Being perfectly honest here, I read many posts and there is so many, many miserable people. Both the cheated and the cheaters! Then, there are posts by people who are getting on with their marriages and are feeling good about it and they are doing well. TO those I think it's wonderful that they were able to overcome their pain, guilt, frustrations and have a good marriage again. But, it's those that are so darn miserable and I keep asking myself why? For me I went though it when my affair was first discovered and I found myself faced with a dangerously angry and bitter husband and a confused and aching lover. I became physically sick trying to think straight and when I was backed into the corner of facing my worst outcome it was this: Being a single mom, my lover going back to his wife and going through an awful divorce with my husband. It was then that I asked myself if I should beg for forgivenes and work on my marriage or face my biggest fear. I chose to walk from my marriage for a few reasons. One was the obvious fact that I loved the om and not my husband. Another reason was the tremendous work it would take in getting my husband to forgive me, if he ever could or would. Lastly, it was obvious to me that there was something wrong in my marriage for me to have an affair anyways and I had been unhappy for some time, so I felt I needed to go at it on my own. Once this decision was made for me a tremendous burden was lifted off of my shoulders and I started to live for the first time in a long time. I know I could never have worked it out with my ex husband after my affair. His hate and anger was so strong that he started to make me feel the same way toward him and I didn't want that. Two hating each other does the children no good.<P>What I mean by my babbling is that I wonder if some of you would be happier in the long run and your spouse happier in the long run if you threw in the towel.

<p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited August 26, 1999).]

Better Duck, Bonnie.<P>INCOMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonnie,<P>How is your relationship with your H now? Has it improved? Do you think you made the choice to avoid dealing with the pains of recovery? If your H would have responded differently after discovery would you have been willing to work things out with him?<P>I wish you the best. I am sure you will find happiness out there somewhere.

I understand what you are saying. But for me personally, I can't just walk away. My H is the one having the affair (still ongoing I think, he just moved out). But I could not live with myself if I did not do everything I could to repair my marriage. I am sorry for all you had to go through to reach your decision. But for myself, I want my H and marriage and I'm willing to go the long haul.

I thought that. Now that I'm alone, I don't know that I did the right thing. Seeing my beautiful home sold about killed me. Signing separation papers today about killed me. I can only pray to God that his heart will be touched and I'll have an opportunity to continue to work on the marriage. Maybe it is a good thing we are living apart, though, so that my frustrations with his lack of interest, etc. don't build up. At least when we see each other now it is because he wants to see me and he will actually carry on a conversation.

Bonnie-I am sure that every single person "betrayed or betrayer" on this board asks themselves this question on a daily or at least weekly basis. And everyone has their own reasons for staying or leaving and none of us are in a position to judge. I personally just try to support the direction the individual seems to be heading, with some warnings/be carefuls thrown in if that seems appropriate. I agree it is hard to see so much pain. But each has to find his/her own answer - on his/her own time. Folks are here for support to build their marriages. And when they have reached their limit and decide to move on (as I did and it sounds like you did) they know.<P>Guess I don't think it is helpful or very sensitive to say "wouldn't you just be happier if you threw in the towel". If they thought that, they wouldn't be here.<P>Just my 2 cents....<P>Starpony<P>

Brave question...<BR>I think you're one of the lucky one's who knew what you wanted and were able to get it...not that your decision was easy by any means.<P>Honestly, If the OM came to me tomorrow and said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me I probably would...although it would be a more difficult decision than before.<P>Since that's not going to happen, I've been given the opportunity to see if my H is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with...to really figure out what love is all about. <P>I keep thinking that this has all happened for a reason and it's all out of my control...but then I know that I do have a choice. <P>Sometimes it's easier to let things guide you instead of really digging deep down within yourself to make a choice.<BR>

Bonnie, I think about that daily. Would I be happier divorced? Maybe. Then again, maybe not. But it all comes down to my kid. I can't do that to him unless I've explored ALL the possibilities.<P>--airheart

I personally am not a quitter, never have been. If my marriage doesn't work out I want to be able to say to myself that I tried everything I could and it just didn't work. I think if I didn't try that I would be saying to myself " If I had only done this.... " for years to come. That for me would be more painfull than what I am going through now. The rewards will outweigh the work and effort in the long run. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P>

Hi Bonnie Sept.<BR> Some people can stay the course longer and not throw the towel in even if they're miserable at the moment. It is because they are hopeful that things will get better eventually and it's the belief that's it better to make a go of it for the kids.....(and I don't think for the kids is such a bad idea)....yes, I may be miserable at times and question the whole thing but I feel that I'm doing the right thing by hanging in there......Lu

Maybe it would be easier to throw in the towel if it was a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. But marriage is supposed to be for better or WORSE. And what happened to you was the worse and you decided to throw in the towel instead of fighting for it. You had your reasons for handling everything the way you did. But a lot of people are still IN LOVE with their spouse and want to work through the worse for the love of each other. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

Frankly, I don't understand why you are here. In case you hadn't noticed, this is a marriagebuilders site. The people who use this forum are here in order to rebuild their marriages, not discuss leaving your spouse because it's the EASY thing to do. I have been reading here for almost 2 months, and this post has offended me beyond all others. I'm truly aghast.<P>You stated:<BR>"Another reason was the tremendous work it would take in getting my husband to forgive me, if he ever could or would." <P>HUH?? Can you say, took the easy way out??? How dare you come here and suggest that people should just take the easy way out like you did. The reason people are posting here is to get insight on how to SAVE their marriage. Not the easiest way to end it. Of course there are some instances where the betrayed are sticking around longer than they should, but to advocate leaving because it would be easier than fighting for something they chose to commit to? I don't buy it. If leaving your marriage was the right thing for you to do, so be it. Then you made the right decision. I can't say what was best for you. <BR>Maybe other's want you here, but since this is a free world, I will choose not to read anymore of your posts. Problem solved. I'm just disgusted that you would say these things to people. Like I said, maybe some need to get out of their marriages, but the context in which you stated this was wrong in my opinion. I cannot advocate throwing in the towel because it would be the easiest thing to do. For other reasons sure, but because it would be easier? Not on your life. <P> <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Jess708 (edited August 26, 1999).]

M A R R I A G E B U I L D E R S<BR>M A R R I A G E B U I L D E R S<BR>M A R R I A G E B U I L D E R S<P>Not for those "Throwing in the towel". <P><P>------------------<BR>

Bonnie Sept.<P> I would like to ask the same question as Jess708...why are you here? Is it to convince us all that you are fabulously happy with the OM?....or is it more to convince yourself? Like someone said this is the MarriageBuilders ...Lu

first of all, Y'ALL LAY OFF...she has as much right to her opinion as you do. <P>Second, this board is for ALL aspects of infidelity. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. She knew what she wanted and made that decision. Most of us are trying very hard to rebuild our marriages. Sometimes that is just not possible. But don't get down on her for not choosing her first marriage.<P>Bonnie, for me, my marriage wasn't bad at all. It was just stupidity on my part and loneliness. We have always been very much in love. Had it been any other way, I would have easily chosen the OM. But my H is the only man for me and I knew it then, I know it now, I'll know it forever. I think our love and commitment has taken us this far, and God has done most of it.<P>I commend you for knowing what you want. I do hope that you don't regret your decision at some time, but I have full confidence the good Lord will take care of you.<P>tah tah!<P><P>------------------<BR>"I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."

I am wondering the same thing - why are you here? Of course you H was feeling a great deal of anger and possibly hate - but were you showing any remorse? He might have been a lot less angry if you were remorseful. Are you saying that you decided there was something wrong with your marriage because you had an affair - isn't it possible that maybe there was "something wrong" with you, and that the affair caused something to be wrong with your marriage?

If the OM came to me on his hands and knees with a two carat diamond ring I WOULDN'T GO even though it would hurt to see him crawl back to his car...<P>My H is more important than any OM, even though I loved them both. My H deserves for me to try. My H is hurting and I caused the pain.<P>I'm at the tail end of withdrawl, and even still I wouldn't go back to him like this.

You're right Sad4Now, we're all entitled to our opinions. That's exactly what I did, I gave MY opinion. And where in my post did I put her down for leaving her H? (Although, you can't deny that her leaving because of her H's anger was taking the easy way out.) I only stated that her advocating leaving marriages because it's the easy thing to do, is wrong! Again, just MY opinion. Besides, she has been married to her OM for years now. So, it's not wrong for me to ask her why she is here. In no way did I tell her she should have stayed in her marriage. I didn't even insinuate it. I just don't think an attitude like that around here is productive. If she were in the same situation as us, then maybe it would be different. Again, this is all MY opinion, and I'm entitled to it just as much as you all are.<BR>Another thing, maybe she is still harboring animosity towards her H's ex-wife. She mentioned elsewhere that this woman fought tooth and nail to save her marriage. It seems to me that she's telling you all to leave your marriages in order to allow the OW to have their MM. Actually, I feel very strongly about that. I hadn't read her other posts before my first response. Had I, then I would have pointed that out too.

Sad4Now,<BR> I agree with Jess, we are ALSO entitled to our opinions .I've read alot of what Bonnie Sept. has to say and it seems to me she wants us all to know how happy she is ending up with the OM. I'm happy for her, but what about the Om's exwife , is there any guilt there? I think that hearing an OW going on and on about their happiness touches a nerve with me...but that is my problem and I need to stop letting people have so much power over me......Lu