth of information here at this site, starting from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/" TARGET=_blank>Marriage Builder's Home Page</A>.<P>If you're new to the ideas being presented here at MB start off with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts</A>.<P>Many of us need to start immediately working on our marriages and a <B>sound</B> understanding of <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A and Plan B</A> is crucial! I to am in the process of a divorce... but am continuing with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... I think this is where you need to be too... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>!<P>You'll see a barrage of "terms" which you might guess the meaning of... but an alternative is to look up what they mean at this site... Words like (click on them to find out):<BR><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Bank</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html" TARGET=_blank>Giver and Taker</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>The Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA)</A>.<P>You'll need to learn more about, not just marriage building... but self building too! The learning isn't going to happen overnight though... look at the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8100_article.html" TARGET=_blank>Articles</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>Infidelity Q&A</A>.<BR>The real learning is best aided by obtaining some of the books from the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Bookstore</A>... of most important for those who have affairs in progress, or soon to be, is <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>"Surviving An Affair"</A> by Dr. Willard Harley. <B>This is the 'bible' for this forum.</B><BR>Other books can be very useful as well... like <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>"His Needs, Her Needs"</A>, <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6030_love.html" TARGET=_blank>"Love Busters"</A>, and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6010_give.html" TARGET=_blank>"Give & Take: The Secret to Marital Compatibility"</A>.<BR>There will be many other good books that the MB people will recommend... take their advice... they've been around. There is a post that lists many of these non-Harley book recommendations... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/010158.html" TARGET=_blank>Books... books... books... (again)</A>.<P>Most of all... you will find <B>compassion</B> and <B>love</B> here. No judging... no demeaning... no malice here!<BR>The people here have all had their lives thrown into a whirlwind of despair, confusion, and sadness.<BR>We've all experience gut wrenching emotions that we though could never exist, in anyone's idea of humanity.<BR>Feelings of hatred, love, disillusionment, envy, rejection, emptiness, <B>deep depression</B>, and on and on...<P>Just the books and facts aren't going to get you through it all... not without <B>support</B>. That's where <B>we</B> come in! <B>We</B> care... because <B>we</B> know how it feels. Believe it... <B>You are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <BR>Come to this forum to vent... to cry... to laugh (a little)... to express your feelings... to advise others... or just to get away!<BR>You're probably going through H*!! right now... don't go it alone... remember... <B>you are <I>not</I> alone</B>! <P>There is never any guarantee to save all marriages... life doesn't work that way, unfortunately.<BR>We can, and do guarantee, to give you help... to build back many vital aspects of your life and sanity. <P>Post... Post... Post... Reply... Reply... Reply... READ! READ! READ!<P>I've been speaking in behalf of some dear friends... as well as some complete strangers too..., when I've used <B>"we"</B>!<BR>But... if you're here... join in with them... they <B>will</B> join in with you. <B>We</B> do not always agree with each other on how to handle situations... but each of us is offering to you advice base on individual experiences. Search out those people on the forum that have experiences similar to yours... and ask... ask... ask! <P>It is hard to do a <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>Plan A</A>... especially to provide H with <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A>!!!<P>Keep posting... be proactive in dealings with your H!<P>Jim<BR>---------------------------------<BR>Where two or more are gathered...

Martha,<BR>I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I do not know too much about you and your H but I know how much pain you must be in. The two years that you have been seperated must have been so hurtful for you. I have been away from my H for about 9 months and it has been a rollercoaster ride. I do not have any advice for you, I wished that I did. Is he living with the OW or just living in the trailer that she owns? Does their relationship seem to be strong as it was 2 years ago? How are you working on showing/telling him that you still love him and want him back? I'm sorry about all the questions, just need help understanding as to where you stand in this marraige.<BR>Nancy

Hi Nancy. He is still living in the trailer that she and her sister own. She lives in her own home. I have driven by at various times in the past year. Apparently he's not there as frequently as he was this time last year. I don't dare drive by his trailer as it's rather hard to get too and I can be seen easily.<P>I have tried to not ask him back. As I felt he had made his choices. I have been nice to him when he was nice to me. But whenever he mentions he wants a divorce, I do get very angry then. It is so hard for me to hold my tongue.<P>In the past, I've been hurt that he's ignored my birthday and told him so. Last year, he sent me a very impersonal card. There have been numerous things I've needed to have repaired here at home, yet he ignored those and instead went to repair something at her house. I don't even ask anything of him anymore.<P>He does not call to see how I am, but yet when he wants to talk money or whatever, he always starts with "How are you?" I told him once that if he didn't care to call and ask about me, to cut this out. He usually does not make any effort to express any concern about me, but yet tells daughter to remember my birthday, or to call me as I was sick and not to call me during Christmas to tell of her separation because I was too hurt already. Why can't he express those things to me.<P>Once when he was here to divide the funds from a CD, I asked him if he thought all this was fair to me. He didn't want to answer, but I said, Answer me this. Has this been fair to me?<P>He then was very emotional and said, "Martha, I know I haven't been fair in the past. But I am going to be fair in dividing the property." <P>It seems that he can't stand to be confronted about his emotions or intentions. <P>Yes, I get angry at times,and I am also nice at times. But it would seem that he would do something to show that at one time I meant something to him.<P>Are you going through much of the same thing?<P>Thanks again, Nancy.<P>Martha